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I'm now supposed to go into the office 2 days a week.  

My second day last week was Friday.  People were talking and laughing about me, and whispering.  I could hear them whispering.  Even when they weren't moving their lips, I could hear them.  I left early to work at home instead.

On the subway, the trackers were monitoring me for the supernatural people.  Even a baby was monitoring me.  There was a woman near me pretending to play solitaire but really she was tapping her phone and sending messages about me to the supernatural people.  

People were tracking me on the subway before since this happened to.  

Normally I act and look normal when this is happening because I don't want the trackers to know I'm on them.  This time I think I may have looked agitated.

When I got home my manager said that if I wanted an accommodation to work from home regularly - he knows commuting is hard for me, but thinks it's due to bipolar (actually sza, but that's changed since I started working there), so I'm guessing mood swings - while I do believe this stuff is happening to me, I realize other people would see this as some sort of paranoid delusion and don't want to tell work that as I think it would be career limiting - anyways, I thought that was really nice of him.

Right now I'm just agitated and confused a lot.  Stimuli is hard to understand.  I had to listen to music rather than watch TV because it was just so confusing.  I had trouble remembering stuff I'd done earlier when I was trying to make dinner last night.  Toby ended up helping a lot.  

All my friends and family I've talked to about this think I should talk to pdoc and ask for the backing for accommodation.  I have an appointment with him tomorrow, it got moved up two weeks.

I did add saphris 5mg in the morning - in addition to my 10mg at night - so 15mg overall.  I still take 40mg of loxapine, I have room to go up there.  

I really don't want to change meds.  I'm okay as long as I'm at home - or mostly okay.  I've been so much mentally healthier through COVID working at home.  I've taken most of the AAPs, am now repeating them.  APs I've done haldol (ooooh big failure) and have been on loxapine for years.  I suppose I could try another AP.  I don't want to take clozapine which has been floated because zyprexa fucked me up so bad physically.  

When do I give up?  When do I say this is the best it will get and I need an accommodation to work from home?

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sorry to hear that you're struggling os much.  I'm glad your pdoc appointment got moved up.  He seems to have a good understanding of your situation usually, so maybe try to hope that he'll have an idea?

I hear you about not wanting to try clozapine.  One of the APs might be a good idea, though. 

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I'm so sorry, jarn.  This all sounds very frightening and confusing.  For what it's worth, I don't see obtaining this accommodation as giving up.  I'll share a bit of my own situation in case it might help a little.

The university where I work started opening up again at the start of the year.  As of a couple of months ago, the whole country has been released from covid restrictions and everyone is expected to be back in the office in person.  In my section, everyone has returned except a person who has physical mobility and immune deficiency issues, and me. 

I know there has been whispering and general bitching about why I am still on a work from home basis, but my manager is aware of my circumstances and I try not to let what the others think matter.  In the 2+ years we were actually required by law to wfh, my productivity rocketed.  I am safe here and not having to deal with the triggers of a commute or having people in my face all the time makes a major difference.  Currently I must - and have been allowed to - juggle my hours because I am dealing with the immense stress of watching my father die and sometimes need to be able to drop everything and run to the hospital.

There have been no requests from HR or the university's Disability Services for documentation to justify any of this. I am not in North America, and the disability regulations are different here.  However,  I do know that if it came to it, my own pdoc would fully back any formal request for me to continue this on a permanent basis.

So, once again, for me at least, I don't see this as giving up.  I have been offered and am taking the help that has been extended to me.

I know this got rather long - I apologise - but I just felt it might be worth giving some input from my side of things.

I am glad you are seeing your pdoc sooner rather than later and hope the appointment is helpful.

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I agree with @MiaBthst getting an accommodation isn’t giving up.  I’ve got a permanent work from home accommodation.  It’s become less of an issue now that the organization opened the full time telework opportunity to everyone (and I believe most took it).  But before it was universally granted, I got it as an accommodation.  

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3 hours ago, jarn said:

When do I give up?  When do I say this is the best it will get and I need an accommodation to work from home?

I also agree with the previous posters that working from home is not giving up....You would be surprised at the number of people who now prefer to work from home , even people with no MI issues.........If I were you, I would go ahead and try to to get an accomodation to work from home.

From what you posted, it sounds like your mental state seems better if you work from home.

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I agree with everyone that working from home would not be giving up.  If less stress helps keep symptoms managable I wouldn't consider that giving up but taking care of yourself.  Stress and change can really bring to the surface all kinds of symptoms.  Finding ways to limit that stress is a way to stay healthy and functioning.  I don't think going back to working from home is a bad idea.  It's where you were functioning you're best at.  

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9 hours ago, jarn said:

I suppose I could try another AP.  I don't want to take clozapine

Clozapine is a massive pain in the ass but for what it’s worth I’ve had less physical issues on it than I had with zyprexa 

personally I think an accommodation is the opposite of giving up. It’s a way to redouble your efforts in the face of adversity. After struggling like hell in 9th and 10th grade, I finally admitted that I needed accommodations and it made my life soooo much less difficult and allowed me a ton of new focus on school/work 

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1 minute ago, Iceberg said:

Clozapine is a massive pain in the ass but for what it’s worth I’ve had less physical issues on it than I had with zyprexa 

Has your lipids/weight been okay on it?  My lipids are still recovering post-zyprexa.  Weight is back down.  Hmm.  I dunno.  I worry I'd be too sedated to function.  I'll see what pdoc says tomorrow.

The trackers and the whispers have been issues on every single med I've ever taken.  I dunno.

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1 minute ago, jarn said:

Has your lipids/weight been okay on it?  My lipids are still recovering post-zyprexa.  Weight is back down.  Hmm.  I dunno.  I worry I'd be too sedated to function.  I'll see what pdoc says tomorrow.

The trackers and the whispers have been issues on every single med I've ever taken.  I dunno.

Obviously BP isn’t the same as sza but clozapine has been miles better than any other med I’ve taken. Ive actually lost some of the weight that I gained on zyprexa while taking clozaril, but I’m not back to where I was. However- the sedation is an issue. 

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Just now, Iceberg said:

Obviously BP isn’t the same as sza but clozapine has been miles better than any other med I’ve taken. Ive actually lost some of the weight that I gained on zyprexa while taking clozaril, but I’m not back to where I was. However- the sedation is an issue. 

That's good to know.  If I am able to work from home, they'll likely let me set my own hours...hmm.  Well, I'll raise it with him I guess.  Worth keeping in mind.

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21 minutes ago, jarn said:

That's good to know.  If I am able to work from home, they'll likely let me set my own hours...hmm.  Well, I'll raise it with him I guess.  Worth keeping in mind.

although you would have to leave house weekly for blood work. Not sure if that would bother you as much as work but it’s a thing to consider 

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2 minutes ago, Iceberg said:

although you would have to leave house weekly for blood work. Not sure if that would bother you as much as work but it’s a thing to consider 

The problem with work is the prolonged commute time being around a lot of people - not that bloodwork would be perfect, but in my experience less of an issue.  And of course people talking/whispering about/laughing at me happens at work, but not other places (again, that's probably due to the amount of time I'm AT the office?????).  Lots to think about.  

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13 hours ago, jarn said:

suppose I could try another AP

Curious jarn - have you and/or pdoc thought about options for this? Personally I’d go for the accommodation first, because either way it seems like work change plus AP change might be a lot 

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38 minutes ago, Iceberg said:

Curious jarn - have you and/or pdoc thought about options for this? Personally I’d go for the accommodation first, because either way it seems like work change plus AP change might be a lot 

Clozapine has been floated before.  APs he preferred saphris over which is my second kick at the can with it.  At some point I just feel like clozapine might be inevitable.  He brought it up before.  But I think I'd need an at the least start up accommodation with it.  Could be wrong.  It's all good stuff to raise with him.  This all just makes me so tired, being symptomatic.  I'm sick of it.  Who among us isn't though!

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