Oh, life

[Whacko Jhacko]

I'm an aspiring rapper from Nova Scotia, Canada. Someone on LJ said "Crazyboards" and I'm like "WTF-I'M-SOTHERE" (in my head). This place is rightttt up my alley.

I'm a drop-out, recovering hermit and I'm moving to the ghetto. How fun! New experiences and all that. Well, moving is fun, not being a hermit and a drop-out. I'm a drop-out partially because of the abuse I experienced at school scewed me up big time. I have anxiety attacks; bad ones. I stayed in my room mostly for three years or more. Even watching television in the living room is a revelation to me. I go out sometimes now and I found the will to vaguely ask for help. Now I have an appointment to see an RN - then a psychiatrist - next month.

Life before was so bad. I haven't told people the extent of the utter pain I was feeling. Intensely suicidal but too afraid to off myself. I believe I also suffered through major depersonalization. I was going crazy and no one even noticed it.

One of my greatest low-points that I'm still going through has been... whenever I would make a mistake, I would psychologically abuse myself to motivate myself to do better. It didn't work. I abused myself so severely.... I was telling myself (this all going on inside my head) that I should die, that I hate myself, please kill me... a whole lot of it involved me thinking I should die in various ways and that's what started to disturb me. So I'm working on stopping that. I suspect that I almost fragmented myself...

Now I go out sometimes. My life is spent between being anti-social and trying not to be. But it's so difficult. I feel very little. Do you think trying to find out what conditions you suffer on your own is bad? If it helps I don't really have the emotion to commit to believing in having any one condition besides being screwed up. But possible issues I may have: Aspergers, PTSD, bipolar, depression; some developmental disorder.

I feel nothing. I don't want to do anything. I'm actually trying simply because... if I can't allow myself to die, what else do I have? Life is miserable as is and I do not want to keep on being hardly a human at all.

So hi.

[ncc1701]

Heya WhackoJacko,

Good place here on CB.

Hi back.

--ncc--

[Catnapper]

Hi Whacko -

Welcome to the nuthouse! I think you'll find lots of people who can relate to what you're going through and you'll be able to find lots of information on how to get to feeling better. I'm sorry to hear you're going through a rough patch.

I know all about being a hermit. When I'm really depressed I may not go out of the house for a week at a time, not even to get the mail. Eventually I have to take the trash out and get cat food, but it seems I often do that around midnight when the store is mostly full of stock clerks. It's hard to be with people sometimes.

I have major depressive disorder, recurrent, with dysthymia, a sort of low-level constant depresssion. I'm on all sorts of cool drugs to help me get better as right now I'm climbing out of major depressive episode number five. It basically sucks having a brain that is so top notch in some ways and so liable to suddenly fail in others. I'm sure you know what I mean.

Enough about me, though. I'm glad to hear you're going to see a pdoc soon. Will that be your first time? I asked because you mentioned something about trying to find out what conditions you have on your own. I think the more you can find out about what ails you the better off you are, but I also think that a professional diagnosis is absolutely necessary.

I think a professional diagnosis is a necessity for two reasons: The first is that although you might have a pretty good educated guess about what's wrong, you'll never be objective about yourself and could easily miss or disregard important diagnostic clues that will stand out to a trained practicioner. We have a few MDs here that don't try to treat themselves for their own MIs.

The second reason that a professional diagnosis is needed is because without one you won't be able to get treatment. Just about everyone on this board has some sort of serious MI (mental illness), and some have more than one, and most are more than likely using meds as a first line defense to get better and then maintain their health.

Based on your description, you're suffering a whole lot more than you have to be. I think you'll find that with the assistance of a good pdoc you'll be pleasantly surprised at how much better things will look once you get the right treatment.

Well, you probably fell asleep three paragraphs ago, but if you're still reading, we're glad you're here. I look forward to reading your posts and getting to know you. See you round the boards.

Catnapper

[Whacko Jhacko]

Completely agree about the necessity of the professional diagnosis. I do find it a bit of a struggle to be objective - not to mention that I think I have attention span issues - so I know not to trust myself too much. It will be the first time seeing a psych. I'm having a lot of luck in my attempts to get help so far. My doc has been attempting to treat me for social anxiety and I knew she wanted me to see a psych... so I asked for a referal. She's been great about everything. Doesn't know the extent of my problems however I bet she suspects.

I can relate with you on a lot of that. I wait 'till real late to go out. Ah, I hate summer, takes so long to get dark and stuff closes before then.

[~nestling~]

welcome