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I did it


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The downward spiral started a week ago and things got unbearable. Panic attacks/mixed states/depression...

So friday night I was lying in bed, suicidal thoughts spinning in my head (like so many times before). I've always been able to handle these thoughts before. I haven't even had the urge to cut in a long time.

This time though, something was different. I don't know if it was that the depression was worse, or that my mixed state gave me the energy to do something. Or the Ritalin making me borderline-psychotic.

I got a knife and started cutting my wrists. No relief.

A quick thought about my medicine box, sitting on my desk, appeared.

Before I had a chance to have second thoughts, I took about 16 mg of Xanax, 30-40 mg of Fluanxol. It was a weird feeling. Powerful.

Then I panicked and called 112 (swedish 911). I gave them my adress and they sent some people over there and advised me to try and throw up. "But I want to die!"

So many mixed feelings. I really didn't want to die, deep inside of me, but somehow I thought things would be different if I tried. I took 10  more mg of Xanax, then panicked again and started throwing up. No pills came up.

Then it's all a blur. I vaguely remember certain moments, lie lying in the ambulance, later drinking that horrible carbon-mixture and then throwing up because of some other mixture they gave me and people urging me to drink more of the black, horrible liquid. I also have flashbacks about me wanting to take the bus home, wanting to smoke constantly and not being able to walk.

I woke up several times during the night, thinking it was all a nightmare when I didn't recognize my own room. Finally I woke up in the morning, with a needle in my arm.

My head and body was aching like hell, but for some weird reason, things felt better. When you hit rock bottom, there's no other way than up.

Thank God they didn't put me in the psych ward again. They could clearly see I was doing ok and was thinking clearly.

I've had numerous talks with my pdoc over the phone. She thinks the recently added Ritalin may have had something to do with it, so she took that away and lowered my Concerta dose. This was the first time she actually used the words "psychotic tendencies" to me. She upped Geodon to 120 mg.

It's still a bit unreal to me. I can't believe I did it.

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gee, i am glad that u made it through that horrible time, i cant imagine what it would of been like for u but. but u r right u can only go up when u hit rock bottom so keep posting and be strong. sorry i have nothing deep and meaningful to add other then i am glad u r still here with us.

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helena-

if i did that here, they'd have me in the psych ward for at least 3 weeks! i don't know if it is good or bad that you didn't go there. i'm really surprised they're so casual about it. that's a horror from hell.

i'm very, very happy you're okay and still with us. i think it shows just how we're always just a pill box away from doing ourselves in. we're mortal.

while no one understands anyone else entirely, i think i can understand you've had a horrible week. i just found out i'm pregnant and that explains my moods from hell i've had this week. i'm very surprised that i'm not writing another psych ward story right now.

mixed episodes- the worst- when we have the dark thoughts along with the energy to do ourselves in- and hardly realize it-

i am surprised they didn't put you in the psych ward. don't be afraid to go there. at least here (i live in a crappy part of the US), the psych wards aren't too terrible and i always feel better when i leave, even if i haven't shaved or looked at myself for weeks.

-- loon--

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I'm so sorry to hear this. I've tried it four times and the last time nearly took. I was on a respirator and they said I nearly didn't make it.

Fortunately, in spite of it, not  because of it, my life circumstances got much better after that time. No matter how many times you are in the psych hospital, I don't think it acts as much as a preventive as knowledge can. Unless they have classes there in cognitive abilities, which they probably don't. For me, the knowledge that when I get super upset/unhappy/depressed, my very first thought - my very first option that I consider - is su*c*de. It's gotten rather ridiculous for me; I think of it before I think of anything. That's because it's a mental habit for me.

Being aware of your thoughts can restructure your life. Unfortunately, allowing yourself this "out," this option, gets to be a mental habit. And that's not good. Why should that thought be your first option rather than some other option? Being aware of this first, is a huge step forward. Then we need to work on replacing that option with another #1 option. Like jogging down the street, or talking to a friend.

Along time ago, I read this book and some parts of it actually stuck with me. I intend to read it again:

Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy

Its about being aware of your thoughts, thought habits and patterns. If you are aware of them you can change them.

Best wishes....

[P.S. Hi Revlow; I love your South Park avatar!!]

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So sorry to hear about this experience! I understand what you mean about feeling better though - I took an 'impulsive' overdose in a similar way a few years ago, woke up a couple of days later in hospital feeling much better, had a brief chat with a pschologist and checked myself out. I have to say I was fairly surprised in retrospect that they let me leave like that....but on the other hand, I think being with my friends and getting back to normal life was far better therapy for me than a stay in the psych ward.

I hope things are continuing to look better for you. xxx

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Yeah, it was a bit weird they just let me check out like that. But going back to a normal life has really helped. If I was locked in I would just think about it on and on and on. It's not that the psych ward is that horrible (ok, it is), but more that it puts you in a place where there's just you and your problems, nothing else.

In a weird way, I think it something good came out of the bad. I realized that I do want to live. Things are improving.

My body really hates me for the overdose tho. Muscle achings for days now.

Geodon seems to be helping, even as an antidepressant. I'm weirdly non-hypomanic happy.

Loon: Pregant? Omg, do you have a thread about it?

Just thought of something. This happened days before my period. My mood swings seem to be worse when having PMS. I might go back on the pill again, just because of that.

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Life is back to normal again. Boring and stable. But that's a lot better.

Weird side effects from Geodon, but I'm handling it. I've only been on this dose for a week so patience... Not that I'm good at that.

Apart from the weird antipsychotic body feeling... I'm good. Please let it stay this way. No more drama.

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