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I have been having a lot of trouble lately and it has taken everything in me to keep myself from cutting. I mean EVERYTHING. Today, 5/8/06, is officially 30 days since I last cut. I don't know how much longer I will last, but I thought that, maybe, if I put it out there, it would make it a little easier to keep myself going. I don't know. Sorry if this wasted anyone's time...

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I have been having a lot of trouble lately and it has taken everything in me to keep myself from cutting. I mean EVERYTHING. Today, 5/8/06, is officially 30 days since I last cut. I don't know how much longer I will last, but I thought that, maybe, if I put it out there, it would make it a little easier to keep myself going. I don't know. Sorry if this wasted anyone's time...
Oh, Ophelia, you are NEVER a waste of time. You are a gem and good for you 30 days. I am so sorry you're struggling so and wish I could offer more than a virtual hug if you want one.

Please do keep writing, you are very loved here and have helped so many of us.

Hug if ya want it,

S9

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Come on Ophelia, we'll keep counting with you. 30 days is GREAT! If it's any help, it's already 5/9/06 here in Japan, so you've already hit 31 days!

That's a HUGE accomplishment. Stay with it, ok?

lily

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hey~

while I don't know you that much, I'm going through just about the same thing. I'm trying to go without meds for the first time in about two years, and it's extremely hard, but.

I have faith in you. maybe we can keep going together? ;)

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it's good that you posted.

for a while it's been a bit easier. then tonight it got harder.

does it feel like maybe we need to build a boat to ride the waves?

or maybe it feels more like treading water and getting tired. there is the safety position, conserve energy and heat by curling up protecting the heart and belly.

come back any time you need to.

even if you didn't make it to 31 or 32 or 33 you can still come back. we can count from 1.

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Ophelia, 30 days is freakin awesome, we're all rooting for you!!! If anything, know that we are all pulling for you and just think of the awful scars more cutting can result in!! (sarcasm + love inserted here). Try with all your might to hold your urges not overtake you. You've got a lot of friends here. ;)

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I don't know what to do.... triggers.... situations....I'm being hurt so bad and it makes me want to cut. I can't deal with deal with where I am, where I'm living and the situations I am being faced with for these next two weeks. This isn't going to happen; It isn't going to work. I can't do it.

The urge is really strong and I am not strong enough. My heart hurts... I hurt...

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No matter WHAT...we are here. Just don't leave us. Work through it with us. How would you, in mod mode, advise someone in your situation? Not pressuring you, but would you give them love, and tenderness and maybe a bit of "you can do it?" I think you would.

While you go through your shit, think of us lined up behind you, beside you on both sides. Holding you up. Helping you move through this. Catching you when you stumble, wiping your tears when you cry and hopefully being stoopid and making you laugh.

S9

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Ophelia. we believe in you. you are doing so well. there may be triggers, but you don't have to respond to them.....remember that....

what are the feelings you're finding most trouble right now and what are the ones that you anticipate that might be most trouble?

what usually helps you to fight the urges?

we're right alongside you.

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Friday, 5/12. 34 days. We are only about 2 hrs into the day! I'm, like, shaking and banging on things and shit like that. Don't know what it would solve, but do I ever when it comes to cutting? I just... feel.... like... like it has to be done. Shaking and crying. I am a mess. I know that I always leave so much stuff out when I write which makes it really hard for anyone to know what it really really going on.... there is a little on the PTSD and PD boards but that's not even half of it. It is all going down... And there is nothing I can do about it. I feel so weak. Crying, shaking, moving, banging things... it isn't helping me that much and not for long..... I suck

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Friday, 5/12. 34 days. We are only about 2 hrs into the day! I'm, like, shaking and banging on things and shit like that. Don't know what it would solve, but do I ever when it comes to cutting? I just... feel.... like... like it has to be done. Shaking and crying. I am a mess. I know that I always leave so much stuff out when I write which makes it really hard for anyone to know what it really really going on.... there is a little on the PTSD and PD boards but that's not even half of it. It is all going down... And there is nothing I can do about it. I feel so weak. Crying, shaking, moving, banging things... it isn't helping me that much and not for long..... I suck

i've thought that a lot lately... doing a lot of looking back, wondering if cutting ever made me feel any better. if it ever actually did what i thought it would do. release emotions, pull me back into my body, ease the emotional pain. and, i really don't know.

i think there are things that are worse to do to your body than cutting (depending upon how you cut)...

my tdoc once said to me that after treating hundreds of borderlines he'd never come to understand why we cut. (i foun his admission of not understanding this somehow very comforting, to see his fallibility, but that's a side issue.) i wrote him an essay explaining it. i thought it would explain things, to him, to me. (sadly i've lost it, i should ask him for a copy.) he later said all his patients had answers, but he still didn't understand. and i think, maybe that there isn't an answer, a reason, a way for anyone to understand, not really. it' i s a desire, a need, a pull, that we fight. that i still fight. but it's not something that has a reason, that can be understood. i digress, sorry.

try to look at these 34 days as proof that you aren't weak. that's over a month. that's strength and will. the world around you is chaos and is understandably wearing you down. no person could be where you are and be unaffected. but look at what you are doing through all of it. you haven't cut. that is strength. YOU ARE STRONG. crying is strong. not cutting is strong. living is strong.

i'm having odd urges to quote to you from buffy that i shall squelch.

know that i'm here. you can call or PM or IM or anything. i wish i could come in there on a zip roap dressed in a cat suit and kick some assholes' asses. know that i'm doing that in my thoughts. and that my thoughts for you and about you are filled with love and hope.

you're strong. you've endured far more than your share and you're still here. that is strength. doubt other things ,but please, try to remember that you are strong.

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try to look at these 34 days as proof that you aren't weak. that's over a month. that's strength and will. the world around you is chaos and is understandably wearing you down. no person could be where you are and be unaffected. but look at what you are doing through all of it. you haven't cut. that is strength. YOU ARE STRONG. crying is strong. not cutting is strong. living is strong.

i'm having odd urges to quote to you from buffy that i shall squelch.

know that i'm here. you can call or PM or IM or anything. i wish i could come in there on a zip roap dressed in a cat suit and kick some assholes' asses. know that i'm doing that in my thoughts. and that my thoughts for you and about you are filled with love and hope.

you're strong. you've endured far more than your share and you're still here. that is strength. doubt other things ,but please, try to remember that you are strong.

...but i'm not strong. every day has brought up a new obstacle, more hell, more... everything. And through it all, through the emotional turmoil I was in before some of this lovely shit went down to now... well I can't fuction to do my work for my final projects or study for my finals. So now, even on top of the other stuff, I have feelings of being even more of a failure than I normally feel like and major feelings of guilt. No matter what I do, I just can't work... One of my teachers, who apparently thinks I am intelligent, noticed that there was something wrong (he obviously does not know the extent and all of the lovely details) and is offering to give me an Incomplete for the semester so I wont have to take the final on Monday. I think something might has also gone off when I just recently got a D on my huge research paper when I am obviously normally not a D student. That paper represents around 30 or 40 percent of my final grade in the class. I might get to do something about that too, I don't know.

More develops everyday!!!! I am just so fucking worthless and stupid. I am a failure and I don't know what else to do with myself and I don't know how I am going to survive another week here without.... you know. I have a one track mind at the moment and I can't help it... I am so horrible...

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But things are changing--a teacher is giving you an avenue to get thru this without hurting your record. If it helps, why not take the Incomplete and take some of the pressure off?

I know all this is about more than synapses, and the only major issue I have at this moment is fooking sitting here typing when I should be packing my bags and doing a translation project and sleeping so I can get up in...5 hours---BUT! Isn't there something about brain synapses, where if you continue to do something, the pathway becomes that much more entrenched, whereas if you DON'T do something, the pathway becomes less so, and you turn to that behavior less?

I don't know anything, so feel free to ignore my rambling, but is there some way you could convince yourself (or we could convince you) that cutting isn't going to help? Is there some other behavior you could replace it with?

Like, perhaps you would feel some relief or adrenaline or something if you cut. But then the ensuing guilt, the feeling (echoed above) that you are a failure would be stronger, no?

Can you just keep typing here, to keep your mind and hands off the idea?

lily

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Hello!!

Ophelia, I think you should take the "Incomplete" assessment for the semester if he is offering it. It sounds like really aren't focused on studying at the moment, which is completely understandable, and if you think it is the best choice then take it. Personally, if it was me I would. Could you take the final at a later date? Can you re-do the paper? I hope you can.

You been an intelligent student is just one perfect example of why you are not a failure or worthless. I know every day can seem like hell, I go through it myself, I have so many obstacles I have to get through every day too, but don't blame yourself. You're not stupid and this isn't your fault if there was anything wrong, which there isn't because "wrong" is completely the wrong description of what is happening. Why do you think you are horrible? You sound like such a caring, compassionate person. If anyone is horrible, it certainly is not you at all. There are so many evil, sick people in this world and you are not in that category by a long way.

Take care!! Let me know how you are feeling soon please

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1. take the teacher up on the incomplete.

2. is this teacher someone you can go to for advice, specifically how to go about getting extensions/imcompletes/etc so you have time to deal with this situation?

3. find cutting substitutes. snap a hair band (they hurt more than rubber bands), hold an ice cube, stick your face in a sink of ice, find something that's not as severe that will give you some relief so you don't do the *big one*. find something that shocks your body/gets some endorphins flowing, to tide you over without having to do damage.

good luck

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ophelia

fwiw, grades aren't everything. they're a bip on the radar of life. even if we're talking graduate school, i got into a good law school (on a full scholarship) and an even better phd program and i have a flat out D on my undergrad grades. i was pissed because it pulled me down to just cum laude... but yanno what? graduate programs did not care. at all. there's this nifty spot on graduate applications where they let you explain anything abnormal in your academic record. almost everyone has an off semester. you are you, you are not your grades. this holds true in school and in life. i know that as an overachiever getting bad grades feels like the ulimate failure. i've been in the 'well, i hate myself but at least my grades are good' spot a million times, but sometimes things happen that are beyond your control. and the world knows this. you didn't ask for the things that happend this semester to happen, but they did. focus on figuring out how you can get the healing you need done over the summer so that you can return in the fall without this pain and fear. tell your professors the truth. take incompletes, ask if you can redo your final projects later. but right now, school is not the most important thing in the world. your health is what is important. and your professors know this. they really do, they don't expect students to act like school is the front lines of a war and just keep going. i promise.

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you are you, you are not your grades. this holds true in school and in life. i know that as an overachiever getting bad grades feels like the ulimate failure. i've been in the 'well, i hate myself but at least my grades are good' spot a million times, but sometimes things happen that are beyond your control. and the world knows this.

penny, i so needed to see this. the whole paragraph indeed. i've had incompletes for two years. i still know i can do it when i can do it. i have had to get used to seeing the less than stellar grades as just that, grades, and not really more than that. like a measure of my worth. or a measure of my decline. or whatever - believing that the world knows this, isn't something i've gotten a hold of yet.

Ophelia, my disability office is the only way i've been able to really navigate all the stuff that i'm able to make happen with school - extensions wise. i still have to push them for more, in the way of accommodations, but not when i'm really unstable. these times are for struggling with health, not struggling with school. sometimes i think it's possible to do both, with accommodations, but when it gets down to the trenches (i was there when i tried to go back last fall), no. sorry school, but no.

~~~~~~

is the need to do it getting worse? easing? changing? sometimes i feel weak, but sometimes i feel more like my strength is a little less. these are different things, in my experience. just like how my thoughts about not wanting to, and how i deserve to stay free of SI, is different from the thinking that i do around wanting to, and deserving to, or being in so much pain to, etc. knowing which place i'm in helps me sometimes.

it's not been easy for me to read/access the SI board lately, and yet i think of you, and i think of the others too, and how much strength it takes when really needing support to actually come here. like being terrified of a crowd of people and needing to rush through to use the bathroom at the other end of the room. sometimes we're stronger than we know/feel.

pj

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