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So, this is my last week on efexor...(Monday is the day I come off it completely..)

So, I've started back at therapy after the break...

So, I've been in the new job just over 2 weeks...

And, so, my flatmate is still pregnant....

And I'm....depressed...feeling somewhat better from therapy yesterday....feel more in my body, more relaxed. relatively....

I feel lost still....clinging onto my anchors.....feel such a deep deep sadness.....such sorrow...pure depression....

I just have to keep breathing into and through it...its the only way....

Sucking sweets on public transport helps...concentration, and the obvious infant sucking mechanism, helps me feel more secure...also keeps my mind off hyper-vigilance and startle....

Therapy...is going to be distinctly Klein and Winnicott I feel...all my feelings around my flatmate's pregnancy...won't go into that here, but if you know anything about object relations/analysis you might be able to figure it out...and it is, as Klein said, to have the deepest darkest feelings interpreted and understood and contained by my therapist.....such rage...and pain...and aloneness...and rejection and horror and terror and sorrow and loss...

It came up again yesterday my feelings that I had a twin in the womb, but it died, that I killed it....this may be pure fantasy (phantasy)...but there is definitely something about it that has some significance, even if its symbolic.....

I feel disappointed and frustrated that I am not up to replying to and supporting other people on their threads...I can barely find the right words for myself...and if this post is somewhat 'wordy' then please find the feelings, the raw pain and terror, beneath......

I am not gone...I am here...and I need friends just now....

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so, it's your turn to recieve support.  that's fine, you are allowed to ask for help and get it for an indefinite period of time.  we don't put timers on people (ding!  your 10 minutes of sympathy is up!).

just keep checking in please.

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Thank you both.

I'm feeling a bit better this morning...not very awake yet, but I slept much better last night...which was a relief....

partly what triggered me yesterday was I chose to walk to the tube rather than get the bus to work, the bus being very crowded at 8.30 am and way too triggery for my claustraphobia/agoraphobia and PTSD stuff....and the only snag with the tube route is that the walk to the line I need to use is pretty much the exact route I had to walk to the counselling and psychotherapy college I used to attend...before I had to leave the MA programme I was studying there, because of my mental health difficulties causing re-traumatisation.....etc....and it is natural I'd feel sad and loss and grief about that.....I did have friends there, and I do have som happy memories, and for the most part, the tutors believed in me

(apart from the one who called a panic attack acting out....as if I could control having a panic attack and PTSD symptoms in a stressful group situation......I wish I could have done, but......and having to leave the room because I felt it closing in around me, and then be told that she ignored me because in her book I was acting out...is the final humiliation....)

Therapy midday....just 3 and a half hours work to get through first....that's manageable....just keep breathing and holding on in there...

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  • 3 weeks later...

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