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Life after Divorce-A New Mood Therapy


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So it has been a week now since I left my wife in Calif.

There is of course a great amount of rapid cycling going on here,

not due to anything but total destruction and redefining of my

life and the illusions I had of it and where it.. I thought.. would lead.

I was wise in planning for this day in getting the adoption of my

Kitty, Aikido, set for my return from CA,

but the mood swings in the day are fricking rediculous.. God help

you if you cut me off in traffic,, your a life it a goina end ..

or then I might just pull over and

look vacant and burn with the fury of the tears running down my

face.. and I never know which one it will be.

Not alone in this I am sure, but does it seem that you just

have that ;; special gift'';; of getting screwed over and over if

you are BP?? think I need a rethink on my mate selection platform.

... but the cat is ready for bed , and it is time to zone with

the tube...

I told you I blither.....

David

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I'm just in the beginning phase of my own divorce, so I'm right there where you're at. I think a lot of the mood swings etc right now are actually appropriate - this is a really shitty thing to be going through, and it's natural to be affected by depression, anxiety, rage etc etc, sometimes all at once. I guess it's just rather magnified b/c of our BP status.

As for feeling as though you keep getting screwed over, I don't really have an opinion on that. I don't blame my disease for every decision I've made (although I was definitely in the middle of a lovely mania when I got married - I can't even remember the details, other than that a quick civil ceremony seemed like a fabulous idea at the time)... I feel that to do that is in a way not accepting responsibility. Mate selection - lol - I only recently realised with horror that my soon-to-be-ex had more than a few characteristics of a boyfriend I had at university (another relationship with a nasty end). Pity it took me a while to realise that. I don't think that's BP, I think that's just our personalities seeking something and getting stuck in a trap.

Skittle

(welcome to the boards, btw)

Edited b/c I'm neurotic about my ex popping on to the boards and reading my posts.

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TV,

Getting divorced is one of the most traumatic things that one can go through. Strong emotions and self doubt are part of the course. Even people without MI are going to alternately angry and sad. So, throw that on top of a BP constitution and no matter how good you are on your meds, its going to give you a wild ride.

Go ahead and feel the emotions, just don't let them carry you over the top.

It'll get better.

a.m.

p.s. The cat still love you.

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HI

Thanks Skittles for your input,,

it is nice to get feedback from someone else in the same

'sinking boat' LOL.

I certainly don't blame my bp for getting into this one, just

dumb and desperate, she certainly had some great qualities

and we still communicate.. just when we were together could

never find the same frequency to communicate on..

Now maybe it is just me, but I am TOO DAMN SENSITIVE,

not necessarily a bp condition , but one I am very aware of now.

Going to try to adapt to a new philosophy that includes, 'what have

you done for me lately and will you be there when I need you' , the

being there for them I know take as a given and x's in the past have

seemed to verify that too.

It is hard when I have often a low esteem problem, not going all

puppy dog if someone shows interest in me;;; dumb;;; but true.

After 30ish years with bp, and starting off when hush you couldn't

even mention that you had a ((mental illness)) and Drs were back

in the -must be childhood issues- all in your head- mode,, I is still

hard for me to believe there isn't something I should/could have

done different, cuz this is the shits. Not that I am not happy with

where I am, just morn for what I was on my way to be.. and

what I have lost or f***ed up along the way..

So it is off to some grp therapy for me for a month or so, so I can

see what is up with me- irrespective of the bp - that I am doing.

.. and I know that the need for affirmation is going to be right up

there,, damn that is a childhood issue and I was 'trying to ' avoid

those,, again,, revisited.. still ... damn.........

I understand your neurosis,, paranoia to only exists cuz we're

under the limelight (sp?) LOL ;)

So covertly you can catch me on one of the IMs if I am about, and

according to my pwr bill , I must never shut this cmpter off, I use

it's radiant heat to heat the house :-))

Well, best with your situation , and thanks again for the feedback.

cheers

David

.. remember, somewhere it is said we are never given more than

we can handle. . as for making us stronger, hmm , maybe wiser

I hope..

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Thanks AM..

Appreciate the feedback!

yep, this situation always is a rollercoster, just if

you have bp,, it is a wilder ride, so I am 'bolting in'

and 'hanging on' ..

Sure glad I found this mboard, far better than others,

much more personable and real.. not so 'air eee'

ps. how do i get a cool o pic in the left marging with

my posts?? my entries are soooo bland ;)

thanks again

David

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ps. how do i get a cool o pic in the left marging with

my posts?? my entries are soooo bland ;)

thanks again

David

Go to "My controls" at the top of the page on the right, then "Edit Avatar Settings" and you can add an avatar. :)

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Guest FrannyNZooey

I had terrible losses, close tragic family deaths, but hell divorce threw me to the big deep hole.

It is a death, of that life, that love, that future together.

That is alot to lose.

Take it very easy on self, and do all you can to take care of self, like kitty adoption.

And posting, journaling, venting here.

Take care,

Aly

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Hi,

Im in the middle of a divorce, too. It sucks ass - mostly because this was not my decision.

I was talking with my pdoc last week and i told him the depression side of my BP is definitely stronger right now. and pdoc asked "do you know anyone in a divorce who is not depressed?" I had never thought of it that way as no one close to me has ever been divorced.

well actually my grandma did when she was really young cuz the husband ended up being a pedophile - this was in the 1940's. so she wanted out as soon as possible.

but i dont know anyone in my situation who was literally "dumped" from the marriage.

it sucks,

december

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Hi Brig,

Ya it sucks, and I agree, no one avoids depression when divorce happens

- one dumpy to another -

but us BPs get 'dumped' from so much in society, - friends etc, I think

it really takes a toll on us..

So you have my deepest sympathies and understanding,

.. they say we are better off, if the marriage ain't going to work

than being living in a falsehood...

I think they are right,, just doesn't make it any easier..

take care,

talk about it , don't hold it in,, and

yes , the tears do help.. ask my pillow.

don't waste ur energy on feeling anger toward the guy,

it can suck you dry..

all the best

David

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Guest FrannyNZooey

Hi,

Im in the middle of a divorce, too. It sucks ass - mostly because this was not my decision.

I was talking with my pdoc last week and i told him the depression side of my BP is definitely stronger right now. and pdoc asked "do you know anyone in a divorce who is not depressed?" I had never thought of it that way as no one close to me has ever been divorced.

well actually my grandma did when she was really young cuz the husband ended up being a pedophile - this was in the 1940's. so she wanted out as soon as possible.

but i dont know anyone in my situation who was literally "dumped" from the marriage.

it sucks,

december

DB~ I too was literally dumped with Hefty bags in the driveway, locks, security code all changed to all doors alarm sytems, garage door etc.

Yep, i was dumped da dumped!

It hurts like hell.

And sadly will never be a fond memory, friendship, hell no.

Aly

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Hi David

Sorry to respond late - been out of town on business. Just today got a letter from my lawyer - things are starting to move along there. Feel like I've been kicked in the gut - why is this so damn hard? Wishing we could just switch off all emotions and deal with this stuff cold-heartedly. Not going to happen, right?

they say we are better off, if the marriage ain't going to work

than being living in a falsehood...

I think they are right,, just doesn't make it any easier..

You're right on both counts. Not healthy to stay in a sick relationship, but still wrenching and painful to watch it crumble. (or shatter - more appropriate word in my case) As Aly said, it's a death of a life and love together.

Going to try to adapt to a new philosophy that includes, 'what have

you done for me lately and will you be there when I need you' .

I understand this so well. At the end it became all about him and his need for me buy into all his crazy ideas and dreams.

I is still

hard for me to believe there isn't something I should/could have

done different, cuz this is the shits.

Understand this too. My ex blames me for so much and twists and manipulates everything I say. I know this, but I've still taken all the blame on board and feel shitty about myself. On the occasions I did stand up for myself or question what was going on he threatened suicide - his favourite little bit of emotional abuse. I don't know what I could have done differently, but I still wonder where the hell everything went so wrong. I think ours was a very sick relationship from the start.

Let me know how the group therapy goes - is it for BP/divorced people/generally crazy people? ;)

And take care of yourself too

Skittle

(edited for same reasons as last time) (I'm hopeless - thinking I should just change my username)

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aly::??

so so sorry to hear

Well obviously the dude is a gutless wonder to do

it that way.

probably illegal too, depending where you are.

Acts such as this demonstrate that that party really

can't deal with himself and is insecure in being able

to stand up and say why and make fair arrangements

about separation.. again a gutless wonder.

I hope you were able to find somewhere safe and

'warm' to get you over the hump..

bitter , ofcourse,, makes sense to me..

My wife was all we want to stay friends, communicate

and support each other in our new lifes apart: :cussing:

That lastest about a week :)

After the week the emails, well mine were bounced back,

and ***SURPRIZE*** she quit writing..

so much for honesty,,

if she didn't want to keep in contact :: cool::

but the month I let her stay to make xtra $$

it was allllll,, want to stay friends,, value you as a friend,,

will always keep in touch.... yada yada yada...

keep your chin up, we are not all like that ya know,

all the best

be well

David

sorry bout the repeats ,, 80+ects n all , ;)

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Yo Skittle,,

neeto the way you do the quotes,

luv to try this..

Sorry to respond late - been out of town on business. Just today got a letter from my lawyer - things are starting to move along there. Feel like I've been kicked in the gut - why is this so damn hard? Wishing we could just switch off all emotions and deal with this stuff cold-heartedly. Not going to happen, right?

[/quote name='Skittle' date='May 19 2006, 04:04 AM' post='155476']

It hurts cuz you have feelings, one of the traits of most BP,, we ain't cold like some!

and no , we can't turn it off, and though it hurts,,, would you want to become--

one of ''''them'''

Sometimes death of a relationship, although it hurts.. is the 'kindest ' way to go..

well I try to feed myself that,, don't always work though.......

On the occasions I did stand up for myself or question what was going on he threatened suicide - his favourite little bit of emotional abuse. I don't know what I could have done differently, but I still wonder where the hell everything went so wrong. I think ours was a very sick relationship from the start.[\quote]

oh yes,, the threat,, now how the hell can you be expected to live like that???

sick, yes ,, very sick....

Let me know how the group therapy goes - is it for BP/divorced people/generally crazy people? :) [\quote]

It is basically a bag of mixed 'nuts' , however I have a feeling I would be the 'nuttiest' cuz of all my practice and the number of years I have been playing with this BP and all the lovely things that go with..

Mostly though, it is for patients that have just been released from being in the hospital, and are looking for a better way to cope... I cud uz that tooo...

Mainly I REALLY need to evaluate my mate::: selection ,, oh, bad track record , dave,,,

Amazingly someone from the past lll poof''' lll reappears, oh m y g o d !!!!

I was in that for 4+ years,, said comment on me.. not her,,, ME...

Do let uz know some covertly way, says Katana David, if you pull an aka from Skittle,, K?

IMs work 2.

Keep the faith!

David

Clearly I do not have the cool quote shit down , Oh well, maybe a lesson sometime LOL

cheers ;)

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We haven't actually spoken for about 5 weeks but it did get very very nasty at the end. I think he's hoping it'll all just magically "go away" without having to take responsibility for any of his actions.

I'm sorry about your wife's latest actions... it seems nothing is straightforward with this. Dishonesty is incredibly hurtful. Right now I find it hard to believe those stories about people who manage to separate and stay friends... possible in theory I guess, but when there are wounded feelings involved people get irrational. That's not to say that you and I aren't being rational... hell, I don't know what I'm trying to say.

Need to speak to the pdoc next week about messing with my mood stabilisers - I'm so edgy and anxious and miserable and irritable - etc - just what you've been going through. I need anything to get me through this without driving my car off a cliff (current daydream of choice).

Take care - hope you have a good day

Skittle

Edit - trying to figure out why your quotes won't work. Should be "[*quote]"(text)"[*/quote] (and not \quote) without the asterisks.

I just highlight and copy bits of text and click on the "wrap in a quote" key (looks like a little text balloon above where you enter your message) and avoid the automatic quotes that it gives you when you reply.

(and I'll let you know if I go incognito!)

Back to work for me.

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Guest FrannyNZooey

Just wanted you to know I am hear listening and caring.

Love really does stink, even 4 years after nasty, made me feel all bad, so I just went, well in Hefty bags he tossed, then in guilt, and hope he would never tell kids the big dirt on me, I signed off all. Which was Hell of lot after 15 years married, and him in six figure salaries.

House, car, savings, 401K, which sorry to any engineer managers/Mennonites, is huger than all your earnings prpoerty combined, I mean man did he know how to play and save.

Well I got the guilt and hurt still, he told the kids, I know I am a dummy loser.

Worse part is I have been remarried couple years, and until all that just happened to me on SuperBowl, I would have gone back to him in a heart beat, snap of his fingers.

Bad things have happen to me now, I mean horrid, but I am now free, and in love with the man I should be.

Aly

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Aly -- I sincerely doubt you are a "dummy loser". Not a chance. This process and being made to take on the blame just trashes our self esteem.

Sorry to be curious, but I'm wondering - did you ever get to the stage where you forgave him and yourself for what had happened? And how did you cope through it all while being BP? (I feel like I'm going to crack completely, no matter what meds my pdoc throws at me)

Thanks for listening

Skittle

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Guest FrannyNZooey

Skittle, I always forgave him, which most thought I was in denial. I guess I was, but truly I believe real love should be forgiving, and give that second chance. We all need a second chance at least once.

Love is worth that.

It was learning when to let go, which should have been after the 2-3 years, when I got remarried, which yes did too quickly, for me anyway.

Forgiving myself, was whole other story, I never did, until I literally had to.

After what just happen in Feb. If I had not, and while in that deepest dark hole, I know I would not have survived.

I decided to fight and live.

I woke up, and am living now in the present, and looking forward to the future.

It took near death experience to make that happen to me, and pending possible jail time.

I pray you have easier route to forgiveness, especially of one self, that is biggest, and toughest.

We can not hide, run from ourselves, we really do need to take care of ourselves, nobody else will, especially if we walk around like ticking time bombs.

Love, Aly

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Right now I find it hard to believe those stories about people who manage to separate and stay friends... possible in theory I guess
Well I am with you there,, but theories,, they only hang around awhile too.. look at that flat earth stuff......,
just what you've been going through. I need anything to get me through this without driving my car off a cliff (current daydream of choice).

ahh , don't do that!! the insurance increase will kill you ;):)

and I'll let you know if I go incognito!
Good,, !!

Well you're a great teacher , I think I am getting this quote stuff down,,,, I think??

Really, If it is getting you to the point of driving cars off cliffs ( not a problem here in

flat Alberta - but have considered interchange pillars *ouch*)

Talk to someone quick,, the doc,,

write more here, keep in contact!

don't know what the rules of the road are with this cite ,, but if your getting really

down and dessppritt,, you can call on good ol' Katana Dave :cussing: )

Take care

David

I really thought I was getting that quote stuff,, worked for a bit...

back to the drawing bored

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