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Therapy this afternoon.....another part of me was there for most of the session...partly the teenage depressed anorexic part....but she wasn't in my body..she was in my mother's...I was emotionally trapped in my mother's body....and it was hell there.....so trapped and....emotionally stuck and....

...its kind of vulnerable just now....

I am glad to be back in my own body......

I need some support in articulating and explaining what this is for me.....and how it relates to my anorexic tendencies....

My therapist talked a lot about my hunger for life and contact and warmth...and I myself said I want so much.... *sigh* but when the teenage/self destructive part gets in there is no way in for anyone, though I'm desperate to be found.

I was really in a body dsymorphic state..never been there quite so consciously before...I have lots to think about how I felt relates to my mother and I's relationship...I did explore how for my mum any talent of mine was more than she could do, and therefore not from her side of the family.."I don't know where you get it from!" (as in my creativity, ability to draw and write creatively.....but, as my therapist pointed out, my mum is creative in a different way..she's a teacher, and she knits.....) and so made me feel like I didn't belong as I wasn't exactly like her....she resisting healthy separation...and indicatiive of her own (undiagnosed, and likely of a mild type?) depression...

So many threads to untangle...I keep using the image of many balls of wool tangled up together and needing careful and patient untangling......

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