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Don't want to do this anymore


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So, I saw the psychiatrist on Thursday, and we're going to give up the Zyprexa and go back to Seroquel. Y'know what though? I don't want to do this anymore!! I hate having to take pills every day, I hate the way they make me feel (groggy), I hate that fucking bipolar is a part of my life. GGGRRRRRR!!!!!

Also, I have this weird thing going on at the moment: I'm bored all the time. I have no concentration, I don't even want to concentrate (although I'm making myself with important things, like the dreaded dissertation....). I feel like maybe I would be going mania-wards if it weren't for the drugs - and that's a very tempting reason to stop taking them. I like mania. Well, hypomania - only been properly manic once, but even that was fun - felt like everything was super-sunny and everyone was my loving, laughing friend :)

does this sound familiar to anyone? The whole boredom thing, I mean. Maybe this doesn't make much sense..... oh well..... ;)

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Yes,

I really want to get back to all that energy and liquid speedy thinking process that I a had a month or so ago. Even without that, the worst is the sluggish hazy thinking, and the inertia that makes starting any task so difficult. Maybe I'm a bit bored, but mostly because I don't get out and moving on things.

a.m.

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Yes. Life fucking sucks at the moment. I'm so sure if I dropped my drugs I could be manic, and I want it so bad. For me, mania is freedom- when I'm manic/psychotic I don't have a clue about it, the world becomes so much brighter and more interesting, my mind is filled with conspiracy theories and it's fucking fantastic. Shan't be telling any of this to my pdoc as she'd probably cry.

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...yeah, love the feeling. And then it's spending sprees, and more collectors, and talking so fast no one wants to be around me, and...

And still not getting anything done because even if I'm not sluggish, I'm still such a mess. I can't land on any one thing for any length of time. Or if I manage to do so, I beat the subject to death.

It's a fucker either way.

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Yep. I feel the same way - bored, boring and fat. I have to wonder if I really do just love chaos. one thing for sure I prefer a size 8 - 10 to something a little larger, shall we say. I hate all this. Skipped my meds last night but no mania yet. Just debilitating anxiety which I don't rate very highly.

It's been crappy lately for me too.

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Oh, Jesus, yes, I HATE that "calm, no cycling, no real depression--no real NOTHING" feeling I get when I am "properly medicated" Add that to being forcefully kept inside, basically on the couch right now to let my $90,000 back heal, and you have one most unhappy ---but calm and not cycling--BP girly.

Oh--I can eat, so I do and have gained about 8 pounds in 4 weeks, lovely. Right now, I am planning what I can eat since its "officially " lunch time"

Even the awful off the wall mania I hasd when I took the oral prednisone was better than this--I am the human slug, and I HATE IT!! HATE IT!! Went to Pdoc this AM and tried to make him understand, but of course he thinks its all because I am limited because of the back. Cant' seem to make him see that I just can't/won't/don't have any motivation to do anything.

Sigh--wish I had the nerve to just chunk the drugs, but I am a coward at heart, and my poor hubby, who has done so much for me the last month would shit a brick.

So here I sit--Did you know that if you miss the 5PM episode daily ofd the Gilmore Girls on ABC Family, you can watch it the following AM at 10:30???

china, the TV expert (the FAT one)

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Hey, I'm so glad other people get what I'm talking about! well, obviously not glad, cos what we're talking about sucks, but you know what I mean. It sometimes seems like we spend so much time being good and complying with the med regimes and being so fucking SANE about it all...... but underneath many of us really hate it and would far prefer to be flying high and crazy. Even low and crazy, at least we'd be feeling something that doesn't seem a mere shadow of true emotions. I for one want to be soaring and loving the world..... the only thing keeping me on the meds is knowing that a proper episode could shoot my fledgling career in the foot before it even gets started - but I have to keep reminding myself of this everytime I pop a pill. Bipolar sucks, even when it's under control.

So I'd just like to say (cos I think people don't often enough) WELL DONE EVERYONE WHO IS COMPLYING AND IS RESISTING THE LURE OF THE MARVELLOUS MOODSWINGS!!

(yeah yeah, I know they're not really marvellous, but i tend to forget the bad stuff when it's not actually happening.....)

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I forget the physiological reasons for it, but bipolar individuals are much more likely to have ADD than their non bp counterparts. In addition to concentration problems, feelings of general restlessness, feeling board and not wanting to do anything at the same time, are often part of that. Once you've had the bp stable for a while you might want to read up on that.

FWIW, reboxetine / Edronax is an anti-depressant that's available in most of Europe but not in the US that is also a moderately effective ADD treatment. It's less likely than most ADs to induce mania in bp folks. It's a norepenephrine reuptake inhibitor similar to strattera only with a better side effect profile. If you've got a dissertation to do and can't concentrate worth a shit it might be worth checking out. It or strattera are probobly the only things safe to try until after you haven't had any hints of mania for at least six months or so.

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Well, since my pdoc thinks I AM ADHD, in addition to the BP fun, what abot the Strattera? Will it work? Will the former energetic, motivated, creative, fun person crawl out again? I mean, the stuff is sort of a stimulant, right?

Jesus, I would kill for some plane old bathtub crank, that s how crummy this all is.

(NOTE: the above statement only indicates that I ONCE took illegal drugs, I have no idea where or how to purchase such drugs now, nor would I ever knowingly break the law. A-hem. End of lecture. You may all pick your selves up off the floor, finish your hysterical laughing, and carry on with your lives. Be sure your tray tables are in the upright position.)

Yawn-----china

P.S. A littlel excitement today--my Crohn's disease came back to remind me that I CANNOT eat anything I want. Well, I can, but it sure increases the laundry, if you get my drift--sad but true.

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Chinacat Sunflower:

Strattera is very worth a try, IMHO. If you can handle wellbutrin it shouldn't give you any problems. You may have to drop the wellbutrin to try it though as the two don't always play nicely togather.

If you can get samples of the pediatric doses, that's the best way to start.

Stimulants can be safe for bp folks, but not until you're stabilized to point of being cycle free for several months.

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Woohoo!!! Had a fabulous weekend, out three nights in a row, remarkably little sleep, felt fabulous, wasn't hungry, didn't take my seroquel - hey, I was drinking, it would be irresponsible! - but took a stranger home for the night instead, and didn't want the weekend to end! But it did ;)

Which, on reflection, is probably a good thing... beginning to think this whole wonderfulness thing is something to be worried about......*sigh*

So, I shall behave my silly little self for the week, take my little pink pills, sleep, eat, go to work and generally attempt to be sensible. SO don't want to.... but I know it's probably for the best *bigger sigh*

Wish me luck.....

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