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Hello!!

I know I'm not welcome here after the last topic I started, but I don't know what else to do. I tried contacting the "Echo Group" ("Social Support Group For People Who Self-Harm") using four different numbers, but I got wrong number, no answer, wrong number, no answer. I just really needed to get out and go for help today. Today is one of those days where all I want to do is hurt myself ;) I just...... don't know what to do.

Is anyone here?

The weather is so varied here today. It is going from bad to sunny to bad in half an hour. It's reverting between different weathers so much that I can't plan to do anything. I'm struggling to find something to distract myself. I don't really have any answers because I have no questions to ask.

I'm just putting a hand up :embarassed: I feel so horrible, like all I deserve/want is pain and death :) :embarassed: And yeah, I know I have posted these topics before, but I didn't think I had anything to lose..... :cussing: :embarassed:

(edited because of typos)

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Hey Easyrider,

Aww, I want to stay up and talk with you, but it's nearly midnight in Tokyo, and I just asked someone to kick me off, because I can't seem to pull myself off the boards once I get on.

But I wanted you to know someone's here! Sucks that you tried to get help and couldn't.

What can you do to distract yourself? You could write a long post, and I can come read it in the morning? Here are some questions.

1. Why the avatar name?

2. See the film?

3. Tell me about your family.

4. Do you like Guinness Beer? I was just in Ireland and had a pint nearly every night. Tastes like crap over here in Japan tho.

5. Teach me some new British swear/impolite words. I already know todger, shirt-lifter, bangers/mash, plums, sausage fest, laying cable, pushing brown, bollocks, bugger, crab ladder (my absolute favorite!) and wank. Got any more?

6. Pick any topic unrelated to cutting and just write write write.

Goodnight!

lily

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Hey Lily!

I hope you get a good nights sleep.

Well, I love motorbikes. It's the one passion that I haven't given up on in the last few months. I'm learning to ride at the moment, and I have a CB500 waiting for when I pass. I already failed my first test, but I have another one booked for 5th or 7th June (I will know exactly when tomorrow). If it's 7th June, it will be at 08:30am. Woah! But apparently that is the best time, because the examiner doesn't go into the city much due to the traffic. Hopefully I will pass. Anywho, I bought the film Easy Rider like two years ago, but I only watched it about three months ago for the first time. I love it. I love the bikes (especially the ape hangers), the scenery, and just.... everything. I want to go riding around the west coast of America one day. I want to go to the rallies and just ride. The roads are so much better for riding out there. Roads in Britain are wet and bend alot lol! Oh yeah, and my birthday is in 1984. I just kinda plonked them together really. I was trying to pick a name about myself that I didn't think would sound stupid :embarassed:

My family.... well, I have one sister. I live with my Mum and Dad. My sister lives with her boyfriend in the city. She is 24 (2 1/2 years older than me). My Nan lives around the corner. She visits quite a lot. She is coming up today, in about ten minutes :cussing: My other nan (mum's mum) lives down south. That is where my Mum was born. I don't see her much, though I'm actually going to visit her for only the second time in 1 1/2 years tomorrow. The only other time was Xmas 2005. My mum never suggests going to see her for some reason, but we are going tomorrow. I think she decided to visit because I told them about the d-word (see signature) on Tuesday. We spent about ten minutes talking about how we never visit her that evening. My Mum and Dad are both 55. My Nan is 84. My other Nan (mum's mum) is 80. They have been supportive and helpful so far. My sister can be so moody though. She gets at you for some minor things. That's really irritating. I don't get on with my Mum either. I hate her sometimes. I used to hate her alot more. She ignores me most of the time. I don't crave attention, but at least she could acknowledge I am there.

I don't like Guinness beer at all :embarassed: I don't like the taste of it, which is a funny thing to say because I don't like the taste of alcohol at all really, yet I drink some that I can just about stand. I don't really have any particular brands of beer that I favour, but I usually drink Stella, Carlsberg or Heineken. I like beer adverts the best. Alot of them are so funny/stupid (in a good way) to me.

Errr... I've never heard of some of those words/phrases been used impolitely lol! I can't think of any right now that won't offend anyone, or is likely not to offend anyone. There are the obvious phrases like fuck, shit, bollocks, etc, etc, but been creative would be better lol!

I guess this post is pretty long, but I feel like talking about global warming. I hate the fact that it is happening. Why? Why is it happening? It shouldn't be allowed to happen. We have the conscience to stop it happening, but we are letting it happen anyway. We are letting these governments and their trans-national allies get away with this! That's the thing. People don't care. No-one cares. Well, not no-one, but for alot of people it nevers goes beyond "how awful it is". I wish people would act more sometimes. I mean, people are free to act as they please (for me) and I'm not criticising anyone, but this is so serious and a moral issue if not economic. 1 in 4 species will die out as a result! Yeah, yeah, I know, it's not 100% proven, but all the evidence points in the direction that it *is* happening. I joined Greenpeace this year, before I started cutting. Since then I've made one donation. I've been so distracted. I save loads of energy when I can. I wish I could commit to it more right now :cussing:

I just..... don't have much interest in many things lately. If I don't have that aching, throbbing, deep down "missed out" feeling (which I have most days), it's "her" lies in the back of my head. Every day I feel like cutting and suicide. Meh. I'll stop this talk.....

I got a reply from the first "no answer" from the "Echo Group" by the way. It was Judith who runs the group, which apparently has an age range of 18 - late 50's and all types of self-harm. I think it will be good. I am going to their drop-in session on Wednesday. It's from 10 - 1, but I am seeing the counsellor at 10:30, so I will go afterwards :cussing: It should be good. I will be with people who will understand it better and easier, and I can say as little or as much as I like :cussing: Apparently the Monday meetings are more formal and orientated towards the reasons why people do it. I don't feel up to sharing those feelings with new people face-to-face, yet.

I'm a little bit tired at the moment. I'm not sure if it's the medication or not, starting to have an effect. I got about 9 hours sleep last night, so I don't see why I would be tired due to lack of sleep. Maybe the medication is starting to have an effect ;)

Here are the ingredients to my E45:

Active Ingredients: White Soft Paraffin BP 14.5% w/w, Light Liquid Paraffin Ph Eur 12.6% w/w, Hypoallergenic Anhydrous Lanollin (Medilan R) 1.0% w/w. Also Contains: Glyceryl Monostearate, Citric Acid Monohydrate, Cetyl Alcohol, Sodium Hydroxide, Sodium Cetostearyl Sulphate, Carbomer, Methyl Hydroxybenzoate, Propyl Hydroxybenzoate, Purified Water.

I love the ending "benzoate" :)KEEP ALL MEDICINES OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN Rubbing it on scabs is nice. Ahck! I'm talking about cuts again. GGrrrrr @ myself......

Anyway, my Nan has arrived and I feel guilty for been on the computer for so long today. If you managed to read this far, thank you for listening and been so patient. I have rambled lol! though I feel a little better.

I think I might shave this goaty-beard thing off today. It's getting kinda long and I'm a little sick of it. It's taken me months to grow though. I can't even grow a beard lol!

Ahck, it's raining again. Rain is nice sometimes. Right now, the amount of rain we're having lately is getting so annoying. I planned a bike ride one day that has not turned out yet because there hasn't been much sun.

This post is 6617 characters long :)

I think this may make a cure for insomnia...... (there is my self-made hoping-to-be-a shield again :wtf: )

----------

Hi nestling!!

I feel a little better thanks.

How are you?

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Good Afternoon, Easy.

Don't fret. Discussions here, have NOTHING to do with liking / disliking /hating any member.

You are perfectly welcome to post anytime.

Most especially when you are feeling down and distressed. Do you have any friends or relatives that you could arrange to go visit today?

Your description of the weather reminds me of something. When I was little we lived in Camberly Surrey, on the main road south of London, in a "new" house that had a single coal fireplace. My parents favorite memory of the weather forecasts is "Cloudy with bright periods" being a slight exageration for soggy miserable weather.

Best,

a.m.

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Hello!!

Yes, the group runs every week. She has my name, so I am welcome to attend this Wednesday :) I will be nervous, but looking forward to it. I hope to become a part of it and carry on with it. The self-esteem group sessions start in July too (though they will be where my counsellor/psychiatrist work).

I wasn't sure if my last topic was reckless and idiotic A.M, so I didn't know if I was welcome. It didn't feel like it. I'm glad I am :cussing: Today has been a day I need to just get through without hurting myself. I have such an urge to cut my feet for some upsetting reason ;)

Talking lots on here has done good. I hope someone reads it all (if no-one has already, that is).....

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I have always thought to mention to those that say "the weather in this country is horrible", the geographical location of the UK, but this year I have been complaining about the weather myself :embarassed: It's really irritating that at the end of May, I can't go for a simple bike ride without getting wet.....

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Hang in there Easyrider! You're doing great :)

The weather is bloody abysmal, over here in Northern Ireland, it was as cold as a February day today. Damned northerly winds ;)

Lily I have good Northern Irish swear words for you:

Feckin' wee eejut!

Cute wee hoor!

Wind your feckin' neck in!

It is in your hole!

Gobshite!

Shitehawk!

Hoorbag!

:cussing:

Blackbird x (making polite conversation)

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I'm back!

Oooh, thanks Blackbird! I was in Shannon, Galway, Athlone, Tullamore and Dublin just last week, enjoying that crappy weather and Arctic winds. But no one thought to share such eloquent verbiage with me while I was there. Cool! More words for my repertoire!

Hoorbag. I like it! Do you say gobsmacked as well?

ahem.

Easy, you're sounding better. I'm deeply disappointed to hear you don't like Guinness (Blackbird? Any thoughts?) but glad to see Nan has arrived. Now, did you shave the goaty thing off? Being female, it would take me, gah, a good couple of months to get a good goaty going (g), so I know it takes effort.

Glad to hear about the group, too! Now I must go prepare for another work day at the salt mines. Will be back to see you later.

lily

PS. Yeah, cool film, innit? Getcher motor runnin, head out on the highway...

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Hello!!

Hang in there Easyrider! You're doing great ;)
Thanks!! :cussing:
Wind your feckin' neck in!

It is in your hole!

:cussing: LOL! What do these two mean? I have had a guess, but I don't know if I am right :embarassed:

I've finished fretting now, Angelwhore :) Well, I haven't finished fretting, but I have finished fretting over whether or not Crazyboards likes me. Eek! Anyway, thanks!! :cussing:

Thanks Lily! I hope you have a good day at work. I feel better right now. I feel good enough to want to go to bed :) I just find Guinness..... creamy and..... bleh! I'm not sure either, but I just don't like it. Sorry to disappoint you :wtf: I didn't shave the goaty off. I was caught in two minds so I decided not to, just in case. It has taken me forever to grow it, even though it isn't too long, and it supposed to be a beard!! LOL! :embarassed: At 21, I still can't grow one though.

And yeah, the film and soundtrack are both SO awesome! :cussing:

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Hi easyrider!

Just to clarify for you:

Wind your feckin' neck in = don't be so stupid

It is in your hole = I don't believe you

Never let it be said that us Irish are a sweary bunch of foul-mouthed navvies!

Blackbird x

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Hey Easy,

So, didja go to bed? Awright, you don't hafta like Guinness.

Still raining by you? We were supposed to get dumped on today; the radio warned folks to try and get home before the torrential rains started, but it's 9pm and not a drop has fallen yet.

Work was hard today, and will be harder tomorrow. I'd better go eat and get ready.

Let us know how the group meeting and the counseling go on Wednesday!

Blackbird, congrats on the sobriety, please disregard my earlier Guinness question. Sorry!

lily

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Yes. You're quite welcome here. Most people are quite welcome here.

I just find posts about self mutilation with five hundred smiles in them slightly absurd. They make me want to make absurd responses about tap dancing. But hey, if you can't laugh about cutting, what can you laugh about?

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Hello!!

I'm glad I am welcome here :cussing:

Today has been quite sunny, which was strange lol! It will return to rain and wind soon though I think.

My counselling session went quite well. I was there for an hour and a half, until we realised I needed to leave to go to the group. We talked about a lot of things and I was more open with her I feel. I feel as though I ruined or bojjed up the session though :cussing: At one point, I was trying to explain myself, using my notes, on the "missed out" feeling I have. We've talked about it before. Anyway, she kept telling me things and stories after every sentence, which wasn't helping at all, it was just annoying me. In the end, I just told her that she had told me to tell her if she was interrupting too much, which she was, and then the next ten minutes were silence, me looking down and me telling her that she told me to say that. I wanted to leave so badly. After that, it was OK, and I let her read all my notes eventually. It felt like I had said things out of order, in the wrong place :wtf: Overall, it was good though. Quite productive, though my mentality about myself hasn't changed, but I don't expect it to having only been three times. Apparently I shouldn't stop taking my shit medication either ;)

With the "Echo Group", I got there with only 25 minutes left. Wednesday is a drop-in session. I spoke and asked questions with the ex-SI'er that runs it. I met a few members too, briefly. I would be going to go to the session next Monday, that is more formal and discusses why they self-harm. I don't feel ready for group discussions yet, but when I do go on Mondays, I don't have to speak which will be helpful. I can go Wednesday instead, and she said that would be fine. I have another counsellor appointment at 11am on Monday though that I would rather go to.

How are things with you? (directed at everyone and anyone)

I hope work has been going well for you and that you feel OK, Lily. I will give Guinness another try next time I get the chance, just for you :cussing::)

Take care all.

P.S. Velvet, maybe keeping quiet instead of making absurd responses would be better?

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