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An update from the wierdo one--


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Well, kiddos, counting down the days to the surgery on my back (may 2)--still in terrible, unremitting pain.  Esp. tonite, when I let my pain meds lapse and missed the call from the doc's office , so I am out till tomorrow.

Good news--I qualified by 3 days for both short and long term disability paid for entirely by my company.  Its 60%, starting after 2 weeks, for as log as 24 months.  What a relief.

Emotionally, I am a total wreck, have been "examining my life" and have really decided that I have wasted most of it and made a huge disaster out of the decisions I made--most of which were in rebellion against my mom who I despised (for no reason except that we were so different).  I did stupid hurtful things to so many people, too late to undo them.

And now my poor husband, who is really tired of all this--and never was the most in tune to anyone's feelings, has basically bailed emotionally. He told me tonite, when I was weeping about being out of pain meds, that I should just deal with it , feelings don't matter, just get over it. I love him, I always will, and right now, he is all I have--literally. But if things were different, I think I would just leave, and spend the rest of my "elder years" alone.  He's so afraid of ANY feelings that dont  involve sex--he freaks when I cry, and just dismisses everything else.

I reallyneed some therapy--the talk kind--gonna try to get my pdoc to refer me ASAP.  As it is, I think that my life is a total burden to the kids and husband,and would be better off if I were just out of the way.  And cant shake that feeling. There is not one single person here I can talk to or confide in--the lonliness is almost unbearable.

BTW--be careful what you wish for.  I always wanted to be nothing more than a stay-at home wife/mother, NEVER wanted to work outsde my home.  Well, got my wish--but it also comes with pain, and disability, and possibility of permanent loss of mobility.  Not exactly what I had in mind--

china, in a funk that just doesn;t go away.

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Hi China,

I'm excited to hear that your back surgery is coming up soon. I do tech support and one of my users had back surgery and it was such a wonderful breakthrough for her. No more pain!

I'm also glad to hear about the disability. I'll keep my fingers crossed that it's enough to get you through.

On the other end of the spectrum, I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling sad and alone. Even though we've never spoken, you are one of my favorite people here. I'm not really sure why. I think it might be in part because of your pic but it's definitely because I like what comes through of your personality.

If you'd like, I'll be your sad and alone partner. Heck we're even kitty corner opposite coasts. I'm in Washington State.

I wish I could offer words of wisdom and healing but all I can offer is a shoulder,  an 'I understand' , and an 'I hear ya'.

I'm not doing so hot killing my own disruptive thoughts at the moment, what's helping most for me right now has been either music or spending an inordinate amount of time either reading music blogs or gossip blogs. I started reading the gossip blogs about six months ago. They are much better than television for killing time and they don't make me cry. It's all so very shallow and embarrassing but it gets me through the evenings. Why I'm trying to get through the evenings is going to be a springer thread pretty soon I think. I had a dreadful epiphany yesterday. I have a gazillion music and gossip blog links if you need them.

Or, if you need a laugh, this page is definitely good for one no matter HOW depressed you are:

http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/

Ruins

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China,

Sounds like you are in a tight spot.  I am new to this sight and have never been on a board like this.  I am unsure how all this works.  Not sure of myself never have been.  I have only been on meds for less than  1 year now.  Feel less like a yo yo. but still resist wanting to be on meds..  Never really learned how to deal with my emotions don't know what normal is.  Doesn't that sound f***ed up.

I hope you get linked up with a good therapist it does seem to help me somewhat.  I hope your therapist offers group therapy as this is helpful for me. I find I need alot of support and a group that is safe with other individuals trying to recover some type of sane existence is helpful .  Don't feel so alone when I surround myself with others trying to get well.

Being on meds is really different for me.  I don't feel as hopeless all the time as I did before. Although I regressed into some deep sadness (hoplessness) and Doc added Risperidone *2mg. on top of Celexa *30mg.  Obsessive thoughts have lessened, but meds leave me uncertain if how I am feeling is normal--- a bit zoned.

Again I say I don't know if how I am responding is correct.  Don't know how to use all the menu stuff. Good luck with your surgery, I am not religious bit believe in a Higher Power (12 step stuff) and I will be thinking of you in a healing way tonight.

Take care and be gentle with yourself.  Signed a friend in recovery

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Hi China!

Was wondering how you are doing.  I'm sure it's miserable waiting for surgery.

But shortly you'll be in the hospital were you can get lots of rest and relaxation.  NOT.  ;)

All that pain is wearing you down.  It saps your energy and leaves you with no emotional reserve. Things will seem better when you get some relief.

Hang in there, and don't give the nurses too hard a time.

Best,

A.M.

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Hey China:

  I too have been looking for word on how you are doing. I am sorry for all the shit at home. I hear ya there. My husband has been reacting in a similar way to my back problems. ("oh do you hurt?") Makes me feel like we are room mates sometimes.

  My back problems are not serious enough for surgery, but grinding daily pain has a way of wearing you down as AM said. I know this all too well.

  Hang in there and we are here for you.

Breeze

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Chinacat:  I'm happy to hear about the upcoming surgery and that you'll have some income, but I'm sorry you're beating yourself up about your life.

(I'm only 5 years younger than you, so we're in the same boat in terms of looking back and regretting.)

DON'T DO IT! It's so futile and it makes you feel like crap, and it doesn't change the bad decisions you think you made.  They're done.  Brooding over it will only make you feel worse.

I think a therapist can maybe give you the tools to not be squirrel-caging about the past.  I hope, too, that once your operation is over and you get some pain relief, you will be able to focus on your future.  If that future includes your husband, fine.  If you are tired of the lack of support, move on.  I can't imagine getting through my golden (ick) years without my rock and support.  He doesn't like it when I cry, either, but he would have offered to go get the meds, or to help me in some way.

You are a cutie, and there are men out there who would appreciate you---so grit your teeth and get through your surgery, and after that's over you can deal with the other crap.

I somehow see you hooking up with a guy who owns a Harley with a sidecar and you go to rallies and spend the winters in Florida and the summers up North.  Don't I have an active fantasy life?  ;) I even create fantasies for people I have never met!!

Sending you positive thoughts---and I hope they give you GREAT pain meds in the hospital! 

olga

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Thanks, guys--you KNOW i will be giving the nurses HELL, in a nice, "we're all in this together" kinda way, which always works to get what you want/need in a hospital.

The hubby couldn't get the meds--they wern't called in--and we have not spoken, not one single word, since about 7:30 last nite.

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Had an actual conversation with DH last nite, and told him I just needed some support, hugs, etc--NOT for him to fix things.  He kept saying, "What would you tell someone who asked you as a nurse what to do?"  and I kept saying"I would tell them I am so sorry that they are in such pain, and what do they need from me, and other generally reassuring things--and I would HUG them."  So apparently that worked--he's doing more housework and I'm getting more hugs.

(And no trouts were harmed in this intervention)

Me and the Lortabs have parted company, since the doc told me (and I realized he's right) that if I keep inhaling them, after surgery NOTHING will work.  So I have some "5's" which I am trying not to take.  Of course, I did not sleep at all last nite, even on the couch with a million pillows where I can usually nap. So of course this AM, I am hysterical and scared shitless and cannot walk at all and have to go to the doc around noon for the pre-op stuff.

Note: have to confes I "overdid " it yesterday--laundry, cleaned kitchen floor, changed sheets, and WASHED MY CAR!! I know , stupid, but I at least felt like a human being and not some lump, some crippled burden on  everyone  I would honestly rather be dead than have to be taken care of by my husband and/or family and shoved around in some scooter thing.  I'm generally healthy, I could live another 30 years--what an unending nightmare!! Time to check out if that happens, for sure--

I am also dealing with some terribly deep and very  troubling issues about my mother--who has been dead since 1986, but for some reason, all the shit is coming up now.  She was a wonderful, June Cleaver type--who disliked me as much as I disliked her, cause I was just like my dad.  (The qualities she found attractive in a husband she did not find attractive in a daughter, apparently) No abuse, none of the really BAD stuff, its just we never liked each other, and I made a lot of stupid decisions just because they were the opposite of what she would have done.  Really smart, huh?  When you are in your 20's, you know everything--

Anyway, another wonderful day in paradise.  Maybe I will limp to the beach after the doc--at least to see the ocean.  Don't think I can walk down thru the sand and get my feet in the water, which is what I desperaely need. I am such a water soul--

Thanks for listening, guys--don't know what I'd do without this place and you folk.

china, terrified beyond words, still and always--

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LAST UPDATE I PROMISE, FOLKS!! ( Guess I should used Springer, but Oh, well--)

Suregery is tomorrow AM around 11:30, should take about 4-5 hours, etc. I have asked my daughter to try to get on using my ID and let you all know whats up--I've gotten so much support and good vibes from all you nutcases, so figured I out to keep you up to date.

So--we'll see if the pain goes, if I buy a 2006 model scoter, if its walker-city forever, if I can manage to stay disabled til I can draw Social Security--13 months. Or--if my spine really does crumble like a stale Titz cracker--my favotire fantasy--

Thanks again, kiddies--nothing like haveing friends around when you need 'em.

Love and fingers crossed, and supplications made to any and all dieties--

china

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LAST UPDATE I PROMISE, FOLKS!! ( Guess I should used Springer, but Oh, well--)

Suregery is tomorrow AM around 11:30, should take about 4-5 hours, etc. I have asked my daughter to try to get on using my ID and let you all know whats up--I've gotten so much support and good vibes from all you nutcases, so figured I out to keep you up to date.

So--we'll see if the pain goes, if I buy a 2006 model scoter, if its walker-city forever, if I can manage to stay disabled til I can draw Social Security--13 months. Or--if my spine really does crumble like a stale Titz cracker--my favotire fantasy--

Thanks again, kiddies--nothing like haveing friends around when you need 'em.

Love and fingers crossed, and supplications made to any and all dieties--

china

You got it Chinacat! Done the spinal surgery thing, and have followed your posts about your back, your pain, all all the fun stuff that goes with having a severely fucked up back. Will definitely "shoot one up" for you to any and all the dieties in my realm of belief (there's a lot of 'em!!).

Good luck and god speed to wellness and hopefully pain relief if not pain free (we can't get too carried away with these dreams...or can we??)

Will be watching for news.

S9

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Guest Shannon

Hello all -

Jeani did not end up going into surgery until 3:30pm Eastern time. As of this email she is still in surgery and Rick predicts she will be there until at least 7:30 or 8.

I will send more when I know more.

Pax,

Shannon (Jeani's daughter)

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