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In a tough place


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Well. I'm a wreck. I can still function and keep it together during the day. It's a bumpy ride, but it gets to its destination.

By night though, it's work just to breathe. The effort of not crying all day dissolves and I cry at the drop of a hat. Anyone's hat. Anywhere.

Most of my bipolar is depressive, not manic. I know depression. I had a fear once that depression was just my "natural" state, it was the mania that was really the only problem.

This depression is something else. I'm used to depression that sleeps, that loafs, that sucks the life force from everything around it. Not depression that keeps me awake day and night, never lets me finish a thought, has me speculating on the intentions of everyone I meet.

I'm paranoid. I don't usually stray too much from my usual ambient paranoia. I am not so paranoid that I can't tell that I'm paranoid, but I have just crossed that fine little line where I have begun to have scary doubts about whether it IS really paranoia at all.

I'm afraid. I can't end up in the hospital again. I have irrational fears of what tdoc or pdoc would do or say if I spilled my guts about it all- part of the paranoia. So much crap has been going on. It would be a toss up about what triggered this but believe me, you could take your pick. It's not getting better. I'm afraid it will get worse. Part of me knows it will if nothing is done about it. I wonder what "worse" would look like, and I already know.

It's work just to write this. And even this isn't everything. Paranoia, paranoia. Not used to it. It's as though all the stress recently has just made something *snap*.

I have an appointment with tdoc on Friday but not another one with pdoc for 2 months. I'm trying to hold it together till then. I think I can. She works with pdoc so if she thinks there's a real problem, I will have much easier and faster access to him or someone else in the clinic than if I leave messages with the nurses that he either never gets or always ignores.

When I get there, I don't know what to say. What do I say? Am I even depressed, really? How do you say "I don't know, just help me?"

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Sorry to hear that you are in so much pain.

I can relate.

But I can also say that it always passes, even though it does not feel like it will at the time.

What's your med situation? Can you get an AD tweaked sooner to avoid slipping too far into the abyss?

Keep posting....we know what you are going through and it is HELL, but you don't have to go it alone.

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