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I don't feel safe


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I'm scared. I don't feel safe. I'm freaking out. Jumpy. Jittery. Scared of people. Getting brain zaps, feel disorientated. Very wary and watchful. Everything upsets me.

I emailed the Samaritans last night. All they said in tehir response was asking if I feel suicidal. I didn't realise you had to feel suicidal to get help. I feel very rejected and cast out.

I've emailed my therapist but I doubt she'll respond.

I'm scared of ending up in hospital.

Nowhere feels safe.

help.

what can I do?

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nestling,

i think i remember you withdrew effexor, right? and took time off work to deal with the beginning of the time of 0mg. i remember that as such a challenging time. it will have it's effects physically and emotionally. i think much of what you are feeling is attributatble that. it may not take those feeling away but see if it helps to think that not trusting and feeling wary and jittery is part of that. i don't know if you have a prn you can take to deal with some of the anxiety. or call your doctor to check if that is ok, or see if your doctor can give you something to help with that maybe.

i don't have experience with the samaritans, but is it possible that they were asking to help keep you safe? we don't tend to ask if a person is suicidal here, because mostly people feel comfortable offering that information because we won't order them to go to the hospital. sometimes we suggest it though.

But what i'd offer is that the samaritans wanted to keep you safe, and if you told them that you weren't suicidal, but that this was what is going on, that they would still be willing to talk. they wouldn't say 'oh. sorry. you don't qualify to be helped' - i can understand how troubling it could be to get asked that and then feel like they are only looking for people in 'more distress'. if you are suicidal, i'm sorry i misunderstood; do you have ways to stay safe? people you can call if it gets worse? or even the samaritans. but i think you could respond that you aren't feeling like harming yourself and still get help form them.

do what you need to do to feel safe nestling, grab a tea, hide under a blankie, get all the pillows in your house and prop yourself up or down or diagonal on the sofa and listen to relaxing music.

i know when i had the withdrawl effects i tried to post on CB although it made me dizzy sometimes to scroll. i guess we do what we can.

pj

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thank you Raven,

only thing is I'm out at the moment, in a cyber cafe. my flatmates don't like me using phoneline for internet when they are in....

I'll hold on in there as much as I can...and if I have to call her this evening I will....

is bank holiday so don't have my normal session today. first day off efexor completely, too.

I'm trying to breathe..and hold myself together...

thank you pj

I replied to the s email somewhat upset.

yes, efexor horribleness...I can't seem to type coherently...

as I said above, I'm out right now....

just want to hide...but I don't want to become completely agoraphobic

no, I don't feel suicidal...just lost and hopeless and scared....

held onto small soft toy in pocket walking here....but then when I got round lots of people....then went to the toilets and there was a man in there cleaning...asked him..shouted at him to get out...said I didn't feel safe with him there....over and over again...he carried on cleaning and ignored me..then when he'd finished he said he could ask me to leave..when I was so obviously distressed...just wanted him to get away from me...I know I overreacted, but even so....

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Nestling

Is it because of going off the Effexor?

I don't know that I can be much of a help to you, except to let you know that you are safe HERE. Getting through the a/d withdrawls are just temporary.

Did you respond again to the Samaritans???

It's going to be ok. Just keep breathing!!!

edited: we were all cross posting I guess! I understand now that it's partially because of the Effexor!

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thank you velveteen

combo of efexor, PTSD, depression, anxiety, no therapy (and she was late on Friday as she was stuck in traffic on a bus ;) )

yes, I did respond to the samaritans again....

apart from here and a couple of other places online I feel terribly alone and invisible and too much for people :)

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Well I very much understand this to a certain extent, but I have to give you kudos for going out when you are feeling bad... I could never face leaving the house when I was coming off of Seroxat (Paxil). I'm glad you are able to come here and at least have some contact with people who can help, or at least be there for you!

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too public, but thanks Raven.

am a bit calmer now...still anxious, but not out of control anxious...

wish I knew how to stop this hyper-vigilance and terror....but I guess it takes time...

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Hi sweetie,

I just want to say you're not invisible to me. SO many times I don't say anything, because I so relate to so much of what you are going through, because I am going through it myself and haven't found the answers, so I dont know what to say or how to help or how to be supportive, but I am here, and I see you, and I feel your pain ...

;)

pinky

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thank you Raven....makes me want to cry..in a good way...my teenage self is really on the loose today....she scares me as well as the fear itself..

I need to talk to her (my teenage self) but that scares me too and I'm not sure why...maybe she'll get upset and suicidal and reject me too? perhaps that's what I'm scared of....

and thank you Pinky...I appreciate your caring thoughts, and replying...

I think my teenage self is the key...where to start though???

I looked through "A courage to heal" this morning, and can relate to so much of it...even though I was never sexually abused...part of me realises that it makes sense I would relate, because of the 'emotional incest'..but another part of me pushes it away as if it and I are toxic....

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have updated in my Springer thread...am doing lots better now...

also I let Kathey (teenage part) write....and have read more of 'The Courage to Heal' which relates so much to what I'm going through....even though I wasn't sexually abused as such...

am hoping that I'll feel better tomorrow...at least I've arranged to have morning off work...

still no response from my therapist though...but at least the s latest response was more empathic and caring...

see you all later...

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~nestling~

Hell, I'm impressed! I would never go out, much less yell at some guy cleaning a bathroom if I was feeling at all freaked out! I'd be under the covers or droning through some murder mystery I'd read before so I couldn't worry about how it all worked out in the end.

I'm glad the Samaritans were more helpful to you the second time around - otherwise it makes them sound like some obnoxious civil servant who won't talk to you unless you've filled out form 3478 B part 2 and previously signed in at window 4..... I used to live in Washington, D.C., the place where all that nonsense is developed in vast petrie dishes underneath the Capitol building.

I do have one suggestion that I'm sure you've already thought of, but it's worth a shot, so here goes: Is it possible to get a high speed/DSL/digital (whatever it's called there) connection to the internet at your flat, or just too ridiculously expensive? I'm spoiled by the speed of mine, and though I could in theory talk on the phone and use the internet at the same time, I still rarely answer the phone. I think that's an ingrained habit with most of us at Crazyboards.

If a high speed/broadband connection won't work, is it possible to get a separate phone line for yourself/your computer? People did that here before the higher speed connections started becoming readily available, and lots of people do anyways when their kids turn into teenagers and won't get off the phone. At least they did before cell phones became so popular.

Hope things have gotten better for you since your last post. I'm looking at the clock and it's one in the morning there so hopefully you're all tucked in and having good dreams. We're purring for you.....

Catnapper

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thank you Catnapper.....

I am planning to move once I am more medication-wise stable..my flatmate is nearly 5 months pregnant...and....so, I am holding off on any phoneline pc thing until I know more what I'm doing and where I'm going...

I have an old laptop, circa 2000, and would need router etc for broadband...would have sep phoneline, if I knew I was staying...

thanks for your ideas. ;)

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