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If I were you'all (I from Virginia) I'd tell me to talk to my pdoc. F* pdocs. Lamictil helped but not enough. Yeah, I've been on that. I'm so depressed that I resent having loved ones that prevent me from offing myself... how effed up is that? Is there really any med that relieves depression (that's legal?) What an interesting disease that forces us between chemical straight-jackets and built-in highs. I'm tired of dragging myself through life because that's what strong people do; it's what we're supposed to do. I'm not suicidal, I'm just tired of life feeling like nothing more than a burden. "It'll get better" meaning the flavor of the madness will change... and then change again...every respite predicts weeks of turture. I've achieved the only goals in this life that are worthwile, that give it any meaning..I mean finding true love...my reward has been a tiny blip in the constant drone of punishment that my brain produces...leading me to believe I have failed and should be chasing some other mirage: a stange woman? A rice paper bag? The past week I've been increasing my alcohol intake and experimenting with DMT. Well Duh, the "bad idea" alarm in my brain is screaming and I ignore it in search of relief. These are lessons I learned a decade ago and I feel like I'm making negative progress and I almost care. At my job, I'm surrounded by MD's and PhD's; I only feel comfortable around heroin addicts and you'all....feel like I'm a looser-freak under a magnifying glass...and I have to look through it too: fuck me. I can see it in their eyes: "what's wrong with you?" "how did you get this far" "it's ok, we know you're 'special'" I try so hard, I succeed and fail and the same time. And I'm getting on my nerves.

I was meant for so much less.

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I was meant for so much less.

I just don't believe that and neither should you..that's the ugly depression talking. You don't mention what meds you are on..if you are on any. You really need to go talk to your doc..If you are on meds they sound like they are pooping out..or just never have been the right thing for you..Don't give up! Don't settle down and accept this as the the best it can get..It's not! I spend a friggen decade unmedicated and 2 years on the wrong meds..finally I am on the right combo..Don't quit 5 minutes before you find the perfect mix..

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Complaining is a basic human right.

I think you pulled this post directly out of my head. I know the feeling of life being nothing but a dull, hopeless weight that you have to drag into the future with no particular reason or reward anywhere in sight.

Not wanting to leave life because of any unbearable pain, but simply because you didn't want to face the drudgery any more. Not wanting to face failing again, of being a disappointment again. But knowing that, inevitably, you will.

I know you won't believe this any more than I did, but things can and will improve. I KNEW it wasn't true in my case. I'd spent way to long screwing up my life... digging myself a hole so deep that just thinking about the effort it would take to get myself out of it made me want to lay down and die.

I was wrong... and so are you. Our lives can be lived with joy. Our lives can be fixed, and the task is so much less daunting when you are stable, and able to look at things with an uncolored eye. You may not be able to comprehend or believe this right now, and I'm not saying that it's not going to take work.

Finding the right therapist, or the right meds, doesn't mean that bluebirds will flutter down to rest upon your shoulders and money will drip from your pockets as people look at you with envy and respect.

But if you stick with it, and find something that works for you (and you will) you'll look back in a way that you can't comprehend right now, and realize how much depression was whispering in your ear, and distorting your perceptions, your feelings, and your life.

I was where you are. I can truthfully say I understand, and I feel for you. Especially because I know that you won't believe much of what I've just said. I never did.

But it happened for me, when I was sure that it couldn't.

It can for you as well.

InfoNut

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Thanks. Sometimes I can't say what I'm thinking or feeling anywhere but here. I appreciate your listening and replying. I'm on Lamictal 200mg, that's all. Been on lithium, depakote, seroquel-no thanks! I've become so med-phobic that I'm afraid to even mention feeling crappy. I see my doc Friday and he is actually a good one. I'll keep carrying that stone up that hill; that's what we do here.

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I understand the rollercoaster ride to getting the right mix..it's enough to send most of us running for the hills..But if you feel up to it, you really should talk to your pdoc about this.You say he is a good guy. Trust him..If he is a good guy, he is pulling for you! And he can't help you if you don't give him the real scoop..

I hope today the stone is lighter..

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