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Way way triggered and scared


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something happened in front of me a few days ago that seems to have been a major trigger for me. i guess it really reminded me of how unsafe i felt as a kid-all i want to do is appease people involved so i don't have to feel scared anymore. but there is nothing i can do. and i can't stop feeling so scared- even though rationally i know i am far away and safe.

i feel like there is a tornado swirling around and around and around at full force level 5 inside me. i've taken every single possible prn and i still feel it. i feel like crying ifeel like puking i feel like hiding under the house.

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Hi mrsloony,

I can really relate to that last bit you wrote - it's a horrible feeling. The best thing you can do is to just be gentle with yourself: watch some silly, meaningless television, or read a fluffy novel - basically anything that focuses your attention outwards. You need a "safe" distraction until the feeling passes - because it will pass, it just takes a little time.

Take care ;)

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I'm sorry that you've been triggered. Try the best you can to feel safe. I used to take a book and a blanket in the bathroom with me and lock the door. Being in the small space seemed manageable and the blanket let me lay down quietly and in comfort while I read the book.

I hope things pick up for you soon

Lilie

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So sorry. You need to pamper that girl inside you that was hurt. Make your favorite beverage, snuggle up with a soft blanket, watch a favorite movie, etc. It will pass, you just need to take extra special care of yourself in the meantime.

I hope you feel better soon.

Croix

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thanks everyone- i appreciate the comforting words.

i guess because so much of the fear comes from emotional abuse/manipulation- even the phone makes me feel as vulnerable as if i were in the room with it. i keep trying to tell myself that i am far away. iam safe, noone can hurt me ( though i'm afraid they still can over the phone), so i stay online for hrs so my phone can't ring. (old fashioned i know- but right now its working for me) i feel kind of ridicuous that i can't shake this awful feeling even when i know there isn't a threat. there might as well be the way my automatic responses take over my life. i feel like i've spent too many hours feeling like i can't breath. ( i know i am - just feels that way) i don't know maybe its time to drug up again.(prn's)

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(((((mrsloony))))))

not ridiculous....sometimes we have to do what we have to do to protect ourselves.

sometimes I just don't answer the phone...leave it to my flatmates.....and I used to have a nifty caller display unit so I could filter my calls.

can you turn the ringer off and set the answerphone on and then you can deal with responses you need to make when you're feeling stronger?

I know pretty much where you're coming from....PTSD is like that...it takes time to rewire your mind safely from when its been permanantly switched on 'alarm'.....

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and just when you think you've hit the snooze button for long enough: aackk- that alarm goes off again. this is a nasty little sucker this ptsd. i mean i know this week is pretty obvious wiht the big trigger and all, but it sneaks up pn me in ways everyday......

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Mrs. L.,

You're in the right place...the PTSD board is a safe, safe, place. Some of us have been recovering for a long time from PTSD and others are new to the journey. Where evere you are on your path, some one here can relate to what's happening in your life right NOW.

Stick around. Sometimes I've been glued to CB for all my waking hours. For weeks on end. Because it gives me the connection I need to rid myself of the "I wanna die" feelings.

Take good care, you ARE among friends.

Hug if ya want one,

S9

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thanks s9- i can never have enough hugs- thanks. i

was hoping it would be better today- i've made it through the first few hrs of being awake without any prn's but i think the time is fast approaching. i feel all of a sudden like an addict- like i can't get through the day without the prn's. i've also blown my diet to hell- and i'd been doing so well. now i just feel so emotional- fuck it i don't care- i'll eat whatever. i don't know how to find comfort. i;m feeling so sensitive again like i used to- like i'll just flip out if someone looks at me sideways.

ok drugs here i come. maybe ijust need to sleep a few days away or something.

i'm sure i'll come back here later.

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Hi ML:

I too have been where you are. The suggestion of down time is an excellent one. Rest and restoring your body will really help with those feelings. And don't beat yourself up about comfort food, I have been "comforting" myself for months. ;)

A suggestion you might think about. PTSD will hang with you until you "therapy your way out". I have done EMDR for several issues including PTSD. What is so cool about EMDR is that you are a witness to the situations that got you here. You don't experience them. It is very empowering and works very well. I have felt really free of the thing that had me tied in knots since doing EMDR. And it's mindless. You don't say to yourself "oh yeah, I did EMDR, I don't do this anymore." It is just built in. :) How cool is that?

In the meantime, just take care of you and make you the #1 priority. That will be the best way to calm yourself. And don't go under the house!

Breeze

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out from under the covers ( don't worry not under the house).

i've had a tiny bit of emdr- but the problem for me was that it felt like it created these really severe flashbacks. i've heard that it can be so helpful for ptsd, but once again- something so helpful i can't get it to work for me. i was so paralysed by fear that we gave up trying.

how do you manage the witnessing , without going there?

i'd like to try again if it won't be so terrifying this time. any tips?

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mrsloony. what helps me most with the PTSD flashbacks and such is getting in touch with what's around me, and feeling into my body, and coming back to safety. I wish I could explain it better....My therapist is awesome at guiding me through.....

I recommend "The Body Remembers" (and The Body Remembers Casebook) by Babette Rothschild. Its all about safe trauma therapy, and developing a safe haven.

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how do you manage the witnessing , without going there?

i'd like to try again if it won't be so terrifying this time. any tips?

My therapist is really good. We established a "safe place" before we started. We also established an image of the PTSD incident. So I had those to go on. If things got intense, I had a safe place "to go".

My therapist uses music, which I like. She reminds me constantly that I am only the witness and to let the images come up and just be "curious" about them. No emotional attachment. I found that I was like Scrooge in "A Christmas Carol" and could observe myself in these situations. Sometimes I was in my body and a lot of times I wasn't. By that I mean, I saw me from a distance.

It is very important that you view the scenes around the issue. For example. My mother forged my name on a house I sold so that she could pay a debt. I was devastated and never saw it coming. It has plagued me for years. During EMDR, I saw this from her side, and realized that what she did, she did out of desperation. It had nothing to do with me. I worked very hard to get a good deal for us when I sold this house. To me it was a slap in the face. But through EMDR, I saw her for who she really was, and I no longer feel that way.

I replaced the "I need to see everything coming" with "I trust that what I do is good and I have no control over others and their actions" - I am actually ok with this new belief, and wear it well. :) My mother's hold on me is less strong too. She was desperate.

And she never got any money either. ;)

That is a very benign example compared to some PTSD issues. But to me, having a therapist who is in control, knows how to guide you, and talks you through the process before you start is essential.

Breeze

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thanks breeze. the music sounds like a nice addition.

the problem i've had for so long- over the years i've done all sorts of stress management, mind/body, relaxation etc from classes to therapy to books.

i guess the nature of the trauma has made it so that i can't even find a safe place in my head. so much for me is that there IS NO safe place. the world is so dangerous to me that it can get to me anywhere and everywhere = there is no escape and no guarantreed safety. THIS SUCKS!!!!

this feels so incredibley discouraging- its been so many years of trying to manage this.

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