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Disappointed With My Kids


deeschmee
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First of all let me say my oldest son is 30 my middle son is 28 and my daughter is 20. My oldest son has been telling me lately how annoying I am. Like when I gave him some food that I had and I guess I was making suggestions he didn't like I was annoying him. He tells me this quite frequently and I tell him he has low stress tolerance which he agrees. But then why do I annoy him is his question. My 20-year-old daughter has some sort of explosive disorder and shouts the most horrific things at me. She also gathered a ball of phlegm in her mouth and showed it to me. I immediately ran into the bathroom and vomited.

I feel like the 2 have no respect for me due to whatever reasons.

I want to say something to them but I don't have the words. 

I'm so disappointed with them. And my life

 

Edited by deeschmee
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@deeschmee, I'm sorry about the problems you're having with your adult children.

With your oldest son, it's possible that he doesn't like anyone to make suggestions to him, not just you, but anyone.

With your 20 year old daughter, I think it's more her age than anything else...Studies have shown that the human brain is not really fully developed until between 25-30 years old, on average....Does she live with you, or somewhere else?

So I kind of doubt it's totally your fault, in either case.

I know it hurts when they say and do these things, but try not to blame yourself..

Edited by CrazyRedhead
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Dee - The twentysomethings can be a rough patch as a parent. You take a deep breath thinking you got them through turbulent teens, not realizing how hard it was going to be to watch them claim their adult independence. It’s hard watching them screw up when you can see it coming a mile off, but discover that anything you tell them may now be interpreted as infringing on their autonomy. I’m in the same position - my son’s 25, my daughter’s 23. They’ve made some idiotic decisions so far, and at times I’ve had truly horrid things said to me. If you listened to my daughter you’d think I was so heinous a figure I would put Caligula to shame.

 I keep reminding myself that they aren’t fully cooked yet. The human brain doesn’t develop its full rational and empathic range until after 25 on the average, according to studies. So of course they fly off the rails. Of course they’re irrational and emotion sometimes. It isn’t you.

Thirty doesn’t necessarily mark maturity, however. My nephew is 32 and acts emotionally like he’s 25. His MI issues have been a roadblock for him.

For the young person to have some flavor if MI doesn’t help matters. I’m watching my daughter fight the same demons I’ve fought for four decades, and I feel helpless to save her. Every time our encounters take a southward turn, I always try to factor in the demons. The words are still terribly hurtful, but I understand their source.

 I really don’t expect them to be grateful or appreciative of me, or even considerate. It would be nice, but the reality is that they’re just starting to get used to what it means to be an independent adult in the world, and that’s terrifying. It takes all their attention. They don’t really have the brainspace to spare right now to be thoughtful of others, let alone old Dad who they can take for granted because nothing will ever make him stop loving them.

They’ll come around in time. It may be a painful wait, but gradually they’ll begin to understand the burdens we carry because they’ll have to carry them too.

 It’s hard to realize that even though your children are adults, your job as their parent isn’t over; it’s just that the job description has changed in ways you might not have anticipated. It’s now your job to know when to let go, when to be so subtle with guidance that they don’t even realize it comes from you, when to be patient even though it hurts.

And no, it’s not fair. They can be unjust and thoughtless, and no amount of explaining may make them see it right away. But you raised them, and put the best of yourself in them. It’s still there. It will come out to you in time. Be patient, and tolerant, as you teach them the boundaries of your new relationship with them as adults.

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1 hour ago, CrazyRedhead said:

I know it hurts when they say and do these things, but try not to blame yourself..

Thank you. I'm trying. Your words do help

1 hour ago, Cerberus said:

And no, it’s not fair. They can be unjust and thoughtless, and no amount of explaining may make them see it right away. But you raised them, and put the best of yourself in them. It’s still there. It will come out to you in time. Be patient, and tolerant, as you teach them the boundaries of your new relationship with them as adults

Your words always make so much sense for me. I appreciate the reply. I just beat myself up so badly all the time

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My daughter is 24.  We have not been close since she was about 4.  I embarrass her or just don't meet her expectations.  I think she is amazing and brilliant. She does not think highly of me.

She moved back home after college. We get along better. I think having the break when she was in school helped.  But, we can go a day without speaking. I don't think I would see her except she wants to see the dog and he hangs with me

I do take it personally.  Maybe if I was not so lazy, tired, crazy, or if I was smarter we would have a better relationship. My mom and I just have a superficial relationship and I want more with my daughter

My son is the opposite.  He lives off campus but I hear from him at least once a week. He is kind.  They both go to my husband more for advice but he respects me.

I would have gagged at the phlegm too.  Fortunately they don't do that.  I am sorry you are having a hard time. I annoy my daughter too.  Her latest is that I don't wait for her to respond after knocking on her door. Which I think is a reasonable request but I am hard of hearing so it is hard to know when she says come in 

They are grown but still can mature and I am sure there are ways I can improve in the future.  

Not sure if there is a point but parenting can be difficult

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24 minutes ago, confused said:

I do take it personally.  Maybe if I was not so lazy, tired, crazy, or if I was smarter we would have a better relationship. My mom and I just have a superficial relationship and I want more with my daughter

It helps to know that you can relate. It's a really tough thing being a parent let alone a parent with MI. I think for me it would be better or easier if I had anything of a life. I am self-loathing self-isolating I'm quite depressed most of the time. So my kids are my only source of socialization unfortunately

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