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My mother died this morning..


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I took the day off work.

I am going for a run.

I have little information on what will be done next.  I have anger, and fear I will just be told I am the bad daughter as usual.

Just a lot of fears and anxiety, and sadness for something I never really had.

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I’m sorry you have to face this, Wookie. Facing a parent’s passing is always going to be a complex emotional experience, and dealing with it when trauma or other unresolved issues are involved compounds the pain.

It can be very burdening to experience the emotional conflict of on the one hand feeling loss and grief, while on the other hand feeling relief and release that the person is gone. You can easily begin to wonder if what you feel is wrong.

What you feel is not wrong. Nothing that you feel is proof that you’re “the bad daughter”, so don’t go there. Don’t let her passing leave you with the sense that you’re now permanently fixed as “the bad daughter” because you can no longer try to win her approval. You were never a bad daughter to begin with.

Her demons were her own. She’s free of them now. You don’t have to let them cling to you as well. You can be free of their influence on your life, and you should.

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I feel like I have a lot of questions, and I have been told a lot wildly varying accounts of the so-called truth in my family.

My brother is very conflicted and tells me I shouldn’t go digging and not to react with hate (he also abused me and doesn’t like being reminded). I think my brother accuses me of hate, and anger as a way to control the narrative or to paint my actions as mean spirited, rather than just an expression of truth. I am kind of in a phase where I have been wanting to investigate further just because my mother lied profusely about her past.

Her partner is in the same boat where she lied to him, and he has been digging too.

My family does a lot of blame shifting so I have no idea how I have been painted to him, and my guess is I’m seen as the same as my mother.  All this digging for the truth and getting spun in circles is kind of the norm. 

I don’t expect much.  We won’t be attending her funeral because we are not invited.

Edited by wookie
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17 hours ago, wookie said:

We won’t be attending her funeral because we are not invited.

Wookie - You do not have to be invited to attend your mother’s funeral. You have the right to do so; you are her daughter. The only way the person in charge of executing her estate could legally prohibit you from attending would be to go to court and get a restraining order against you, which will not be granted without just cause. If you wish to be there, there is no legal way they can simply exclude you.

If they don’t want you there, they could inform the funeral director that you are not welcome and are not to be admitted, and because the funeral director is legally under contract with the person who is requesting his services, the funeral director would be obliged to comply; however, unless your mother established -in writing- that a specific individual was to have full control of the arrangements, you would have the right to protest to the director prior to the service that you also have the right to a say in the arrangements.

It concerns me very much that you’re being told not to “dig” for information - information may be being intentionally concealed from you regarding the estate, the will, or other matters that you have a legal right to be privy to, and once the will is probated, you might have little recourse if you were deprived of your rights. Now is the time for you to be vigilant, ask questions, and become familiar with your rights as her progeny. Don’t let anyone tell you that you are not entitled to know things, to be informed about matters related to the settlement of the estate, to have a copy of the death certificate or other documents, etc. Find out immediately who the executor of the estate is - that person is legally required to execute the duty in an equitable manner under the law.

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12 hours ago, Cerberus said:

Wookie - You do not have to be invited to attend your mother’s funeral. You have the right to do so; you are her daughter. The only way the person in charge of executing her estate could legally prohibit you from attending would be to go to court and get a restraining order against you, which will not be granted without just cause. If you wish to be there, there is no legal way they can simply exclude you.

If they don’t want you there, they could inform the funeral director that you are not welcome and are not to be admitted, and because the funeral director is legally under contract with the person who is requesting his services, the funeral director would be obliged to comply; however, unless your mother established -in writing- that a specific individual was to have full control of the arrangements, you would have the right to protest to the director prior to the service that you also have the right to a say in the arrangements.

It concerns me very much that you’re being told not to “dig” for information - information may be being intentionally concealed from you regarding the estate, the will, or other matters that you have a legal right to be privy to, and once the will is probated, you might have little recourse if you were deprived of your rights. Now is the time for you to be vigilant, ask questions, and become familiar with your rights as her progeny. Don’t let anyone tell you that you are not entitled to know things, to be informed about matters related to the settlement if the estate, to have a copy of the death certificate or other documents, etc. Find out immediately who the executor of the estate is - that person is legally required to execute the duty in an equitable manner under the law.

I’m getting second hand information now on her cremation.  Her husband won’t talk to me directly 

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I should add that unless the funeral is announced as a private funeral, or an obituary is not published, the funeral is considered open to the public, and invitations are not required. I would insist on seeing any proposed obituary before it's published, to ensure that the information in it is accurate (i.e., that it includes you as someone she is survived by). Usually the publication of the obituary is arranged by the funeral home handling the arrangements, so I would insist on knowing what company they are using. If absolutely no one will divulge this information to you, at the very least you should be able to do an internet search on your mother's name prior to the funeral and see if the funeral home has posted a notice of her service, or if the obituary has already been posted, which will often mention which funeral home is managing arrangements.

But if you're being completely stonewalled, I would consider lawyering up. You have rights, and stand to be deprived of them.

The information I've given here and in the post above assumes you actually want to go to the funeral. You may or may not. It's not wrong of you if you don't. There are many ways to pay respects, to honor a loved one (even if that love is greatly burdened), make peace with the past, or simply bring closure. Grief is a process, and it might be that forcing yourself to endure a gaggle of hostile relatives during a funeral would simply pile on trauma you don't need. If there's a funeral, there's often a visitation period prior, which you could attend in lieu of the actual service.

But the issue of the funeral is separate from the matter of the settlement of the estate, which you should not let passively be handled by people who do not wish you well, and in that you should be assertive in spite of potential discomfort.

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They are trying to control it.  My aunt accused me of being angry, and I had to kindly explain I am not with all the reasons as to why.  I said I feel a lot of things, anger maybe being the last.

My brother accused me of being angry when I asked him how the hospital visit was. There was literally nothing I said that remotely indicated anger.

I literally feel they’re labelling all my feelings as “anger.”

I asked to go to the cremation, and my brother lied and said it wasn’t happening.  My aunt told me it was Friday.  He lied to deflect me out of going.  My aunt and uncle discouraged me from going.

They said I was to be absolutely silent about anything she did to us, and don’t mention the abuse, and if I say anything remotely upsetting to her partner I’ll be disowned.

My aunt said my mother’s partner even thought I was angry.  I never met her partner. It’s like they’re intimidating from going.

So I’m going. 

Edited by wookie
I’m high
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The cremation is private.  My brother is refusing to let me attend it.  He is refusing to give the address, and is trying to frame my reactions as bad, or rude.  When he said there was no service, I said, "She has no friends I guess,"  He replied, "Knock it off."

But seriously you can be a pedophile and have a public funeral.  It's so tight lipped, and they are literally letting my abuser (my brother) control things.  I doubt they believe me as they have already told I'm a fucking liar.

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I am sorry you have so much to deal with.

When my father died they had a memorial service months after. It was the opposite, I felt obligated to go. Everyone was saying what a wonderful man he was and I wanted to scream.  They asked me to speak so I read a poem I found on the internet that seemed fitting.

 

I know you have so many emotions, be gentle with yourself.

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This is all kinds of shady.

You need to find out who the executor of the will is immediately. From the way you describe the situation, everyone involved is actively excluding you and withholding information, but the executor is required by law to keep you reasonably informed about the contents of the will, to provide you with a copy of it on request, about any proposed actions in resolving the estate, and otherwise keeping you informed as a beneficiary. It isn't optional. He has no authority to modify the stipulations of the will or change your inheritance status in any way. None of them do. Neither is he allowed to threaten or intimidate you.

Attempting to disown you from the family would not, I think, have any effect on your status as a beneficiary. (Otherwise, it sounds like these extremely toxic people would be doing you a favor, unless you actually want them as family.) Someone can't just say, "We really don't want sister to inherit anything from our late mother's estate, so let's just disown her." Yeah, nice try. And even if they did try, you'd have excellent grounds to contest it.

I'm not a lawyer in any way, but I suggest that the moment the services have concluded, you ask for a copy of the will, and if you are rebuffed in any way, lawyer up without delay, because you have the right to contest an executor's actions if you don't agree with them, if you do it within a certain window of time. You can get a copy of the will from the court.

 

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14 hours ago, Cerberus said:

This is all kinds of shady.

You need to find out who the executor of the will is immediately. From the way you describe the situation, everyone involved is actively excluding you and withholding information, but the executor is required by law to keep you reasonably informed about the contents of the will, to provide you with a copy of it on request, about any proposed actions in resolving the estate, and otherwise keeping you informed as a beneficiary. It isn't optional. He has no authority to modify the stipulations of the will or change your inheritance status in any way. None of them do. Neither is he allowed to threaten or intimidate you.

Attempting to disown you from the family would not, I think, have any effect on your status as a beneficiary. (Otherwise, it sounds like these extremely toxic people would be doing you a favor, unless you actually want them as family.) Someone can't just say, "We really don't want sister to inherit anything from our late mother's estate, so let's just disown her." Yeah, nice try. And even if they did try, you'd have excellent grounds to contest it.

I'm not a lawyer in any way, but I suggest that the moment the services have concluded, you ask for a copy of the will, and if you are rebuffed in any way, lawyer up without delay, because you have the right to contest an executor's actions if you don't agree with them, if you do it within a certain window of time. You can get a copy of the will from the court.

 

I wasn’t given any information to attend it anyway. No address. Her partner won’t speak to me. But only my brother is going. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s attempting to pull something shady. I wish I trusted him.

Edited by wookie
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It’s confirmed. I think my brother is doing sketchy shit.  So I was invited to go and my mother’s partner wanted me to come, but my brother refused and lied.

not surprised he’s acting like a shady cunt.

Is it okay I think my brother is a narcissistic cunt?

Edited by wookie
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On 11/1/2022 at 3:18 PM, wookie said:

sadness for something I never really had.

Yeah I understand that. My father died years ago and he was never really a father.

 

1 hour ago, wookie said:

Is it okay I think my brother is a narcissistic cunt?

Is it necessary to use such foul language? Yeah he's sounding like a cunt.

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4 hours ago, wookie said:

It’s confirmed. I think my brother is doing sketchy shit.  So I was able to go and my mother’s partner wanted me to come, but my brother refused and lied.

not surprised he’s acting like a shady cunt.

Is it okay I think my brother is a narcissistic cunt?

Yes, Wookie, it’s okay to think that he’s a narcissistic cunt. The things he is doing are not things someone with a balanced personality does. That’s obvious.

You have a choice how you react, however. You can think of him as evil, or you can think of him as ill.

 I faced the same problem with my aunt and her youngest daughter, my cousin. In 2005, both of them did their best to destroy my reputation, get me fired from my job, and investigated by the police on utterly false claims, and destroyed my ability to pursue a life’s goal. Their actions involved my entire extended family, and eventually split our family in two, where we had once been close. I had nightmares about my aunt until only about three years ago.

Though there are no diagnoses, I am quite certain my aunt suffers gravely from BPD. Her daughter is undoubtedly sociopathic - she has done similar things to other people, without remorse. They are plainly ill. Do a degree that minimizes the pain I would otherwise feel, and has helped me move forward in a path toward trying to forgive them for what they’ve done. I still can’t, but I’m still trying. I have not spoken to either of them in 18 years, and likely never will again; my aunt is 78 years old with COPD. I do not wish them ill; I just want to forget about them altogether. They are not a part of my life save as a terrible memory, and they cause me no more harm. I am better off without them.

 I can’t suggest how you should deal with your own situation. I’m only saying that the choice is yours. Even if you choose to think of your brother as ill, you still have to decide whether you want him in your life or not, and you should know that there is no decision that is “good” or “bad”. It’s your life and your choice, no one else’s.

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