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I'm a complete mess

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I don't know where to post this. Anxiety? Side effects? Relationships? God knows. I thought I'd stick it here since this is where I hang out the most.

I thought I'd been "maintaining" fairly well over the past week or so. Now I've just crashed. I thought that the med combo I'm on was a fairly solid one and should cover all the possible in's and out's of my own flavour of BP. But now it seems as if the wheels have fallen off. I've been dropping weight incredibly fast over the past month, which I thought wouldn't happen once I was put on seroquel. People are starting to make noises about my having an eating disorder, which is bullshit - I just have no appetite, period. The slightest thing freaks me out and everyone irritates the hell out of me. I had to go to a shopping mall yesterday afternoon and was in tears by the time I walked out. I'm constantly on tenterhooks waiting for my lawyer to let me know whether or not my ex has deigned to respond to the letter that was sent to him last week. I can't concentrate at work and I have a major presentation coming up in 2 weeks time. I feel so fucking useless and just want to crawl out of my own skin. Why the hell is this happening, at a time when I really need to be holding things together? I spoke to the pdoc earlier and she just said I need more sleep and upped my seroquel again. I hate being MI. It's not interesting, it just sucks.

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Yes, it definitely sucks. I've also concluded that the man in your signature guessed right and that life does have a meaning of which I disapprove, and that meaning is suck. Well, perhaps "pain" would be a prettier way of putting it. Just... I'm sorry you're having to wait like this, with no set deadline, just vague anticipation and a lot of anxiety. It sucks.

I've been up all night. Don't mind me.

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sorry youre having a tough time right now. i understand how things can be overwhelming for you. you have ALOT on your plate right now. who wouldnt be overwhelmed???

i hope the upped dosage will bring you some relief soon.

about your weight loss? could it be the wellbutrin? i dont know how long youve been on it but thats what came to my mind.

hang in there and i hope youre feeling better soon!

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There is so much pressure on you Skittle- I feel this way too, and often.

you are sensitive to stress, and this may put you over the edge.

it is time to cut out unnecessary activities and make time for things that will help you balance, like exercise and yoga/meditation.

you are also adjusting to meds. for me, that makes things all the worse. i'm a very bad med-changer.

don't worry about what will come. worry about the moment. don't worry about what you can't change.

i hope this helps. this advice was given to me because i'm in a similar situation (not with your same problems, but with the feelings), and i thought that while it is easier to say than to do, you may benefit.

spending time with animals also helps. buy some lavender oil and wear it/smell it and that should help too. i'm serious!

i'm thinking of you and hoping for the best.


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I don't know where to post this. Anxiety? Side effects? Relationships? God knows.

....Now I've just crashed

. ...But now it seems as if the wheels have fallen off

.....I hate being MI. It's not interesting, it just sucks.

/// MY BOLD ;)

Hey Skittle,

As we have talked about b4, this relationship noose , just gets tighter by the day..

doesn't it... sometimes you think ya have a handle on it but ''' surprise'''

I so wish you well through this,, and it is no wonder your not up to a big 3 square meal

a day.. day.... I think most caring people would be dropping weight,, along with a hella

lot of beers ...

It sucks!! virtual hug

Take care of yourself and what happens ,,, well it happens then is behind you,,,, not

that easy right now though , eh/?

You'll do great with the presentation and all,, it is that wait for 2 weeks to help you

fill with that wonderful and sssssoooo predictable anxiety and doubt..

You will do fine :)

............................don't forget to let me in on the ol.. aka changaroo thingy,, hint hint


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Thanks for the kind words everyone. I'm just in a completely pathetic frame of mind. If I could I'd just hide under my bed for a week or two. But the cats need to be fed (and the lawyer needs to be fed money), so that kills that idea.

This is all really about the divorce and my chickenshit ex who's refusing to take responsibility for anything. I think he just wants me to vanish into the ether and never bother him again. Hah. I'm thinking of starting a Springer thread so I don't bore everyone here senseless with this.

Oh, the Wellbutrin - I've been on it since Feb, so I'm not sure how big a role it really is playing in the weightloss. I know that I shouldn't take my meds (which I obviously have to 3x a day) on an empty stomach, so I just live on vegetable soup and apples. I am a vegetarian after all, rapidly turning into a vegan, so that's my excuse for now.

Enough of this. Thanks again for reading/listening.

Edit: tv - don't forget to tell us how the new group therapy is going.

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Hi Skittle,

Just wanted to come over and say hello. Hi!

Sure, start a Springer! You will be welcomed, I am sure!

Wanting to send you some good energies in your situation with soon to be ex and so forth.

I found it incredibly stressful, for the major part of 4 years, to be in the divorce process. I kept

having to wait and have things go to my lawyer, then to his lawyer, then to him, and then back the same way.

The reams of paper generated by this insanity sat along three of my living/dining room walls for most of

that time. Also had the same bed, dresser, dining table etc even though I was in a different home than we lived in together.

I found it incredibly draining. An undercurrent of sudden potential unmanageability...hit with surprise subpoenas and crap ... it is hard, and I am wanting you to know that I get it.

I also lost 25 pounds when we first separated. I went to work, had no appetite, was on meds which worked sometime and sometime not. Tremendous amount of grief, even though I had known we weren't happy and might separate...I had no other life, really, as close as the 2 kids, him, and his family...sure I went to

work but it was as if I did not know what future I had. Sometimes each day was an existential abyss.

I went to some divorce reconvery group series, which helped in that both other men and women were feeling as if they'd been hit by a truck; lots of weight loss, weight gain, tears tears tears.

So it's yukky. As someone had told me, I began to have better days. I still feel as if I am living in a new life, that what I was used to was ripped away, so things are more...tentative. I kind of feel like I won't ever feel a settled kind of connectedness again.

So I've my dog & cat from then (they are 14 now). My boys and I are close; they are adults now (young ones!)

Impermanence...that's what I came away with. Once the dust settled.

Also the legal thing was really so stressful that it hung on after it was over. Bah.

You take care. Meds won't make it all just peachy.

Sending you good wishes and strength and fortitude and ... kleenex!


ps. A friend of mine (might be 59 now) and her husband moved to South Africa about 8 years ago. She and her spouse are psychoanalysts...trained in England, raised a family here .... managed care kind of dried up their client base...anyhow!

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Oh, thanks Luli - that was a great post and I appreciate it.

I found it incredibly stressful, for the major part of 4 years, to be in the divorce process. I kept

having to wait and have things go to my lawyer, then to his lawyer, then to him, and then back the same way.

FOUR YEARS?! Shit. My lawyer is so expensive (aren't they all) that we're trying to do as much as possible via email contact. This means obsessively checking my mail 1000 times a day, naturally. He knows I'm BP and treads very delicately around me. If the whole situation weren't so awful I'd laugh about that - it seems he hasn't come into contact with someone who really has a "scary mental illness" (cue twilight zone music)

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Sorry skittle. That's a lot to deal with. Are you able to see a therapist at all? I have to go back into

therapy as the therapy at the loony bin really seemed to help me.

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