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I'm a bit late...

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I think most people who care already know who I am in a general sense, but here we go anyway. this post is intended solely for the purpose of not-SIing and trying to get back up from a sudden spiral into depression. (sudden as in -- a few seconds I was outside looking at stars and I couldn't figure out which was the big dipper. and it pissed me off. and now I feel so angry I want to cut.) sad, no? I swear I'm bipolar... or, well. some other illness that causes me to overreact to things majorly.


hi, my name is vunja. "vunja" just happens to be the Swahili word for "shattered". I adopted it a few years ago and it's my sort of all-around screenname. I partly chose "shattered" because that's one of my favorite sounds in the world -- shattering glass. I drop things to hear them shatter. another is the more obvious, omg teen angst. so shoot me.

I'm in high school. specific grades, ages, whathaveyou aren't going to be mentioned. take my word for it -- I'm younger than you. I promise, I am. I'm not so much naive, but I'm very unexperienced with this whole life thing. I'm under eighteen, younger than you, and I live with my parents. enough said.

my favorite place in the world is my local mental hospital. I'm serious. I love my social worker to the point where I'll put him in place of another if he's not assigned to me. anyway, being in a mental hospital is just about the safest place for me, and I like feeling safe. being cooped up in a hallway for a week is perfectly acceptable. I'm not allowed to go back there again, though. (although that's only what they say until I'm suicidal.) so I don't think I'll be returning any time soon.

I tend to be very self centered without realizing it. I'm so sorry, I really am. just slap me or something. it's good enough. I'm also very empathetic in some ways, but sometimes I'm just blind. I tend to always see others as being worse than me, but I think inside I tend to think I'm worse off than anyone else. it's an ongoing battle between what I know is going on and what might possibly be going on, and it's not ever going to stop. I have a horrible understanding of the degree to which others feel pain. I can feel pain with you, but only on one level. it's shallow. again, just slap me.

I've been suffering from dysthemia for about six years now, with recurring major depressive episodes. I've had trichotillomania as long as I can remember and I've been anxiety ridden as long as I can remember. it's shifted somewhat, but it's still just as debilitating. (although ativan helps considerably.) I've cut myself for about two years now, and I don't seem to be able to stay in remission for more than about a month. I'm addicted.

my life on a platter; feel free to dissect me. criticism is welcomed because it's like alcohol in a cut -- it feels so fucking good. and god I'm horrible.

thanks for listening. <3

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You are an excellent writer with a distinct voice. You don't mention what your interests are, but you obviously have a talent for communicating.

heh. I'm a writer. that's my biggest hobby. :) and that compliment just hit me through the roof. thank you. ;)

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are you planning to study English at Uni, then? (I did. with teaching. some years ago)

honestly, I don't know. right now I'm still trying to make it through high school... I haven't thought so much about the future yet. I've always had this misconception that an English degree can only lead to teaching, though... it is a misconception but it makes the idea somewhat revolting. I'm currently leaning much closer towards being a sign language interpreter for the deaf, just because I love signing.

that's another long story, though. thank you for the welcome. ;)

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First and foremost, welcome to the loony-bin. Glad to have you.

Secondly, I can very much relate to the feeling of safety and security you can get from a psych ward.

When I was your age (back when there was still a big black monolith standing next to our cave), I spent 4 months in one. There can be a true sense of security there, maybe a chance to let down the guard a bit. You're taken care of, your meals prepared, someone makes sure you take your meds and structures your day. You don't have to deal with the social pressures of an entire school full of kids. You get to piss and rage and moan and cry without people making judgements. For the most part, you get a break from your parents too. It is very much an insular environment.

What's not to love?

The danger there is getting "institutionalized". It's easy to relax and let people take care of you to the point where you no longer have the will (or the skill) to do it yourself.



But our ultimate goal has to be the ability to stand on our own feet and face the world. Hard to do that hiding inside. The trip is rarely easy, and rarely fun at first.

I think, for me, it will eventually be worth it.

Hope to see you around.


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