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I just want to die


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;) I just want to die. I'm tired of pretending that I'm anything but a failure. Everytime I try to pull myself up, I'm pushed futher down. I'm sick of this fucking medication that has ruined my memory and taken away my intellect. I'm tired of loving people who don't love me back because I'm not a member of the real world. I'm praying to God right now to just let it end, because I'm too much of a fucking pussy to do anything about killing myself. I'm a nothing, a zero, a negative. I can't even get love and respect from the people in my family. I'm tired of pretending that things are going to get better. I just keep going in circles. I get strong, I try, and I end up losing. What did I do that was so wrong? Why do I deserve this? I just want to stop breathing. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. Please, why can't it end? :)
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honey baby,

i'm so woozy just heading to bed

dealing with stuff

this is going unanswered

i just wanted to put in a little word for you.

hang in.

it's hard hard hard.

but grab onto any spark you can.

keep posting

stay.

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Hey baby,

I went back and looked at your med list. I am not a doc and know nothing, but it sure seems like you're taking quite a bit. Would it be worthwhile to talk to the doc about all these meds?

I know you go round in circles, Jade-baby. We all do. Now, does this feeling come up when you're at the bottom of this cycle? Or is this a new low? In either case, please let's look at the med angle.

I know the Krack addiction takes a lot out of you, and the job thing sucks, and yer mom is (scuse me) a bit of a pain in the arse. And that shit just piles up, don't it? But when we're down we tend to revisit all the sucky things and feel the pain over and over again.

No more of this dying talk! Come back, tell us about the med shit, talk about whatever. Come on, we're waiting!

xo

lily

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I'm so sorry you're feeling so shitty. I really do empathise - I'm in a crappy place right now myself. I also had a look at your meds list and (note - this is all just my opinion) to me it looks like a complete mishmash of things that may be working against each other rather than in unison. I don't know enough about all of them to comment but the Effexor raised a red flag - for me (just my experience of course) it was THE devil drug as far as my BP went. Sent my anxiety through the roof. Please relook at the list with your doc if you can. Or find another doc if all this one wants to do is chuck more and more meds at you.

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Thanks all for the responses,

I'm in a bad place right now because I didn't get a job I wanted and because of my stupid interaction with someone of the the opposite sex. But yes, my meds suck ass. I am too scared to just stop taking one, but I know that something isn't exactly right. I don't see my pdoc for another two weeks, so until then I'm on this "cocktail" for the time being. When I mention not taking Effexor to him, he says "Nope, you need it." I talk about the possible withdrawl effects, he tells me "You aren't even taking enough." He does know that I have so much anxiety every day that I end up taking a benzo in the afternoon, which I guess he thinks is okay (I don't).

I'm still feeling like crap, not understanding why I even belong here or really caring much. But for now, I am here.

Jade

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Hiya Jade-

i've been feeling totally the same way. i look at my med shelf and make plans to kill myself with OD, the way my dad did...i have more than enough meds with heavy interactions to do it...

but i find the will to live. somehow, even though i believe this illness is going to ruin my life in the cycles it comes in, i decide to live every day.

maybe visit another pdoc, or ask for a free consultation with another pdoc (you should be able to find one to comply) and ask about your med list. as a fellow nutcase, i'd really be cautious of those meds.

take care. feel free to vent. the LOON is in the house! lol

loon

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Jade honey,

Second opinion time! Can you get to another doc? This one doesn't sound like he listens, or gives your meds much thought. You don't agree with him, and he doesn't do much to put you at ease.

Baby, if you're feeling this way, you can't wait two weeks to go see some doc who doesn't listen or explain.

Baby, go see another doc if you can NOW NOW NOW.

lily

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Guest FrannyNZooey

;) I just want to die. I'm tired of pretending that I'm anything but a failure. Everytime I try to pull myself up, I'm pushed futher down. I'm sick of this fucking medication that has ruined my memory and taken away my intellect. I'm tired of loving people who don't love me back because I'm not a member of the real world. I'm praying to God right now to just let it end, because I'm too much of a fucking pussy to do anything about killing myself. I'm a nothing, a zero, a negative. I can't even get love and respect from the people in my family. I'm tired of pretending that things are going to get better. I just keep going in circles. I get strong, I try, and I end up losing. What did I do that was so wrong? Why do I deserve this? I just want to stop breathing. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. Please, why can't it end? :)

Jade, sound as if we have the same fucked up parents, if you want to even call them that. I mean I am in worse jam of my life, owe lawyer so much money almost lost him, forensic team not paid yet, so no work done yet for me, and there is so much to clear me, but has to come from them.

I mean you want to talk, I am half Italian half Irish did abuse alcohol but not anymore fuck that, I want to live they are not us, our lives, yes it sucks we got stuck with them, but hey just start thinking you were an orphan, better off that way, seriously. I am done asking, begging, then told sorry we have planned to take my darling only living brothers, yeah only boys counted in that family, his children to Disney World because if they don't he surely won't, oh Boo HOO.

Well I could end up in Muncie Womens prison for 4-8 years, I would like to miss that!

Seriously what told, and told shit like that since I was kid over all my brothers.

Yeah at 40 years old think i am going to give it a rest, they drove me fuckin insane more ways than one!

Don't give them the satisfaction, they won't shed a tear, I am telling you.

You are responsible for your recovery, your health. And that means fighting for YOU!

Throwing out the garbage the toxic thinking, and in with the plans for healthy new you, getting all the help support you need that is available out there.

Go call your doctor now, and read your post to them, this is serious wake up call.

I had them I know them.

Be strong if just to pis them off, by getting better, and never needing them again, now wouldn't that feel good?

Aly

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When I mention not taking Effexor to him, he says "Nope, you need it." I talk about the possible withdrawl effects, he tells me "You aren't even taking enough." He does know that I have so much anxiety every day that I end up taking a benzo in the afternoon, which I guess he thinks is okay (I don't).

I'm still feeling like crap, not understanding why I even belong here or really caring much. But for now, I am here.

Jade

Hi JGD

I hear what your saying...

It is often a question I ask myself,, but, though they may be sometimes a distant , far and few between memory.. there were those good days right/? shit THEY WERE GREAT!!

Well there will be more of em,, probability says we can't be this fucked up all they time so, if we wait and hang in there.. it will get better... non of this ending stuff..

God the number of times... like NOW that I feel like a worthless , useless and unloveable piece of crap,, I am almost convinced of it.. but hey LOOK around at others.. big money makers n all. Ya think they have it together... hmmm..

You will get through this,, I am not and neither are you, the devalued person we sometimes think of ourselves...

A note on meds,, and there always is a mention/suggestions right.... well I was on effexor for years.. ok not great, but ok,,

I have hellish anxiety and ''anger'' issues,, and wow did Cymbalta do the trick for me..

same family but seemed to work better for me, and I could cut some of the other med cuz of it..

jus a thought to through up against the wall and see if it sticks..

all the best

write soon < K?:>

Be Well

David :) [/font=Century Gothic][/color=#993399]

///////////see < I can't get color or font shit to work,, ;) and I will only screem into my pillow :cussing:

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