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I am so, so, so, so sick and fucking tired!!!

I am tired of having a really good week and then for no apparent reason feeling shitty as hell for another week or even 2. 

I have absolutely nothing to complain about.  I have a roof over my head, a boyfriend who will flip cartwheels for me when I'm down, a job I actually LOVE, hope for the future, etc., etc. yet I had the feeling again this morning that I hate my fucking life.  Why????

I have the feeling that I'm so fucking lonely, yet I am not alone.

I have the feeling that I'm the biggest fuck-up that ever walked the earth, yet I haven't done anything wrong (lately...).

About two weeks ago I had the best week.  The best in a long long time.  Actually it lasted 9 days.  Since then (about 10 days ago) I've just been sad, moody, crying, cranky, tired as hell, sensitive and fragile.  WTF? 

I just want to be normal.

Does ANYONE at all know what I mean?  Can you relate?  I don't need an answer or someone to solve it for me, I just don't want to feel so ALONE!!!

(PS:  I'm going to the doctor on Monday, I hate her but I'm going anyway.  I haven't seen a shrink since August because I moved across the country.  I don't think my meds are enough either, so that's why I'm going.)

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Hi Velveteen,

I'll talk to you, still trying to get the fog out of my head after sleeping on the couch with the lights and tv on. ;)

Still, I'm thankful to get 6 hours of sleep after all.

Feeling lousy half the time is not a good thing and is definitely reason enought to see the doc. Hope today goes better for you.

a.m.

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Thanks AM.  Actually today is just a bad day and getting worse.  I tried to write an email to my mother and lost the plot. She's one of the reasons I feel like crap a lot.

Doesn't help that I have the headache from hell.  That and I can't cry because it makes the headache worse plus the fact that I've spent most of my life conditioning myself not to feel this.

Appreciate your response ;)

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Oh, I decided for once I wasn't going to suggest that. ;)   I was feeling that maybe I read too much into peoples descriptions.

Dealing with regular pain can definitely make a poor day miserable, especially when you just ignore it and try to press through without treating it.

a.m.

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believe it or not, bipolar was something that I had scarily been thinking about... not too much the last week or so, but definitely a few weeks ago when I was feeling good!

Well, that is good, tho, because you can go to the pdoc and say "this is what I'm thinking of, and why". Otherwise you may skip mentioning symptoms. The minute I hit the office, my mind tends to be a blank slate.

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My boyfriend is going with me.  We already made a list of things.  I have other physical shit going on as well, so it doesn't help things.  Bad stomach, bad knee, can't sleep sometimes, that sort of stuff.

Last time I went, I had a list too but practically got kicked out of the doctor's office since we ran over the allotted time.  Hence not liking my doctor much... ;)

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Rabbit, I already made a "double" appointment, so there should be enough time tomorrow.  I am anxious though, and worried that it's going to set me off for a bad week.  Trying to not project that too much though. 

So... again, without any real reason behind it... things shifted for me again yesterday - sometime around 7pm I felt actually quite calm and ok.  I also slept wonderfully, for almost 10 hours and I feel ok today.  I don't feel great, but I don't feel half as bad as I did yesterday.

This is exactly what I mean - I don't know why this happens, nothing major is triggering me (that I know of), I just either feel like desperation on wheels or OK or damn good.  It's very annoying.

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I just either feel like desperation on wheels or OK or damn good.  It's very annoying.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Hi Velvet,

Your last post really struck a chord. I know what it's like to be on the roller coaster you're describing (though it's  more like a tilt-a-whirl, isn't it?). I've felt this way for years. One day I'm great, the next I'm suicidal, the next I'm running around like I've been electrocuted. It IS annoying. It's also disruptive and debilitating. I hope you're able to convey this to the doctor tomorrow. Did you say your bf was going with you? That's a great idea. I think it helps to have someone (apparently) stable to look the pdoc in the eye and say "No - you're not getting it." Make sure he knows he has to stick up for you. It's hard as hell to maintain your cool and be rational and informed when you're talking about your mental health. Good luck.

Millie

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I was actually going to post something about this. I'm on new-ish meds for about 4 months, and they'd been working great, but April rolled around, and it's always REALLY high-stress (everyone loads up classwork for NOW, and the club I'm president of has a couple major events planned for this month), and I started getting random bad days / one bad week again. ANd I'm sleeping more again, and not eating as much. And I really don't know what that means. :-/

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Update: went to the doc - am now upped to 150mg Effexor. I'm working on getting a therapist as well.

I am actually back "up" again - started yesterday when I had this burst of energy and I started cleaning the house like crazy. At some point I sat down to rest a minute and then my brain switched again and I had this feeling that I wanted to just go to bed. I decided to push through it though and made it until my "real" bedtime.

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Velveteen:

I feel this way as well. I guess the good thing is that I now have days when I'm happy. A couple of weeks ago I felt so good, I started to freak out that I was manic! Unfortunately, my good moods don't last. It's then that I wish I had NO feelings at all.

dianebea

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I've found that one way around the time bind with docs (and it can help you collect your thoughts as well) is to sit down and write a couple of separate - well, essays or outlines.

One would be a life history, with chronology, presenting symptoms, and your purely medical history too (this would include your medications - all sorts, and dxes and symptoms of your family too). If you know how to write a case presentation, it can help but informal is good to.

The other would be a description of what you've described above. Kind of an expansion of "presenting symptoms" only in narrative form. Also when it began how it intereferes with your life, etc.

It's important to write this when you're feeling really together, maybe after collecting notes jotted down as they come to you over a period of time.

If you edit it so much the better. It will end up (hopefully) shorter, clearly and you yourself will see things you didn't see before too. This is especialy important with a new doc.

You may have to pay for their reading time (in fact, offer to - they're busy after all). It still abbreviates the period of their getting to know you. And the process of writing it can be very helpful in itself. Also then you have it as a reference when you change docs, move, for a new tdoc, etc. (only updated) .

This BTW can be very useful for new family docs too especially as they never seem to have time to really take a proper history or get to know you.

Be sure to drop this off before or between appointments! It's not much good if they're reading it with you sitting there.

(Learned this technique from a lawyer who was helping me deal with a shoddy electrician. He was a lousy lawyer, but this idea was worth the whole thing anyhow. Note: No, I did NOT give him my medical history ;) - just the history of the contractor dispute with dates, documentation etc.)

Lotsa luck dealing with what (erhum) DOES sound distinctly bipolar!

rt

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