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Hello!!

I felt sh*t last night and I ended up making four cuts on my forearm at about 12:45am. One of them was easily as wide as any other cuts I've ever made (1/2 cm?), and it had barely stopped bleeding after 45 minutes, so I decided to go to the A&E at the hospital after a lot of persuasion from someone. I couldn't trust myself not to cut again which scared me. I had to sneak out and call a taxi from a payphone, but I got there at about 2:45am. I went straight-through and a nurse wrapped a bandage around it and asked me if I wanted to talk to her about anything, which I didn't. I didn't realise the wait was 2 1/2 hours, so after 1 1/2 hours sitting in a cubicle I felt like a nuisance to A&E and that they had put me to the bottom of the pile due to dislike. I've read so many horrible stories about what staff do and their opinions. I discharged myself, but I got outside and realised I couldn't go home and if I could and did I would hurt myself, so I retracted my discharge and went back into the cubicles to wait another 2 1/2 hours (bottom of the list again).

Anyway, when the doctor came to see me, he just wanted me to say what was wrong in five minutes and get it over with so simply and feel better. I couldn't get more than four sentences out!! It was like every single day, where I have to say everything straight away rushed or someone interrupts me!! I got the feeling he wasn't too serious about things. He kept asking me all these questions (and pushing the issue of if anyone knew or not), filled in a form, and I felt like such a jackass. He wanted to book me ASAP with their psychiatric/psychological wards, but there was no bookings available and I said that I'm speaking to a counsellor Monday, which he accepted after a while. At least I had a little practice at expressing feelings. A nurse came at one point, took me away, and pinned the cut together with some elastic-like tape and a bandage. She didn't seem too happy with anything/me. Neither did any of the nurses. Last night feels like I was drunk. Everything feels blurred, like it was something I wasn't in control of, I don't really remember and was surreal. I feel so exposed today. It feels like half of Europe has seen me naked close-up on TV and laughed. It's such a horrible feeling and it seems like it will be like this the day after every time I see the counsellor.

I didn't like A&E. This was my first experience of it and it's not likely I'll go back in future. The scar will not be as great as the other cuts of the same size, which is a bonus, but it just seemed so...... eugh! It was nice knowing someone knew/cared though, even if only a little.

Anywho, this was my first experience of A&E and is... er... actually a really, really boring read. eep!

Was it like this for anyone else at A&E?

I'm not trying to critise the staff, they do a good job at the hospital under a lot of pressure, but this is just how I feel. I just wanted to tell someone, get it off my chest, although I'm kinda hogging this board posting so much. Anywho....

Thanks.

:embarassed: :embarassed: :embarassed:

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Oh Easy, I'm so sorry you had such a bad experience at the hospital. You'd think they'd learn by now to handle SI with care and compassion. You didn't mention whether you were on any meds or not, but it sounds like you need to be. I can't believe they couldn't at least get someone to talk to you and make sure you were safe before you left. Poor poor care imo. But I am proud of you that you decided to go back when you realized you wouldn't be safe if you left.

I hope your visit goes well with the counselor. You might feel a little raw after it, I know I usually do. But it passes. Does your counselor have an emergency number so you can call if you get in this situation again? That would be my first choice of options. Before you cut. Any friends/family that knows about what's going on with you that you can call? Someone to come sit with you when you get overwhelmed and feel like cutting? It's best to talk to someone who's concerned about your well-being and can help you to be safe.

We're always here. Come into chat, interrupt our bullshit ramblings and say "hey, I really feel like cutting and need to talk" People do it all the time. You'll get ton of compassion and validation and distraction.

Good luck with the counselor, check out your med options, and mostly be safe.

Croix

Ps, don't apologize for your posts. You need to post, so do it. Don't feel guilty about it. Really there are more post whores here than you can shake a stick at ;)

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Easy,

Good on you for going to emergency. Sorry you had to wait so long, but you did the right thing.

Better to get your wound clean and dressed than to have it bleed out and get infected. And even though they weren't able to get you a spot in psych, at least the nurse was available to talk to you, and the doctor did talk with you and checked on beds, and made sure that you had a psych appointment Monday. Finally, it did help you make it through the night without hurting yourself further.

Most of us don't understand why we SI, so remember that for those around us it is doubly hard. They don't understand and feel totally helpless when dealing with those who do, even when they are medical professionals.

Try not to get stressed, call a friend or relative who can be with you.

What channel did you say you were on? ;)

a.m.

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Hello!!

Thanks Croix and AirMarshall!! *smiles inside*

I feel a little bit better right now, but I still don't like it. Maybe all that I said was just my interpretation of what happened, but I still will probably never go back there. It's only one cut of so many that will heal right, but at least it's one more than otherwise. For the rest I've just let them form scabs and heal, which has worked out well besides bigger scars.

My family doesn't know and I don't want them to ever find out, but one day they will do. I know my selfishness will just crush them and make them feel like failures. I don't have any friends, so that's out of the window LOL! I don't know about any medication. I'll have to wait and see. I don't really want them to be honest, but I'll try anything that might stop me cutting. Everything has failed so far.

The counsellor is just phoning me for the first time Monday. I guess we'll arrange something for a day which will probably be a week on Monday/Tuesday. I'd prefer it was sooner though.

Does anyone have any advice for speaking to a counsellor? I know it's doubly hard for anyone to understand me especially as I'm bad at opening my titanium shell at saying what I feel, but I will still find it sad/frustrating. I just know I won't be able to open up to her and I'm scared she may act similar to those at A&E.

I have tried to come into chat, but I can't get it to work. I tried the hyperlink to the webpage and it wouldn't load. I then downloaded mIRC and installed it, but it won't connect to any of the servers. I would love to come into chat and I wish it would work :cussing: Are there any other options I could use to try and connect to the chat? If anyone has any info please let me know. I would appreciate it a lot. I find talking to people who have similar problems the best distraction for me.

Thanks for all your support both of you!!!!!

Take care of yourselves

P.S. "What channel did you say you were on?" - :):wtf:;)

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Ok,

Don't give up on yourself, or quitting SI, or on our sometimes annoying irc chat. ;)

Put a post in the Chat forum with what you've done and what the problem seems to be with both the chat programs.

I'm not a chat guru but we've got several who can get you hooked up.

Cheers,

a.m.

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Oh honey, I'm so sorry! Well done for taking yourself to the hospital, I'm so sorry that they treated you like that. I saw you said you're going to see the counsellor on monday - do it, it can't be as bad as you might imagine. I've got to go out tonight, but I'll be on messenger tomorrow, so we can talk if you want to.

Take care angel, remember that there are people around who care about you!! xxx

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