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I do this thing...

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First let me say this place is like therapy for me today. I'm coming out of withdrawal syndrome fog and processing a lot of stuff. And I've realized that I do this thing where I decide that I want to be an average American citizen who can attend parties and be normal and socialize and drink like a mother effing champ. Then the downside of that is I realize I'm not that person. I see how I just blindly dissociate and fall into that character. It's not healthy I know. I want to stop doing it. But the minute I start to feel better I think that I can conquer the world and I'm invincible and I become that person again. I don't even notice it how quickly I become her. I don't want to do that ever again

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