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Never been loved unconditionally


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My parents always said I could tell them anything. But they didn't mean it. Not by their actions. When they found out I was being molested, they got him counseling and help, not me. They pushed my side of it under the rug. It was too painful for them I guess and they wanted it to go away.

When I was in middle school and met my best friend, my parents hated her immediately. Always tried to make me quit being friends with her. When I started dating, if they didn't like the guy I was bullied by them until I quit seeing him. I couldn't decorate my room the way I wanted, and couldn't listen to the music I wanted.

When I made a choice on my own (rare that they didn't make my decisions for me) it was usually wrong and I got a lecture. They made the disappointed face, dad usually yelled. It is still that way today. I'm terrified to mention if I had a car problem and handled it a different way than they would have. And I'm married with a freakin child!

No wonder I was eventually dx'd with BPD. Marine couldn't even take it, he left me for a while last year. Not that I don't think he doesn't love me, he just couldn't handle me being out of control anymore.

I'm finally learning how to manage my emotions (along with meds) but what I wanna know is how long does it take to feel like someone really loves me. I know Marine wouldn't be here if he didn't. I just don't FEEL it. And I feel guilty as hell about it. I feel like an unfeeling bitch. I know I love him, but really most of the time I still feel overwhelmed and would rather be left alone. He gives me plenty of space, thank god. He's very understanding and helping as much as he can. But the fact that he's so sweet about it makes me feel like an even bigger bitch.

I still feel numb alot of the time and that bothers me. I have to fake happiness around my kid. The hugs and smiley kisses. I feel numb towards him too alot. I hate hate hate that. When does it get better? When will I really FEEL the feelings I've been faking? And when will I feel them from others?

Croix

(yes I have a tdoc, on waiting list for dbt, doing workbook on my own in meantime)

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I still feel numb alot of the time and that bothers me. I have to fake happiness around my kid. The hugs and smiley kisses. I feel numb towards him too alot. I hate hate hate that. When does it get better? When will I really FEEL the feelings I've been faking? And when will I feel them from others?

Croix, (hugs)

You are reading my diary! Well, I have run off the last man a year ago. And my kids, I just tell them I'm broken, and that it's my deal and because I'm unhappy and have a disconnect called depression because OF, and yes, I think it is cause/effect of a "Series of Unfortunate Events." Lemonny Snickets most evil imaginings of what happened to the Baulelaire children.

I believe, in my case, the disconnect is permenent. That my abuse occurred at such a young age and was sustained for such a long period of time, that my hardwiring was rewired so I could survive.

That bums me out and on a bad day, lately, I HATE my family. My parents especially, and though I don't believe in heaven hell or their christian god, whom they hide behind now that they're getting old and they end if fucking nigh...

I shrug my shoulders, seek the things that make me tingle and go from there. My tdoc and I have been together going on 3 years. We are NOW only scratching the surface of my disconnect. And I have been depressed as fuck and haven't seen him in almost 3 weeks (see him tomorrow) because when the hole opens up, like Pandora's box, I don't want hope to fly out.

But I have to go back in there, because as much as I've tried to convince myself the repairs were all completed when I was in intensive incest recovery 16 years ago, I think a few wires have come loose.

Because I'm where you describe, and what scares me or disturbs me, rather, I'm NOT scared that's part of the problem is that I am finding it more and more and more comfortable to just be with me. And a part of me is atrophying and I want to love a good, funny, smart, sexy AVAILABLE man and have intimacy with him and others. I DO want that. But I've built a wall again without even recognizing it, after Bradley died (betrayed me.) and when I think of the LOVE I felt and the connection I had, my openness to not just him, but the world, when he was in it...not that my world revolved around him, but having a soulmate to share it, made it interesting and I was interesting too. Before he came along.

I'm blabbering. I hear ya. But right now I'm on the waiting list for a room down below in the Abyss.

I am in complete ;) mode about life. And I'm afraid I'm growing tired of trying different things, meds, worldviews, and I just want it to be over. That this just wasn't my hurrah this time around. And let's just get it over with. Meh.

S9

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Exactly S9! My only difference is I'm not depressed. Oh, I get aggrivated and tired of it at times, but I think this has been the norm for me my whole life. I just don't know any other way. Plus regardless of what I've been through I'm an eternal optimist. Go figure. Could be the meds just talking though. I'm much better on a mood stabilizer.

The only time I recall ever feeling "in love" was that initial high when I was first with Marine. Our three week whirlwind romance when we met. Then we got engaged. He went overseas for a year, came back. Two days later we eloped. A month later things feel apart. Or I fell apart I should say. I was overwhelmed. Young, niave, emotionally immature. And I stayed stuck in that pattern for years. No wonder he finally had enough and walked out last year. It's been an eye opening year that's for sure.

I'm just learning about how fucked up my upbringing was, how I have no coping skills and that's why I shut down a long long time ago. It's not depressing to me, I'm just numb. I'm afraid once I really get into the thick of it in therapy, I am going to crash into a deep depression. We've talked about it a bit, but nothing really came up for me. Still numb. That bothers me. The worry that maybe I'll just always be this way and just have to live with it. The permanent disconnect of which you speak.

It's why I'm offputting to people in RL. Why it's hard to make friends, and be successful in the workplace. People tell me I come across as snobby or standoffish. But really I'm just numb, just kinda there. It's too hard to fake all the time.

At least you had incest recovery therapy once. What about grief therapy? You had connected before, and shut down again after Bradley died right? Stuck there, huh? That sucks, I'm sorry. I won't even pretend to know what that's like. But I'm here for you if you ever need me.

Karuna, I feel like it's more of a never really connected to people issue than a skills issue. Does that make sense? Of course I have no skills either, and I do have to learn those, but to not have any safe, loving relationships until I got married... I'm more worried about ever really connecting than coping right now. I got my meds to help me cope. But I guess the two go hand in hand. I really don't know. It sucks to not really know about much emotionally.

Croix

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My parents always said I could tell them anything. But they didn't mean it. Not by their actions. When they found out I was being molested, they got him counseling and help, not me. They pushed my side of it under the rug. It was too painful for them I guess and they wanted it to go away.

When I was in middle school and met my best friend, my parents hated her immediately. Always tried to make me quit being friends with her. When I started dating, if they didn't like the guy I was bullied by them until I quit seeing him. I couldn't decorate my room the way I wanted, and couldn't listen to the music I wanted.

When I made a choice on my own (rare that they didn't make my decisions for me) it was usually wrong and I got a lecture. They made the disappointed face, dad usually yelled. It is still that way today. I'm terrified to mention if I had a car problem and handled it a different way than they would have. And I'm married with a freakin child!

No wonder I was eventually dx'd with BPD. Marine couldn't even take it, he left me for a while last year. Not that I don't think he doesn't love me, he just couldn't handle me being out of control anymore.

I'm finally learning how to manage my emotions (along with meds) but what I wanna know is how long does it take to feel like someone really loves me. I know Marine wouldn't be here if he didn't. I just don't FEEL it. And I feel guilty as hell about it. I feel like an unfeeling bitch. I know I love him, but really most of the time I still feel overwhelmed and would rather be left alone. He gives me plenty of space, thank god. He's very understanding and helping as much as he can. But the fact that he's so sweet about it makes me feel like an even bigger bitch.

I still feel numb alot of the time and that bothers me. I have to fake happiness around my kid. The hugs and smiley kisses. I feel numb towards him too alot. I hate hate hate that. When does it get better? When will I really FEEL the feelings I've been faking? And when will I feel them from others?

Croix

(yes I have a tdoc, on waiting list for dbt, doing workbook on my own in meantime)

oh.my.gosh. i have never felt so close to something, ever. it made me uncomfortable reading this. i have such a hard time opening up to anything...and you have put so many things in my life out there. my parents have done these exact things to me all of my life.

i was forbidden to see people that my parents didnt like (friends OR boyfriends), i was NEVER allowed to dress certain ways, decorate my room how i wanted (only once - and that was when my parents unexpectedly moved me of the neighbourhood we lived in for years because they hated all of my friends and it was only paint - and the colour that SHE liked that was somewhat close). even today - i still live with my parents and my room has to be exactly the way she wants it - im 25 fucking years old. ive always been scared to stand up to my mother, for fear of her reaction. in turn, i end up making myself miserable in ALL situations because i wont stand up for myself or keep myself in situations for the simple fact that i just want to make other people happy. the list goes on and on...

i hate my parents for this.

my relationships are always the same. i feel that i will always be stuck with that cosmic lonliness. like you, i always want my own space and when i feel like its time to spend time with the bf, its too much and i want to be alone again. its very hard...because he doesnt understand and like i said - i cant open up. he just wouldnt get it if i did. i tell myself that i love him everyday, but i still question that. i dont know if that makes sense...but i think it does to me. this has happened in EVERY relationship and im sure that i am destined to be alone. i wonder if it will ever change...

sigh

yeah. tal

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Hey tal, our parents should get together and try to control each other,lol. That would be a hoot! Yeah, it's very hard to talk about, I've been thinking about posting this for about 2 months now, that's how uncomfortable it is.

My saving grace has been Marine. He is my total opposite. He has no tact. And not in a mean way, he just refuses to censor himself for anyone. One day my mom was being mean and bitchy to me and he told her in front of everyone that she needed to get laid. He really knows how to shut them up. They are usually stunned into silence by him. I love it and live vicariously through him. And he had a bad upbringing too. Makes you wonder how some people grow up learning to cope so well, and others just fall apart. Although, his parents are divorced, and his mom's side was great, so he had them to learn from.

But yeah, I wish I could stand up to them like that. I still cringe when he says something to them (however true) that I know they won't like. And he gets away with it. No one would ever dare tell him he was inappropriate or an asshole or anything. Cuz he's not, that's just their perception anyway. Most people really, love him for it. When you or I would be labled a bitch for saying the things he says.

Believe me, I know I hit the jackpot with this man. I'll do whatever it takes to hold on to him. He's the only one I've ever known that makes me want to do the hard work to be a better person. And on the flip side, I'm scared to death to do the work and open up and really feel for him. Because then if he were ever to go away for whatever reason I'd be devastated. But then, maybe I'm just putting him on a pedistal because I've never known someone so well adjusted. <SIGH>

What you said made perfect sense to me. The questioning. But you never know, he might surprise you if you open up to him. It's a scary thought, but you never know what will happen until you try. You are NOT destined to be alone forever. It will just take some work on your part, and an understanding partner. But he can't understand if you don't let him in.

Croix

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can't stay for long bc I am finishing up my FINAL final project before i get to go home to the PARENTS! Croix and tal, i think that all three of our parents can have a fight to the death... controlling.as.all.hell. they did/do the same things with people, my room, etc. ugh! I would go on, but if i do, i wont stop and i really need to finish this project and pack. later guys...

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