Just being ME

[Sam]

You know, I was feeling sorry for myself today. It was a sort of unsettled feeling. I couldn't quite put my finger on it.

Then I figured it out. Within one week I have managed to alienate or piss off or annoy four people. PLUS I heard gossip about myself.

First, I upset a very good friend by telling him that he needed to take control of his life and get the hell of the web game that he plays. He plays downstairs, his wife plays upstairs, and never the twain shall meet. He knows I am right, he needed a kick in the ass, but nevertheless, he is acting strange. Sucks.

I pissed off my supervisor, too. I thought she was pretty cool, and I emailed her some of my concerns about a new system we have implemented at work. I offered suggestions. I work with the public, and it pisses me off when we screw them over. She responded in a not-very-nice way, then said feel free to send her any other suggestions. I emailed her back and said I would no longer be submitting suggestions. (Heat of the moment and all...) She wrote me some other shit, and I wrote back using concilitory tones, pretty much rolling over and letting her win, and she did not respond. Not cool. So she has been all weird towards me all week.

Turns out a girl at work hates me. She is really friendly, but I could never figure out why she wasn't with me. I finally decided that she just didn't like me. The other day I spent my LUNCH HOUR doing something for her that I didn't have to do, and she didn't care. Yes, I did it for the client, but she should have at least acted interested. Yesterday we were picking up food to go at the same place and I said something...don't remember what. She made this face and started talking to her friend...UG. I left. Later my ex-bf, who also works with me, mentioned that she doesn't like me because I am just too much. Loud. Dramatic. Annoying. Just all of my basic characteristics. She doesn't appreciate excitement. Oh well. So now that I KNOW she doesn't like me, I want to avoid her. I left the breakroom today because she was in there. Sigh.

Finally! I said something in front of another co-worker's supervisor yesterday, in jest, and he was not well pleased. I apologized and he said no big deal, but we have pretty much stopped talking to each other.

THEN, my ex-bf told me that his gf had already heard I had mental problems. Man. I mean, I make no bones about it, but the link to her is really weak. I guess I am juicier gossip than I thought I was.

It's been a really socially frustrating day. I just want to close my door at work and not come out!

It just all hit me at once today. I don't want to act like myself. Too bad there's not a personality-change drug. Hell, I'm on all the other ones.

Oh, and yeah, people suck.

Sam

[punky]

Hi Sam, I'm sorry so much shit is raining on you at once. Kudos, though, for telling your friend to get it together. It goes to show that you really care. If you didn't care, you'd play it safe and not confront him, and just let him ruin his own life.

You can't please everybody. People think I'm a snob in real life because I often am very quiet. I'm just a good listener. Then again, I'm also very loud in style, and a lot of people don't like that, either. Just keep your chin up (as opposed to staring at your feet) and let those people waste their own energy worrying about what you do. Put your own energy into being yourself, somebody you can be proud to be. You are kind to somebody you don't really like because you care about the client, that makes you a good somebody.

[Sam]

Thanks, ps. Seriously, that is good advice. I do walk around with my head down. You pegged me right there. I hate to be embarrassed of myself.

Right, part of the deal is I wish I could be happy without needing people contact. I wish I could just shut my door at work, lock it at home, and turn off all the phones. But I can't. Another BP dichotomy, I suppose!

I am the queen of making myself miserable. I wonder if that's why my BP is so hard to treat. Maybe I just like it too much.

Who knows! But thanks for the pep talk! I have to go face three out of four of those people today, deal with my mother whom I pissed off yesterday (and didn't really care...long story but I have valid reasons) AND try to deal with some other feelings that preoccupy me, about yet another person.

Geez, I've got this whining thing goin' ON!

Wow, but it does seem like I am having some people problems. Huh. Normally it just doesn't all pile on my head like that! It will work itself out. I think I am just feeling a little bombarded.

Thanks for responding.

Sam

[wifezilla]

If you are outgoing and direct, that is just going to piss some people off. People who don't like to face things head on, people who have their own issues of confidence.

Did you lie? No. Did you try to hurt someone? No.

Why should you walk on egg shells around these people? Is the truth that threatening to them?

Fuck em!*

*Keep in mind I am over 40. Once you get over 40, you tend less and less to give a shit what idiots think.

[Sam]

Killer, WZ! Only three years, and three months to go! Hey, it's closer than social security! HOPEFULLY closer than grandchildren. Sooner than most of my canned goods expire!!!

Sam

[celestia]

mentioned that she doesn't like me because I am just too much. Loud. Dramatic. Annoying. Just all of my basic characteristics.

The *exact* words have been said about me all my life, FUCK 'EM. Survival of the fittest and it's this fucking patriarchal bullshit social programming fucking nonsense that women are supposed to be demure, and polite and wear skirt and not speak unless spoken to and well

FUCK THAT

People are the MOST pissed off at you when you are right. Like your friend. My thing is, "don't ask, unless you want me to tell you what I really think." Then I try to be tactful, kind, all that stuff that I fail miserably at. But I can live with it. I'll be 46 on my next BD, this year. WZ is totally correct, after 40 the "don't give a shit factor" goes WaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaY High. I don't know why. I think we just generally get tired of being pushed around and have lived long enough by then to just not fucking care anymore if people like us or not--their loss. The other side is, I am an asshole at times. I try to cop to it, particularly if it's brought to me, but then I have to say, "is the real or a shit sandwich?" That usually requires figuratively "shutting the office door" and pondering.

If I come out an asshole, I say, "Im an asshole, I'm sorry."

If I come out with a shit sandwich, I give it back and say, "thank you, but I don't eat shit sandwiches anymore."

To thine own self be true Sam. You rock. Truth is too much for too many. Everyone at sometime or another.

We are humanoids. Bah.

Hugs,

S9

[wifezilla]

"People are the MOST pissed off at you when you are right"

Ding Ding Ding! That answer is correct! 500 points for you

[lilie]

You were only being yourself and thats all you have to do. Fuck them and the ponies they rode in on.

Lilie

[Sam]

Thanks, guys. I really hope I stop caring what other people think when I turn 40. I have to keep reminding myself, "Not everyone has to like me."

And for it all to happen at once really sucks. Plus I think it has gotten through my thick head that my best friend really doesn't want to be my friend anymore. Sucks. I bought the, "I'm busy," stuff, as his job is really taxing right now, but he has time to help other people online.

If I mention it, I sound like a pathetic, needy, emotional basket case, and he gets indignant. He does all sorts of other things than work, and I SO wanted to believe that it was just work.

Yeah, so, a fucked up week all in all. My sup was a bitch AGAIN today, and wants to elicit suggestions at the staff meeting next week. It is going to be way healthier for me just to skip it. I get really emphatic and hyper and loud, and she takes everything as a personal attack, like every idea she came up with herself.

Not fond of human race right now. Except for you guys. Thanks so much. Support is a good thing!

Sam

[wifezilla]

I have a though....

Have you been becoming mentally healthier recently?

I mention this because if you are changing for the better, people who are used to you acting and being UNHEALTHY might be freaking out over the change.

Not sure what your status is or was, so I am just throwing out the theory.

You know how it is when there is a married couple and one spouse is an alcoholic...then they become sober and the other partner leaves. Can't deal with the healthy person because their role is now changed.

Am I making any sense here?

[Sam]

WZ, no better. I am backsliding. Maybe THAT is what people are noticing. Nah, my sup is just a pain. My friend knows I am right and will come around at some point, just everything is awkward until that time comes if ever, my coworker...I dunno. I think that relationship is totally marred by my BP. He is SO straightlaced and he just backs away at any mention of my MI. The other girl...she is just going to hate me no matter what.

My best friend. If he has paid any bit of attention, he would know I have been having an extremely hard time. Maybe you are right, but in an opposite way. Maybe he needed me to be healthy for him. And now that I'm not, he doesn't want to be around me anymore. He might feel guilty that I am not doing well, long story, but if that's so, that sure is the coward's way out.

Oh well. New drug = new side effects. Maybe that will keep my mind off all of this!!!!!

Thanks, WZ. The opposite really could be true in several of those instances....hadn't thought of that.

Sam

[ncc1701]

Heya Sam,

Mneh.

I dunno, I wonder what Wifey was wondering.

B/c for me anyways.

Lately figuring out what things about myself are okay, like wanting to be alone.

I went with DH and his friend to the movies lastnight (not my choice; Lamictal and my social-rhythms say I sleep early).

That was Poseidon. I like water, fires, sinking boats. I was looking forward to seeing it. Also, I like trailers -- they're like small movies to me.

DH and friend were chattering away.

Usually I'd *act* like I wanted to chatter too.

I moved.

Had a fun time, talked to the movie, bla.

Chatted during dinner with DH and friend, about the movie, bla.

Afterwards.

DH said he was disappointed I moved.

So.

Sometimes we're just being ourselves. And that's hard on people who have seen us *acting.*

Just saying.

--ncc--

[Loon-A-TiK]

It makes you wonder who your true friends are. Something like your mental status should not be floating around social circles, especially if you've only told "trusted" people. Perhaps your ex told his new flame. Well, fuck them, there are talents we crazy people have that "normal" people just don't. Go to www.willigocrazy.org for a very special theory on the BP personality and BP illness and how the two are different.

This should lighten your load and help you realize your talents.

Good for you for helping others, who are your "friends", see their destructive ways.

I've seen that a lot of my bosses think they're right all the time, and ask their employees for "feedback", but don't really want our feedback, only validation for their own stupid crappy ideas. You may be dealing with one of them. If that is the case, just shut your trap and deal with it. You just work there. I know you care and want to do your best for your clients, but there are times when we need to just work there and let the supervisors roast in their own juice so to speak.

I admire you for getting out there and pushing forward. Go for it!

Loon