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I talked about this with my tdoc today-

When do we disclose?

I think I've put up this topic before, but with so many new members, I wanted to circulate it again.

Especially in romantic relationships, this is a tricky one. Do we tell them RIGHT AWAY "hey, BTW, I'm crazy", or into it a bit, like on a serene walk "hon, something I want to let you know", or when you have a ring on your finger (or on someone else's finger) oh, ooopps, forgot to mention I've been in the psych ward a few times...

What would you suggest?

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Loon,

It is really hard to say. I disclosed to my (now) wife that I suffered from Major Depression and had spend time in a loony bin right when we started dating seriously. I figured she had the right to know if she was going to try to have a permanent relationship (which was what we both were looking for). But a year after we were married, I was diagnosed bipolar and now she says it is more than she bargained for and accuses me of hiding it from her.

Tommy

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I talked about this with my tdoc today-

When do we disclose?

Especially in romantic relationships{/quote]

hey Loon,,

Boy is thatat is one hella good question..

Has me thinking,, I know she is going to smile and be all interested like

then ... GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE AS FAST AS POSSIBLE AND DISAPPEAR

I have tried all orders,, sad to say... but the ones that worked out best...

shit, they were ladies from .. hate to say this .. oh God.... group therapy

Yep that's right , they heard my tales of BP n other 'oddities' . but were forced to hang

around long enough to find... wow ,, they are people to ,, not that nuts either..

As for most social gatherings,, have just given up,, cuz that question you pose kills me..

I am so obsest with it.. that I flounder about like a fish in a boat,, I think they even

have a better chance of survival than I do.. LOL ((with a lump in my throat...))

Having said that,

on the rare occation that a chance falls my way,, I hold this info till I have

set the stage on a couple of dates,, yep,, I try to demonstrate and point out all the

normal parts of my life and that I am basically stable.. well till I get dumped anywho...

then I slide it in with a very direct and matter of fact , not guilt or shame, that I have

an illness ,, and that it is BP which I have had a long time and have come out OK..

To go any longer is a waste of both our time, if she bolts for the door ... and it is only

fair.... to her and me.. why beat a dog that is about to hit the wall down the road..

Never would I consider taking the time and building false hope , I would be another

stab to the heart and certain do wonders for the '' wonderful self image and esteem''

I hold for myself..

Now I have been doing this for years so may be a bit jaded.. 2x married though the

first had 'other' contributing factors , leading to the loss of one great person.

well that is my take on it...

all I can say is don't YOU invest yourself into something too deep ;) , that might

hurt you deeply in the end..

goood luckkk . truly

be well

David

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I started a thread on this in the work forum last summer. To summarize: DON'T do it unless you are sure of what your boss will think. If you get any negative vibes at all: DON'T do it. I guess in relationships it can go either way. I've had a SO who was fucking horrible (see old relationship thread ;) ) and one who also knew from the beginning and it was the best choice I could have made.

It's a crap shoot.

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To summarize: DON'T do it unless you are sure of what your boss will think.

During one of my first hospitalisations (there have been 5 in total plus a quick 3 day one earlier this year) they had me sign a disclosure form of sorts that basically gave them permission to contact my boss. I was seriously out of it at the time and didn't really know what I was agreeing to. This led to them contacting her, having her write a letter discussing the impact of my illness on my work, and then actually having her come in to the clinic to talk to me with a mediator present. It bloody sucked. And I'm not even sure it was legal and my tdoc (who came in specially to see me - he was working out of another hospital) was absolutely furious when he found out what had happened. Imagine your worst nightmare about disclosure coming true and you'll get the picture.

As for disclosure to friends/family... I do it very very selectively. My brothers and sister (for all that they have their own fair share of psychiatric problems AND my eldest brother is on AD's) have each shared the opinion that I need to get off my meds asap. Anything from me about how I will be on these drugs for life is just met with deaf ears. Close friends know and understand - mostly I think because they're all either in or have been in therapy haha. My soon-to-be-ex husband is more batshit crazy than I am, so there were never any problems there with his knowing. Hell, I felt normal next to him. Heh.

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My soon-to-be-ex husband is more batshit crazy than I am, so there were never any problems there with his knowing. Hell, I felt normal next to him. Heh.

Oh Skittle,, I am so relating with this....

My x wife was so spun, I couldn't come close to figuring

out what she was ranting about.. hell, couldn't extrapolate

what , where and how it started and God knows where it

was going.... and then why???

blip blip,, back to 'normal' and couldn't understand the

''deer in the headlights'' look eminating from me... go figure

The real nut jobs haven't been /won't let themselves be diagnosed.

a hhh denial...

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I do disclose things fairly often even to strangers. But, I don't use labels such as 'bipolar' (if you ask me, the term is both poorly understood as well as overused).

"Oh, I've had depression." -- No surprise, generally met with "Oh, so have I" or at least "Oh yeah, my [relative/friend/etc] battled with it for quite a while."

"Sometimes I have a bad temper." -- "Like when?" -- *explains* -- "Well, I think I would to, at that situation!"

"My moods can change around a lot, so sometimes I'll be depressed and often I'll be happy instead." -- met with "we all have our ups and downs..."

It does lead people to trivialize my issues, but at least I'm basically telling them the truth and not hiding potentially unpleasant surprises from them.

My family pretty much gets the full-on facts, though they more often than not stick their fingers in their ears and go "LA LA LA LA LA nothing's wrong with you LALALALALA". In some stroke of perverse fortune (or perhaps a mixed blessing), this often results in me blowing my top. At which point, they in fact are convinced that something is wrong. =D

I'd feel comfortable hinting to a girl who was interested in me that I've definitely had some harsh ups and downs in my life (for some reason, most people feel that solely the environment I've lived in the past 22 years could easily induce batshittiness to my degree - without biological diathesis). In any event, my BP2 is depression-predominant and the only signs of hypomania for me are pressured speech and 'getting too much done', not to mention sleeping a little less.

Depression seems to be far more common (and therefore more accepted) among the masses, and I don't think anybody's going to shun you if you mention that you experience harsh episodes of 'the blues' every so often.

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I tend towards liking the idea of hanging around him a bit, and showing him what areas of my life are stable and what I've worked hard for, and then starting to disclose that I have "moods", and then work up to "hey, I have BP". I don't know. It is all so hard.

While guys seem attracted to BP women (at least in my experience), they often run for the hills when it is disclosed that there is a major illness.

I would also need to explain, if he ever was in my kitchen and noticed, why an entire shelf is devoted to being the neighborhood psych pharmacy. I could move the meds- but I don't like being dishonest or changing my house around to hide my disorder.

I have high hopes that Zyprexa will be my salvation and allow me to live with fewer and milder symptoms than anything in the past. I have high hopes that my current tdoc will help me with issues and to see things in a better perspective. In short, I have high hopes that my illness will be mild enough not to scare a guy off.

The boyfriend who was with me for a year was through 2 hospitalizations with me. I also am seeing someone casually who I met at the pdoc, so he is psycho too (MDD), and my ex-husband was with me for 6 years and never held my disorder against me.

Gosh, I've had so many boyfriends, but I've never had "the talk". I've always used the same excuses, like PMS, migraines, allergies (for being sleepy or dopey), having "a day", something on my mind, whatever. I'm sick of hiding behind the screens in relationships.

Enough of my rant! I need more ideas. What and when should I spring it? "OH hon, BTW, I'm psycho"??!!

;) loon

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A lot of times, when I get to know people, I often [though not ALWAYS], talk about things as though they already know. Of course, if it is the first day I am introduced to a friend's friend and we are having lunch, I am not going to have a detailed conversation about my medications. But in my life, I have to take my medication, I need to go to doctor's appointments. Sometimes I have migraines, sometimes I just don't feel good, sometimes something odd happens on the way to the doctor, something funny happens at the pharmacy.

People learn about other aspects of my life this way most of the time. I realize I often talk as if people already know, unless I am telling a specific anecdote or they ask me straight out.

I don't like hiding it and letting it build up. I don't go around saying "Hi everyone! I have bipolar and I take These medications. Want to see?" But some things come up, and I don't want to hide them.

The only occasion I can remember actually telling someone "officially" is when I caught up with a friend from highschool recently and told her.

Other than that, I don't want to have a big talk, because it is stressful, but it is also as though there is something wrong with me, and I don't want to find out later that person is a jerk. If they have a problem with who I am, I would rather know sooner than later. Eventually, someone would usually ask what is going on if they are comfortable enough.

I don't know that was any help.

...

Though, thinking about it, there are the times when I just don't tell at all- like my mother's friends, or weird social relationships like that. I guess that wouldn't really apply here. But that would generally be when I say it's something else that is going on. Which sucks and I guess that is why I really don't want to have "official" talks.

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I tend towards liking the idea of hanging around him a bit, and showing him what areas of my life are stable and what I've worked hard for,
Yep,, I agree.. that is my game plan.. no need to jump into it on the first cocktail .. right?

Enough of my rant! I need more ideas. What and when should I spring it? "OH hon, BTW, I'm psycho"??!!

:) loon

LOL

Hey, Loon,, I was thinking though... maybe I should... kinda mention ...

on that first '' special night''

>> Oh,, just so you know and are ok with it.... in the AM,, should you find me curled up

under the bed,, or maybe clinging to the ceiling writing equations.. don't worry 'bout it.,

could be one of those days.. and not to worry >>

;) Well I am working on the subtilties a bit more... but ya think I am heading

in the right direction :cussing: JOKING >>>>>>>>

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I love you topless!! you've made me laugh so hard!

(waking up cuddled next to him)- yeah, hon, I need you to know that if i'm acting a LITTLE strange, it is ONLY my psychiatric illness, and I need my meds... GIVE ME MY ZYPREXA! ;) LOL

And Navy, that is a good idea, to just not bring it up directly, but let them figure it out, or have the guts to ask me.

But something in me feels the need to be direct. Not have an official Talk, but to somehow let him know I'm not all there.

Maybe something slight like "I have these moods sometimes, like sometimes I'm so on top of it and sometimes I feel really bad- just expect that".

Good idea?

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ive recently disclosed to a friend whom i email with and whom i lost contact with a few years ago as my craziness started to escalate. she emailed me back and was very supportive. she hinted that she had issues of her own but would save it for another time because she didnt want to overwhelm me or make me sad. i emailed her back i told her that it was okay to share with me if she wanted to.

BUT and heres where this ties into this posting...

Maybe something slight like "I have these moods sometimes, like sometimes I'm so on top of it and sometimes I feel really bad- just expect that".

in my last email i told my friend it was okay to share with me but I also said this:

But I do want to be honest with you and say that there may be times where I may not be able handle things like what you may tell me. Sometimes bad stuff triggers my moods or cycles and I cant predict when. But im doing okay right now. At least I think so anyway. so if you wanna talk to me, you can. I hope that I don

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I remember Tommy saying in one of his posts that his wife was of the opinion that while she knew he had MDD going into the marriage, that he somehow knew he was BP and didn't tell her, and held that info from her, and she got more than she bargained for.

That's really why this is such an issue for me, and why I obsess about it so much. I don't want anyone ever thinking I deceived him.

I want to be upfront, but not scare him off unnecessarily, but not get into that intimate mode and work it in somehow.

Maybe over the wine date we're planning, after a couple of drinks, I can add in that I have a DX of BP, and while I have that label, it doesn't define who I am and doesn't change me in a bad way. In fact, I think it has made me a better person. I think in that kind of atmosphere, with a couple of drinks ;) , and especially with time to be positive about it, the better off it will come and my chances of scaring him away will be minimized. Especially if I'm my beautiful self and there is LOTS of cleavage involved! lol

:)

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I tend towards honesty and intuition. If the subject happens to arise (due to my behaviour, seeing the drugs, whatever...) I tell them I have bipolar (or manic depression) then generally have to check what they understand by that. Sometimes people run a mile - one did recently - but as a non-crazy friend said "if someone can't deal with it, or doesn't want to, then they're obviously not the one for you". So very philosophical and wise! Personally, I think that's probably the best approach to adopt.

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I love you topless!! you've made me laugh so hard!

(waking up cuddled next to him)- yeah, hon, I need you to know that if i'm acting a LITTLE strange, it is ONLY my psychiatric illness, and I need my meds... GIVE ME MY ZYPREXA! :) LOL

warning,, this is in bad taste and is ONLY A JOKE::

loon

how about the situation if::

she wakes next to you in the morning and looking down says:::

'my ,, someone looks wide awake and eager for more.. (laughingly)

and my response is:

.......actually , hon , I really am not in the mood ,, feeling a bit

down today,, so was just practicing my seppuku under the covers... sorry'''

Now I warned you it was in bad taste,, but it flashed thru my little brain.. neuron to neuron..

David ;)

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So, I ended up writing to him (email) because we were having a conversation about honesty, and I said that I didn't want to lie by omission. I told him about my bipolarity, treatment, and so on. Just a bit about it. He doesn't have a problem with it.

Still, he's just one particular male. The general population still must be evaluated!

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Heya Loon,

Applause for being honest.

DH isn't sure yet, bipolar doesn't really fit into his worldview, and he (like herrfous mentioned) minimizes it a lot.

I think it's important to be straightforward about it, b/c some people just.can't.deal.

I've told my friend -- a fellow professional who then told me she was concerned (the only outside corroboration I have for my mixeds, which helped my psychiatrist a lot) and then told me she'd been suicidally depressed before. And my two ADHD guy friends from med school (who I see once a year at a conference), who nodded and said, okay.

And my dad, whose response to my statement "Well, I'm crazy, which I get from mom's side I think" was, "I just think you're the only one who admits it."

If I knew I was bipolar when I started seeing DH? Knowing me I would have said, hey, just to let you know, I'm bipolar, and here's what that means. The same way I actually *did* say, well, I'm planning on med school, so probably you shouldn't get involved with me.

I hope things go well with this guy.

;)

--ncc--

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