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I thought I was ok...


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Bipolar wise I'm supposedly stable. I found lithium and everything became ok again. I hadn't cut for 4 and a half months and all those feelings to do with cutting just went away. Everyone was so pleased with how I was doing.

And now it's all coming back. I just feel so tired. I want to ;) take a sharp razor blade, slash my arms up and watch them bleed. So bad. I don't think I'm depressed, I'm functioning well, I just want to bleed. What the fuck is wrong with me?

My pdoc was so pleased with me. She said the cutting was to do with me feeling alone. But I'm not alone anymore. I don't understand why all this has come back. Am I just flawed- is cutting always going to be a part of me?

Does anyone have a clue what I'm going on about?

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Hello!!

There is nothing wrong with you. You're not flawed at all.

I think I know how you feel. Cutting used to do so much more for me that it does now. I am more depressed than anxious in the last few weeks. I cut because of how things are moreso now - I am so alone with such a pathetic life.

Anywho, it's great you seem to be stable and functioning well. It could be that there are issues that your head is still contending with. Cutting may be a helpful tool for yourself that you do not realise is as helpful as it is. Sometimes cutting can become an addiction in itself.

I'm so sorry I can't be more helpful..... ;)

EDIT: I know that's barely any help, but I couldn't think of a solution or particular reason it could be :) :embarassed:

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Maybe it is.

I feel so frustrated and confused. I thought I was over all this. I'm having a hard time with suicidal impulses as well- just random thoughts popping into my head and the feeling that I'd like to do it. Which is just crazy because I've come through so much. It's so stupid.

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Hello!!

It's not stupid at all, whatsgoingon. I can see why it must be frustrating and confusing, but it isn't stupid at all.

You are right, you have come so far. You have come too far to give up. It's just your mind wandering and playing tricks. Occasionally, things have a way of popping back into your head. It's a reminder that we still need to keep up the battle to the very end. I get it all the time. It is very annoying, but you can beat this. Just remind yourself that it is your brain trying to trick you. These random thoughts could be a reaction to the cutting, or they could be a sign of a desire to keep moving on but you're not sure of what is ahead, in store for you. I'm not sure. I'm not very good at psychological analysing. Maybe they are just random thoughts :embarassed:

One thing for certain is that I just know you can get through this, over the top, and down onto the other side of the mountain.....

Stay strong!

((((((whatsgoingon))))))

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Thanks for the support Easyrider.

I saw my pdoc today and explained how I was feeling, she thinks it's a type of depression but wants to see how my lithium levels are before she considers prescribing me an anti depressant. So I guess we have the answer- I am depressed, just not in a way I've previously experienced.

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Hello!!

I'm sorry to hear that, whatsgoingon. At least now you know what is creating these random suicidal thoughts. Last time I was suicidal, I posted here, and I remember two comments that two people posted in response to me that stuck:

"The depression is telling you that it's not worth the effort, that you aren't worth the effort. The depression is lying its ass off. Don't listen to it. It's not you"

"It is a deadly reality that your mind turns against you in depression. It lies"

Please remember these if you feel like you will act on the suicidal impulses. I would hate for anything bad to happen. Have faith in your pdoc, too. You may not have experienced depression in this form previously, but that doesn't necessarily make you ill-equipped for it and to stay strong.

Take care!!

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