sweetpeaindixie Posted April 18, 2006 Share Posted April 18, 2006 hi, i am weary of doing this, cuz i hate rejection...........but i want to belong to the community so i will introduce myself. I am sweetpea, aka sonya, and live in alabama. I am bipolar 1,have panic disorder and PTSD. My meds are lamictal, trazadone, klonopin, and seroquel. I just started my second marriage on Valentines Day, and actually met my husband in chat at another bipolar site. I was married the first time for 15 years, and have 3 beautiful children. Last year about this time my exhusband insisted i try the alternative route of treating bipolar disorder. And even though I am a nurse, and should have known better, I quit all meds, and went completely with alternative meds. I became manic as hell, and to make a long story short, I ended up hopping a plane from bama to Missouri to meet the guy I am now married too. I walked away from my life here in bama for six months, including my children. He and I married and are living in alabama again while i try to rebuild my relationship with my family (I have been harshly judged by my family) and trying desperately to rebuild my relationships with my children who are 5,8, and 11, the oldest a boy. I was lucky that the man I went to in Missori turned out to be my soulmate, and we are very happy together. But have paid a high price. My ex ended with complete custody of my kids (I deserved that). However, things are working out now, and he lets me have my kids anytime i want them, which is all the days I am off. My eight year old and five year old daughters have been put in counseling because of being abandoned my their mom. I dont know if I ever will forgive myself for this. In october while i was away from my kids, and because of the horrible guilt I felt, and btw, was still not on meds, I overdosed on an old bottle of seroquel I had. I took 8000 (that is not an error, really, 8000 mg) of seroquel, and my husband barely found me time, he ended up seeing them coding me, i was on the ventilator for awhile, and went into the psych hospital awhile. My family traveled to Missouri, and the therapist in the hospital would not let me leave until I had several sessions with my family. This helped alot to make my mom and sister understand why i had done what i had done. Since then have been place on the above mentioned meds, and somehow, i ended up on the best cocktail for me. I have been stable since Oct. So now I am working again as a charge nurse, have a new marriage which makes me very happy, and rebuilding a better life. My goals now are not to let my disorders define who I am, and prove to my children that I do love them, and will never leave them again. I am starting to believe that as they get older they will understand more, and forgive me one day. Today I am optimistic, even though I still have mood swings, I learned from almost dying with that overdose, that there IS ALWAYS HOPE. I was hopeless that day, but now when i get down, i remember, that things do get better,even when my mind is telling me they never will. I hope to be an inspiration to people by proving it is possible to live with my diagnosis, and I try to do something good for at least one person a day, that keeps me from focusing on me and my problems so much. Anyway, I tend to be longwinded, and I am sorry if I was boring. I hope to make lots of friends here. And nice to meet you all. Thanks, Sweetpea in Dixie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thomas Posted April 18, 2006 Share Posted April 18, 2006 Good to meet you, Sweatpea. Tommy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AirMarshall Posted April 18, 2006 Share Posted April 18, 2006 Hi Sweetpea, Welcome! No need to pull any punches here, you are among friends and fellow travelers. What a wild year, but its nice to hear you have gotten steady. Keep on with the kids, eventually they will be able to understand that you were sick, not uncaring. Your mother and sister deserve some credit for going to counseling with you, and your new husband for standing by you. Feel free to post, and PM any of the mods if you need help. Cheers, A.M. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Croix Posted April 18, 2006 Share Posted April 18, 2006 Awww, sweetpea, all are welcomed here with open arms. Try not to let the guilt get to you about your kids. (I'm not gonna say don't feel guilty, cuz us moms do that anyway). The older they get, the more stable you are, they'll understand. They might be angry as hell about it for a while, but as long as you are open and honest with them about your illness, they'll come around. It's great to hear you've found meds that work for you and are doing so much better. With everything you've been through, you could be a great help to others around these parts. But, no pressure to do so. Come on in, wander around. Get comfortable and put your feet up. I personally have eaten all the chocolate around here this week, but I'm sure there's some salty goodies around here somewhere... Welcome again, Croix Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa_K Posted April 18, 2006 Share Posted April 18, 2006 Hey Sweetpea...welcome to the boards...no need to feel scared of this place. If you need anything, feel free to PM me...glad youve made your way here!!...Lisa Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
celestia Posted April 18, 2006 Share Posted April 18, 2006 So now I am working again as a charge nurse, have a new marriage which makes me very happy, and rebuilding a better life. My goals now are not to let my disorders define who I am, and prove to my children that I do love them, and will never leave them again. I am starting to believe that as they get older they will understand more, and forgive me one day. Welcome Sweet Pea! Well you got here with goals and a good job, and a great new husband! Sounds like you're doing all that you can to heal the abandonment issue with the kiddos and I'm willing to bet in a few years, with consistency on your part, all we be forgiven. I'm sorry if that sounds glib, but my head is pounding. And you got to CB in much better shape than a lot of us who are still kicking, you sound good. Anyway, I tend to be longwinded, and I am sorry if I was boring. I hope to make lots of friends here. And nice to meet you all. This place is full of all kinds of personalities. I have no doubt you will fit right in, and you can't be too long-winded around here...nope...talk as much, as often, and as long as you need to. S9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sweetpeaindixie Posted April 19, 2006 Author Share Posted April 19, 2006 Thanks guys for the welcome, you made me feel right at home, i look forward to getting to know all of you!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
InfoNut Posted April 19, 2006 Share Posted April 19, 2006 One of the best things about this place is never having to be afraid to admit something. Not that it's not nervous-making sometimes, but there is such a wide range of people here, all who have done things they regret. To quote that great sage and philosopher Annie Lennox: If I had a dollar bill for all the things that I've done, There'd be a mountain of money piled up to my chin. I am BP I as well, and have a difficult time forgiving myself for many ofthe things I've done while manic. Quite a bit of guilt there. Because of that, how could I ever look down on anything anyone else has done. This is a very safe and supportive place. Glad you found it. Look forward to getting to know you. InfoNut Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~nestling~ Posted April 19, 2006 Share Posted April 19, 2006 welcome Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freesoul Posted April 19, 2006 Share Posted April 19, 2006 Welcome to the best place on the net for us crazies. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ncc1701 Posted April 25, 2006 Share Posted April 25, 2006 Hey Sonya, Nice to meet you. You are so cute!! Stories of positivr coping are so treasured. It's a helpful place here. Welcome. --ncc-- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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