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I do not feel actively suicidal at this point but, I am making plans so that things are in place. It is very hard for me to ask for help, so consequently I can't talk to anybody about this.

What do you think?

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Hmmmm.

You are making plans to kill yourself and not seeking help.

That sound like being 'active'.

Granted you could be typing this and just about to commit the act, that would be worse.

But still, you are not in a good situation. If you are making plans then you are not well.

To the best of your ability, stop planning your demise.

GO FIND HELP. TELL SOMEONE WHAT IT GOING THRU YOUR HEAD. Call your Pdoc, call your therapist. If you are in danger of hurting yourself go to the hospital ER, or call 911. Check out http://www.metanoia.org

Be safe. Don't accept this level of thought.

a.m.

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Hmmmm.

You are making plans to kill yourself and not seeking help.

That sound like being 'active'.

Granted you could be typing this and just about to commit the act, that would be worse.

But still, you are not in a good situation. If you are making plans then you are not well.

To the best of your ability, stop planning your demise.

GO FIND HELP. TELL SOMEONE WHAT IT GOING THRU YOUR HEAD. Call your Pdoc, call your therapist. If you are in danger of hurting yourself go to the hospital ER, or call 911. Check out http://www.metanoia.org

Be safe. Don't accept this level of thought.

a.m.

I guess I thought of "active" as actually making the attempt and for me there will be no more "attempts". I am really tired of fighthing the urge to stop at the gun store I pass every day.

Sometimes I think if I make the purchase I can focus more on the fight against using it............but damn the ease of it is intoxicating...........

I guess my thinkng is distorted, but sometimes it seems so sane, something I should have acted on years ago.................

I will contact the website you posted.......thank you

I just want to thank you all for making this board available........just typing all this out has relieved some pressure in my head.............thank you all

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Sometimes I think if I make the purchase I can focus more on the fight against using it............but damn the ease of it is intoxicating...........
From someone *actively* suicidal as we speak, you are in deep water when you use words like ease of use and intoxicating when talking about dying.

Just my opinion. I had to make pinky swears today with my therapist, I see my shrink tomorrow. I have a plan and a plan and a nother plan. My first plan requires nothing more than co-factors intersecting at once. The others are a few more elaborate. I told tdoc, because I have an impulse control problem, that the cofactors are gonna come together and bingo. Game Over. This is suicidal.

So, my doctors are all over me like stink on shit, at my behest and I'm one pissed off motherfucker tonight that I'm alive. Depression is fucking my ear, both sides. Upside down and sideways.

Ideation, I don't mean this rudely, look it up...you are actively suicidal way before you pull the trigger.

Hang in by a thread, not a rope, for now.

S9

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whether or not 'actively suicidal' means planning versus doing, is rather irrelevant. If you've gotten to a point where it seems like a reasonable thing to do, then you clearly have no sense of reason.

Give your power up to someone you trust.

I admit, I don't think making plans means that your death shall soon follow, but I'd sure as hell hate to be wrong.

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Dear Zelda:

Please go to the website that Air Marshall suggested---and there is also a suicide hotline where you live, I'm sure. Please call it and talk to someone. The people who volunteer for those hotlines are just like the people here at CrazyBoards---they want to help and they understand the black pit feeling.

Please post again and tell us if you went to the website or called a hotline. We really do care.

olga

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As others have said, I think you have defined "actively" in your post. Making plans or getting your affairs in order is something you do if you're going to go through with it. Do what it takes to stop youself. You don't mention meds or doctor, so take the advice others have given and call someone, however hard it may be.

You said, "Sometimes I think if I make the [gun] purchase I can focus more on the fight against using it............but damn the ease of it is intoxicating........... " You also said there will be no more "attemps"

I myself am a big firearms advocate: freedom, self defense and all that. DON'T BUY A GUN!

it may help focus your struggle for a moment and then end your life. As you state, it's intoxicating because it's easy; it's almost not an "attempt" at all. Swallowing a ton of pills takes time and you would be forced to think about what you are doing. An impusive twitch of the finger would rob you of the chance to "focus" Does the "bad idea" alarm in your brain go off when you pass the gun store and think about going in? I think so, listen to it. You know it isn't in your best interest to have one lying around, waiting for that bad day, that instant of impulsivity.

Good luck and please keep writing to us. Many of us have felt what you are feeling and had similar thoughts.

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. . .

I myself am a big firearms advocate: freedom, self defense and all that. DON'T BUY A GUN!

it may help focus your struggle for a moment and then end your life. As you state, it's intoxicating because it's easy; it's almost not an "attempt" at all. Swallowing a ton of pills takes time and you would be forced to think about what you are doing. An impusive twitch of the finger would rob you of the chance to "focus" Does the "bad idea" alarm in your brain go off when you pass the gun store and think about going in? I think so, listen to it. You know it isn't in your best interest to have one lying around, waiting for that bad day, that instant of impulsivity.

Good luck and please keep writing to us. Many of us have felt what you are feeling and had similar thoughts.

I want everybody to know that I do feel better having finally "said" what has going on in my head. I don't hear voices per se...........but that damn loop tape that plays in my head is exhausting!!!!

I do "intellectually" know that buying a gun whould be a very bad idea.........but the urge is so strong at times that it seems almost magnetic.........like I am being pulled towards the store:(. The fight to stay strong against the pull is very overwhelming at times.

To add to that battle is the other tape in my head that says.."You need to destroy your brain to be finally free...........I know it does not make sense, but at least I do know it doesn't make sense:(

I do take meds........a lot of them matter of fact...... and the prospect of tweaking what I am on, or adding new ones feels so useless.

Thank you for allowing me to have a place to post "outloud" what is going on in my head. I do feel like a pressure valve has been opened, and allowed more room for my rational thoughts to expand and do battle with my irrational thoughts. Thank you again.

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This thought from the metanoia.org website has kept me alive when nothing else has.

It appeals to my sense of logic, and doesn't get into all the horseshit about the hurt and guilt of the survivors, whether or not your problems are bad enough for suicide (how does anyone else presume to know?), and all the other reasons you'll hear from non-suicidal people:

People often turn to suicide because they are seeking relief from pain.

Remember that relief is a feeling. And you have to be alive to feel it.

You will not feel the relief you so desperately seek, if you are dead.

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You will not feel the relief you so desperately seek, if you are dead.
But how do you know that? If one believes in life after death, there may well be relief. Just sayin'.

One of the things that has stopped me from doing it is the thought that reincarnation could be for real, and I could be put back here on earth to go through ALL of this pain again, because I ended it the first time.

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Zelda -

I'm sorry, but firearms have been prohibited here in the Abyss since the time Edward tried skeet-shooting with boomerangs instead of clay pigeons. Do not purchase one. Period.

Every now and again I have to ask myself a question, and I'm asking you now: Do you really want to be dead, or do you actually just want the pain to stop? I suspect the answer is that you just want the pain to stop, and there are ways of making it stop without harming yourself.

Please re-read the last sentence.

If your suicidal ideation is that powerful, that "intoxicating," as you say, your meds are not working. I understand that you feel as though the long, frustrating process of finding the right combination of meds for you is overwhelming and exhausting, but the result will be a more normal life, one where you don't have to listen to the inner voice that tells you you can only be free by killing yourself. Remember: It's a lie. And an irrational one at that. The only reason you can believe it at all is because you hear it in your own voice. But it's a lie nonetheless. Or, if you prefer, think of it as the staticky noise you hear on the telephone if there's a fault in the line. You have a physical and/or chemical malfunction in the physical organ of your brain, and you are getting faulty signal. Or, consider someone who has had his arm amputated - sometimes amputees feel "ghost" sensations as though their limbs were still attached. If a person who lost his right arm suddenly had a feeling that his right arm was on fire, should he rush to a burn ward? Of course not. The signal you are getting is a false alarm. You should not react as though it were real. You should pay an immediate visit to your mental health care provider and try something else until you find relief.

Get up from your computer, walk to your telephone (or reach, if it's close) and dial the number for your psychiatrist or therapist. Tell the person who answers that you are thinking seriously about suicide and need to speak to your doctor right away. If you get a machine, listen closely to the message; most pdocs and tdocs will leave a number where they can be reached in just such an emergency. All of mine have always done so. In that case, call the number. This is an emergency.

Go do that now.

As in now.

As in not an hour from now, a day from now, or after your funeral.

It's ok, we'll wait here...

Did you make the call? No? GO! Don't read another word until you do.

I said, don't read another word. Go. to. your. telephone. At. once.

Please do, Zelda, because you do NOT have to feel this way, when there are medicines and therapies that can relieve your pain. Murdering yourself is not the answer Your disease is trying to hurt you. Don't let it win. Never, ever.

Keep talking to us so that we know you're ok.

Cerberus

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I want everybody to know that I do feel better having finally "said" what has going on in my head.

Zelda,

in addition to heeding the abyss keeper's recommendations, do keep writing. write in as much detail as you wish. write it out twenty times, write until the voices realize you are listening, and monitoring, and surveillancing, but that instead of heeding them you are exposing them. sometimes, at least the timid ones, begin to shrink back.

but they aren't all timid. so DO call your mental health care provider. DO call a hotline. do anything and everything you can to get actual real people to help you . No idea what the situation with a hospital is in your area or what your experiences have been, but if this is an option, consider it seriously.

finally, medication-wise, like a fight with cancer or diabetes, sometimes a treatment that works for a long time ceases to, sometimes trying to find the next working treatment is painful or difficult, but sometimes it is less so.

and then again (not finally), it made a brief appearance here a while ago but i am posting it here because i think yourself and others going through similar struggle right now need to be reminded, even if you can't somehow believe it.

hope_underground_by_presentjoy.jpg

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Zelda,

I understand the frustration with the meds and the sense of hopelessness about them ever working (believe you me!) but I promise you, though you can't see it right now, it's worth the fight to find something that works. It may feel like you can't keep bearing it for one more moment, let alone for the weeks or months it might take to find what will help you, but you can get through those moments, one by one, breath by breath, until you get there. And it will be worth it. You will have so much life left to enjoy free of this suffering and you will be relieved you didn't indulge that voice in your head that is goading you on to a permanent "solution" that is no solution at all.

I've been there, hon, and so many of us here have been there or are there right now. You can do this. It may be the hardest, most overwhelming thing in the world right now, but you can do it. You know you're not thinking clearly, you know you're not being reasonable, so don't act. Nothing has to be done NOW. Nothing has to be decided NOW. Call your doctor(s). Give them a chance to do what you're paying them to do, and that is HELP YOU.

And I second PJ's advice. Keep writing. Keep letting it out. Don't let it fester in there and take on a life of its own. Let us know how you're doing and know *you are not alone in all this.*

Take care of you,

~Faith

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I doggedly pursued ALL my doctors loudly til I got relief. You can take me off the active list. That's what it takes, and gory detail about what's going on in my head. They pay attention, if I don't try and "keep a stiff upper lip" or minimize.

But it's hard fucking work. Yesterday was the hardest day of my life in a looooooooooooong time and now i'm resting comfortably. Because I went to tdoc, regular doc and pdoc within a 24 hour period and spilled my guts and plaintively said, HELP! I'm fucking going under! I'm scared!

Fuck stoicism and glossing over, which is what I used to do. MDD is a killer.

Take good care and stay vigilant. Stay close to us.

Hugs,

S9

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And I second PJ's advice. Keep writing. Keep letting it out. Don't let it fester in there and take on a life of its own. Let us know how you're doing and know *you are not alone in all this.*

Take care of you,

~Faith

I am so sorry that I dumped all this on you guys. The pressure in my head has just been building for so long I knew I had only two choices, and I know I made the right choice by posting here.

I hoped you would understand my shitty way of thinking......or at least where I was coming from, and try to get me back on track..... and you have all helped me so much.

I know I should call a crisis line, but I am afraid of the caller ID..........I DO NOT WANT TO END UP IN THE HOSPITAL AGAIN............but sometimes the struggle is sooooooo hard and tiresome.... ;)

I want to thank you all for allowing me to post my deepest fears here.........thank you

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And I second PJ's advice. Keep writing. Keep letting it out. Don't let it fester in there and take on a life of its own. Let us know how you're doing and know *you are not alone in all this.*

Take care of you,

~Faith

I am so sorry that I dumped all this on you guys. The pressure in my head has just been building for so long I knew I had only two choices, and I know I made the right choice by posting here.

I hoped you would understand my shitty way of thinking......or at least where I was coming from, and try to get me back on track..... and you have all helped me so much.

I know I should call a crisis line, but I am afraid of the caller ID..........I DO NOT WANT TO END UP IN THE HOSPITAL AGAIN............but sometimes the struggle is sooooooo hard and tiresome.... ;)

I want to thank you all for allowing me to post my deepest fears here.........thank you

Don't be sorry! There is no reason to be at all. In fact, you are not allowed to be sorry!

Please continue to write and do everything you can to keep the demons at bay. So many people have said such great things. I understand your fears more than you know, but sometimes there are things we must do to get better when it all gets to be way too much for us to handle.

Be well and be good to yourself,

~Ophelia~

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To me, it seems that you are actively suicidal. That, to me, means that you have a plan and have lost your sense of reason. I was at that point last week and my med shelf was literally calling to me (I get psychotic) and I had to call my uncle (a PhD in Chem and MS in Pharmacy) for him to talk me out of it (he said I'd throw up before the meds would kill me). But enduring is hell- I hear your pain.

Please, please, please do whatever it takes to stay away from things that could hurt you. I recommend never, ever letting yourself be alone in any way during times when you've lost sanity. If necessary, do NOT hesitate to go to the hospital. If you tell your pdoc how you feel, that you want to kill yourself, s/he should ask you if you need emergency hospitalization. Usually they'll keep you for 2-7 days or so just to straighten out your meds and give you some structure and peace. Consider this resource.

Along with what everyone else has been saying, keep peace. Even if it means printing mandalas off the internet and coloring them (favorite loony bin activity- very calming), or talking to trusted people on the net and in person. Whatever it takes to keep yourself safe. I'm in favor of the loony bin, but hey, I'm never afraid to go there because I know how it benefits me. Think about the danger level you present to yourself, talk to your p and tdocs, and come up with a battle plan against these episodes for when they happen. Come up with a plan during your sane periods, and make sure other people can take care of you if you cannot take care of yourself during your crappy periods. I've had to be taken care of before to avoid hospitalization. Don't be ashamed.

Love and Light-

Loon

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