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Maddy

Bipolar Psychosis In Mania/mixed Vs Hypomania

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I am confused about what delusions are. I think I have delusions often...but I mostly keep them to myself- like I have a secret mission or an identity/destiny that means I have important things to carry out.

I can identify with this. I hide most my delusions and what you described sound like delusions. They give me missions of sorts to carry out, a true reason for living, but I am reticent to share anything because I am afraid people won't believe me and take it all away. I'm very good at hiding my internal world all the way until symptoms start to turn mixed and bubble over, spilling into every facet of my life. It can be months before anyone realises I am both hallucinating and delusional because I am intensely introverted and spend most my time alone in my studio anyway. 

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I am confused about what delusions are. I think I have delusions often...but I mostly keep them to myself- like I have a secret mission or an identity/destiny that means I have important things to carry out.

but I am reticent to share anything because I am afraid people won't believe me and take it all away. 

Exactly. I try sometimes to tell my therapist when I am in a bad place....but my tongue is tied to actually coming out entirely about what I am thinking/believing....its so sacred to me and letting someone take it away seems like a self-betrayal.

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Exactly. I try sometimes to tell my therapist when I am in a bad place....but my tongue is tied to actually coming out entirely about what I am thinking/believing....its so sacred to me and letting someone take it away seems like a self-betrayal.

Tongue tied is right! It feels physically impossible to bring up certain things that might expose the delusion.

Edited by saintalto

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Exactly. I try sometimes to tell my therapist when I am in a bad place....but my tongue is tied to actually coming out entirely about what I am thinking/believing....its so sacred to me and letting someone take it away seems like a self-betrayal.

Tongue tied is right! It feels physically impossible to bring up certain things that might expose the delusion.

Yes! Wow, good to know someone else experiences this. I literally could not divulge certain things even at gunpoint. I probably would induce amnesia to prevent mind reading or hypnosis from occurring.

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A lot of this rings true for me as well.

I've experienced multiple delusions about a few different things and it's difficult to communicate, even to my therapist. I don't bring it up to anyone close to me because it freaks them out...and it freaks me out to hear myself talk about it...when I've acknowledged them I get scared because it's these times that really make me feel insane.

I typically just tuck those little secrets away and try not to visit them very often. I had one therapist, years ago, tell me I wasn't hearing voices or having delusions...that I was making it up or just mistaken and that if I insisted on believing it, there wasn't much he could do for me. 

I didn't appreciate that very much and it put me off on getting medical help for a long time.

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I found this post very helpful to me. Thanks for putting it on here. I'm still trying to learn about all this even though I was diagnosed with BP a long time so, I was in denial of it and am just now trying to do something about.

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Are the catatonia/etc things listed in the first thread psychotic symptoms? Cuz we get that a whole lot in depressive/mixed episodes.

In terms of delusions um. We've never thought we've actually had these symptoms but I can totally think of one recent incident and that's kinda. Idk. Scary? We.. Were like "argh is this psychosis no we're just being stupid in our head".

But anyway basically in a 'staring at the wall for hours at a time not really moving" Tri became convinced for a while (like, half-to-an-hour) that this flower on partner's curtains had some deep spiritual significance, that there was some.. Deeper meaning in it, deep symbolism, that if he just stared and stared would.. Come out somehow, come into focus. It was just one of many identical flowers on the curtains. But. After.. We never really thought of it as a delusion and now that we think we might be bipolar and looking into this stuff um. Does that sound familiar?

Whisper

EDIT: Also, hallucinating the sound of flies buzzing all around us while suicidal, leading to running in fear through the woods from being 'chased' by them on one occasion. (Hallucination itself happened twice, second time we were more 'meh' about it).

The TL;DR of this is "Holyfuck we have a lot of processing to do about what our head does, stigmatized-labels we have past issues with applying to us, & what the fuck to tell/not-to-tell to various professionals"

Wynn

Edited by WinterTidings

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Hello, I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder type II, even though I have experienced visual hallucinations, auditory hallucinations and extreme paranoia. Lately the visual hallucinations have been slowly escalating (I used to see spiders I knew weren't real because they had more than 8 legs and they would always be away from me, so I would always breathe and tell myself - this isn't real. Today I saw an 8 legged spider on my pillow. I knew it wasn't real but it's starting to scare me because I might start confusing what's real and what's not soon). Sorry if this sounds silly, I'm just scared and don't have anyone to confide in.

 

I take:

Effexor 75mg

Topamax 100mg

Synthroid 50mcg

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1 minute ago, bpandotherds said:

Hello, I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder type II, even though I have experienced visual hallucinations, auditory hallucinations and extreme paranoia. Lately the visual hallucinations have been slowly escalating (I used to see spiders I knew weren't real because they had more than 8 legs and they would always be away from me, so I would always breathe and tell myself - this isn't real. Today I saw an 8 legged spider on my pillow. I knew it wasn't real but it's starting to scare me because I might start confusing what's real and what's not soon). Sorry if this sounds silly, I'm just scared and don't have anyone to confide in.

 

I take:

Effexor 75mg

Topamax 100mg

Synthroid 50mcg

That doesn't sound silly at all.  It's perfectly understandable that you'd be scared and confused (potentially?).  Most importantly I think, it looks like you don't have an antipsychotic on board--do you know why?  I'm not a pdoc, but I'd be concerned that you're having these sorts of symptoms without something that medication wise is supposed to handle them. 

To the degree you can, I'd try to keep telling yourself that it's not real.  Also, do you have anyone else around who you could reality-check with?  It's harder if not, but if you have someone you can ask, that might help temporarily with keeping your thoughts grounded in reality. 

I can understand how it gets scary now that you don't have the obvious clues that it's not real (i.e. more than 8 legs).  I'm currently trying to accept that I experienced a combo of auditory and possibly visual hallucinations and it frightens the living daylights out of me also, for reasons I can't quite articulate.  Fortunately, they seem to be leaving now...but I still can't get past questioning whether I experienced them or not because they're just barely within the realm of possibility to be hard to let go of. 

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7 minutes ago, dancesintherain said:

That doesn't sound silly at all.  It's perfectly understandable that you'd be scared and confused (potentially?).  Most importantly I think, it looks like you don't have an antipsychotic on board--do you know why?  I'm not a pdoc, but I'd be concerned that you're having these sorts of symptoms without something that medication wise is supposed to handle them. 

To the degree you can, I'd try to keep telling yourself that it's not real.  Also, do you have anyone else around who you could reality-check with?  It's harder if not, but if you have someone you can ask, that might help temporarily with keeping your thoughts grounded in reality. 

I can understand how it gets scary now that you don't have the obvious clues that it's not real (i.e. more than 8 legs).  I'm currently trying to accept that I experienced a combo of auditory and possibly visual hallucinations and it frightens the living daylights out of me also, for reasons I can't quite articulate.  Fortunately, they seem to be leaving now...but I still can't get past questioning whether I experienced them or not because they're just barely within the realm of possibility to be hard to let go of. 

Thank you so much for the quick answer! I was anxiously waiting by the laptop. About the meds, I don't know... I moved to a new town and haven't found a new doctor yet, I guess now is the time. I'll make an appointment asap and ask about the antipsychotic. I live with my mom and sister, I'll ask them for help! Thanks again :)

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Sure!  Yes, finding a doctor and getting an appointment ASAP would be high on the list of ideas.  I know that sucks a lot--particularly if you've got to track down a psychiatrist--but I'd hope that a general practitioner/primary care doctor could at least sign off on temporarily prescribing something b/c it would suck to live with that sort of symptoms for a while.  It seems at least worth trying to get them to go away. 

Having your mom and sister help out also sounds good...and hopefully someone else will chime in with some other ideas.  Those two (meds and reality-testing) are really just the main ones I know, as I'm new to understanding the world of coping w/ psychosis nonsense. 

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I was reading through this thread and found some interesting things...I never really talk to anyone about my...well, I don't know what to call them. Because are they really delusions if I don't really really really believe them?

They are like running stories or scripts in my mind and they are super complex and I'm part of them. They can involve mythological stories (from roman or greek mythology) or storylines/combinations of storylines from fave TV series or books...similar to a twisted AU fan fic, I guess, except i'm in them...and they are kinda real to me, in the sense that I will ask for help from these gods that I have a personal history with, or cry (extensively!) for these people that I miss but can never see again because of fate or some danger that means we need to be apart (obviously I do know ive never met them...in the sense that I will not go stalk them, I know they don't know me)...but the FEELINGS are so real, I would probably not cry like that for anything except if my own children died. I imagine things that I "feel" happening to them and it affects my moods, and I start crying in my car n the way to work. Heck, there are songs that mean stuff to me because of my "past life" with them and...well, you get the picture. I have "memories" (full on images) of things we've done. It's awful, because it makes me feel crazy. It is beautiful because sometimes it makes me feel special and less alone. It hurts because well...ok it just does because i'm nuts?

But- bottom line- I know it's not real-real. I do wish it would go away because it causes me a LOT of emotional distress. Sometimes I have to cry myself to sleep because of this...ugly cry. This is how I know that I am cray-cray...I am deeply embarrassed by this (and may or may not delete this post after).

It is more likely to happen in depressed state, too, or anxious depressed states.

WTF is this, in your opinion?

is it delusions? 

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Re: secret delusions - I wonder how many authors just don't pour it out there in socially acceptable forms.

I once saw a movie called "Cosmopolis" that featured that vampire actor as a big shot CEO who received various people in his limo -- his Chief Financial Officer, etc. until he received his Chief of Theory, this woman philosopher who said various abstract things that he was able to make pragmatic sense of. Then I read the novel it was based on, by Don deLilo hoping there would be more of that, but they used most of the dialogue for the film. Then I convinced myself that I was already reading so much postmodern philosophy, I might as well become a consulting philosopher -- a gnomic or vatic figure that deals in abstractions upon abstractions. Since like 2013 I have notebooks of occasional intense scribbling trying to find an abstract, philosophical sense to current events or even the style of soccer coaches. Recently I've become more confident that this stuff makes sense and started writing a blog about them using some political events as an excuse. It's out there, has a couple of regular subscribers in "internet friends" and gets anywhere between 10 and 50 views a week. I don't use my real name, I'm not confident enough to attach these wacko ideas to the persona that has to make money as a consulting economist. I know my writings about "Theory'" (I distinguish it from philosophy) have elements of delusions and thought disorders, sometimes it proceeds by puns (Lacan and Derrida are like this too) and have a grandiose element too. I use dozens of technical words of my own invention that have a very specific meaning and my texts are unreadable if you aren't used to it. It's inordinately complex and quite possibly worthless from a rational, pragmatic point of view. But it's my thing, the thing that grows out of my brain on its own. I listen to it when it comes out. Once in a blue moon, people appreciate it, too.

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25 minutes ago, xheimlich said:

Re: secret delusions - I wonder how many authors just don't pour it out there in socially acceptable forms. But it's my thing, the thing that grows out of my brain on its own. I listen to it when it comes out. Once in a blue moon, people appreciate it, too.

seems you have very unique point of view and expressive outlet. i'm intrigued to read some of your blog writings (if you feel at all inclined to share somewhere here)

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