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I can't believe myself


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I thought it was ok. I mean, I haven't exactly been ok, but i thought i would be able to keep the urges under control. Today would have been 57 days without self-injury. I'm shaking... I'm speechless... I can barely even find the words to type. I should have know that with everything falling apart I would slip. I just feel so bad. I'm crying and shakey and can't even think clearly. I don't even know what I'm typing anymore.

I'm sorry for being here

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i'm sorry ophelia.

i'm sorry that things got so bad that things are worse than they were before.

i'm sorry that you are in so much pain that you cut. if i could take it away even just for five minutes i would.

but you know, 56 days is a long time.

next time it could be longer. some day it will be a year, then two, then five and....

you have shown extraordanary strength and have had to push down so much to just keep going. and i am proud of you for those 56 day, proud of you for being here, proud of you for talking about cutting today, proud of you for your strength and empathy.

take care of yourself.

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56 days is so long, Ophelia. Seriously. That's a long long long long time.

I probably don't go 56 days between cuts a lot of the time and I don't even really consider myself a "cutter" anymore.

I'm sorry that things are so shitty for you right now that you slipped. But it doesn't take ANYTHING away from the strength that you show every day.

I don't ever really feel like I say the right things, so I don't know...

We do what we have to do to get through each day. Sometimes we end up doing things that kind of suck, that aren't really the most adaptive things ever. Cutting is one of those things. It isn't "evil" or "especially bad" or anything like that. It's a gesture of pain like any other- no moral judgement or hierarchy. You do what you have to do to keep yourself intact from one day to the next, you know? You do what you have to do to survive.

That's why I don't know if I like the counting of the days. It never worked for me. "Day one" is so depressing, especially when the more realistic (to me) way to look at it is day 58-with-a-slip.

:smootch:

I'm sorry if any of this is inappropriate. I don't really know how to talk about this stuff very well.

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I'm sorry if any of this is inappropriate. I don't really know how to talk about this stuff very well.

no no what you said was perfect.

it is no worse than other things. it's not the best thing, but if it gets you through the day and you need it then it got you through the day. it's just a thing that sucks to need.

and you're right. 58 days with a slip up. why have a day 1 again. there's no need.

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I thought it was ok. I mean, I haven't exactly been ok, but i thought i would be able to keep the urges under control. Today would have been 57 days without self-injury. I'm shaking... I'm speechless... I can barely even find the words to type. I should have know that with everything falling apart I would slip. I just feel so bad. I'm crying and shakey and can't even think clearly. I don't even know what I'm typing anymore.

I'm sorry for being here

Ophelia, you did the right thing and talked about it here. Don't ever be sorry for being here, you have no reason to be sorry. You are a good person, I really enjoy talking to you when you come to chat. I wish that I could find the right words to help you...

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honey, huge big congratulatory hugs. 57 days! that's awesome. be proud of yourself - you are human. we cannot just "give up" on these things, like we cannot just "get well".

perfection is only there to be admired not grieved.

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I'm sorry for being here

Oh, Ophelia, please don't ever feel you have to say you're sorry to come here!

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad, but the one thing you can count on is that things never stay the same so it will get better. Fifty six days is a huge amount of time and one slip is just that - one slip. I don't cut, but I binge eat and have for about the past 35 or 40 years and I've never gone 56 days without a chocolate fix; I'm very impressed.

Now that you know that you've hung in there for so long, you can do it again. It sounds like you've made a hell of an effort to develop some other coping skills to deal with pain and I congratulate you. One slip doesn't make all that hard work go away or turn into ashes.

I don't know who said it originally but it has given me comfort when I'm crawling along the bottom of the abyss: Every moment you get to make a new choice. All the past is just that - the past. So in this moment you can choose something different without blaming yourself for what you think you did wrong before.

It's a thought that gets me out of that "always/never" sand trap in my brain that I manage to get caught uo in all the time.

I hope you start feeling better. Let us know how you're doing.

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Hello!!

I'm sorry to hear things feel bad for you right now.

I think you should count today as 57-days-with-a-slip, too. You went 56 days without cutting. That is super excellent!! I'm so happy for you and proud that you had the strength and determination to go that long without cutting. I wish I could. You went 56 days without cutting, at times feeling really horrible I'm sure, so making a few cuts is allowed as a slip. You've proven to yourself you can do it. You shouldn't start the count again. If you really feel that you can't continue the count, then start again and try to beat 56 days. I know it's not a competition or "high-score" (what a horrible way to put it if someone did), but you have shown yourself how you can fight the urges. Don't feel bad. This doesn't make you any less of a person or any less of a fighter.

Don't be sorry to come here, Ophelia. I want you to be here. You always help me and make me feel better. You contribute considerably to the thing that brings me back to CrazyBoards every time I turn my computer on. And I'm not saying any of this just simply to try and make you feel better. I want you to feel better, but I'm saying this in an attempt to write down what I'm thinking. You should also be here because you want to be here, because it helps you when you feel horriible.

(Also, Ophelia is a beautiful name, or username)

Please post again letting us know how you feel.

Take care!!

((((((((((((((((((((Ophelia))))))))))))))))))))

------------------------------------

Sorry if any of this sounds a little patronising. It isn't supposed to be at all

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it means a lot to me that people responded to this. i was going to just erase. reading some of your responses really did make me cry... I just get frustrated because I sometimes feel like I should know better and have more self control. I mean, I have been cutting since I was 13 years old so this isn't at all new to me. it just seems so... i dont know.

and i scare myself... because when i start, i don't just "slip up." I would not call myself one who has "little slip ups." And now I am afraid that it will become habitual again... I don't know.

I would write more, but I have to go bc I am being yelled at. I'm sure you guys have all endured enough of my bitching anyway...

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Remember that slipping up doesn't make the 56 days in a row without cutting go bye-bye. They still happened. They still count. You didn't mess any of them up. You still had 56 days without cutting. Don't forget that while you're getting your next 56 or so.

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Ophelia, never feel bad about being here. I've literally clung to the futon until meds take me down trying not to cut or burn. We are all together in this and can support each other in ways that "normal" people can't

I'm proud of you for those 56 days.

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it means a lot to me that people responded to this. i was going to just erase. reading some of your responses really did make me cry... I just get frustrated because I sometimes feel like I should know better and have more self control. I mean, I have been cutting since I was 13 years old so this isn't at all new to me. it just seems so... i dont know.

and i scare myself... because when i start, i don't just "slip up." I would not call myself one who has "little slip ups." And now I am afraid that it will become habitual again... I don't know.

I would write more, but I have to go bc I am being yelled at. I'm sure you guys have all endured enough of my bitching anyway...

Opie, you broke the habit and you had a relapse. You can overcome the urge again. The magic number I've seen for making or breaking a habit is 21 days. Just one time does not a habit make but you have to continue to work hard at not cutting.

We're here for you any time you feel the need to bitch. Don't worry about sparing us from your bitching, if you need to do it, then do it. Whatever keeps you semi-sane....

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ok, i don't get this. if someone is trying not to smoke, & they have a cigarette, no one tells them they're a failure, instead everyone says 'well, you made it x number of days, you can do it again. it's a learning experience....' i've read lots of articles that talk about how you practice quitting until you can do it for good. why would we treat this any different? when people fight an addiction, no one beats them up for a screw up...instead it's all about learning from the experience. why should this be any different?

hell, i have to point out that although you cut the world did NOT come to an end, either in my town or yours. clearly, cutting once is NOT the end of the world. now, i am getting from your post that you are a pretty severe cutter, so this is troubling to you....but dammit, why in the hell are you making yourself like somekind of total failure? you went w/o cutting once, you can do it again.

life is not some kind of endless test where you get graded for how perfect you are...it's a never-ending journey & the point of the trip is to keep learning as you go and keep trying when you don't get it right.

so you fucked up once. ok, fine. the question is now, can you go another day w/o cutting? better question: can you find a better coping method? best question of all: can you look at this as a journey through finding better coping methods, with the goal being a positive proactive one of learning the best way for you, instead of a negative goal of simply not doing something & staying stuck in pain? which path do you want? simply choosing a path, and desiring it with all your heart, is a worthy goal and a path in and of itself.

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I have opened Pandora's Box. One slip and now I'm fucked. It is the pattern that has happened to me every single time I have tried to stop... and I have gone longer than 56 days... but once I break, I can't stop. It gets wearing to do this all the time. I guess it is almost like I used so much strength supressing the urges. I mean, they were there, but i didn't act on them; i pushed them away, per say. Now, it is like the urge I was struggling to push down and fight, has overpowered me, taking all of my energy to fight back in the process. I don't know if that makes sense. When I had something that triggered me, I wouldn't cut... and I had some really horrible shit going on in the last 3 months... but i tried to fight so hard

ok, i don't get this. if someone is trying not to smoke, & they have a cigarette, no one tells them they're a failure, instead everyone says 'well, you made it x number of days, you can do it again. it's a learning experience....' i've read lots of articles that talk about how you practice quitting until you can do it for good. why would we treat this any different? when people fight an addiction, no one beats them up for a screw up...instead it's all about learning from the experience. why should this be any different?

yes, quiting an addiction does take time, there is no question about that. I have done this since I was 13, I feel as if I should have the "practice" thing down by now. i don't know.

Alternatives... any of the ones I have tried don't work for long. I mean, I haven't tried the whole lot of them, but I am somewhat limited in what I can do in my current living arrangements...

I just feel like I'm falling apart and upset with myself about this. you guys say i shouldn't, i know. 56 days is... I mean, yeah, 56 days without cutting, but still... I get mad at myself for everything, even when it doesn't involve cutting and just in life. I feel that I am just shit and I feel guilty... and then the vicious cycle....

i'm sorry

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Hello!!

You don't need to apologise for anything. You have nothing to be sorry for.

I don't think you can apply the "practice makes perfect" philosophy to cutting. You can try to work on alternative coping mechanisms, none of which seem to work for you, but I think that if you have done it for years that doesn't mean you should necessarily be able to "deal with it" or "know what to do". Feeling the need to cut is deep inside, it isn't a learned skill. Don't be hard on yourself because you have no reason to be.

56 days was tremendous!! It may not feel like it, but it certainly was. You're not fucked now. You can do it, I know you can. Hey, you broke the cycle before, right? What you have said does make perfect sense to me. It takes a lot of energy to distract yourself and fight the urges. As with anything that takes time and effort, it wears you down. Mental exercise is often more draining than physical exercise I have found over a longer period. Like you have said, it is a habit, but you can nuke this habit! It can be done even if you've been doing it for years. I wish I was more like you (hope that doesn't sound stupid and makes sense). The urges were there for me today and I cut. I didn't cut badly, but I cut, but if I had even an ounce of the strength you have I wouldn't have cut.

Could you try listening to music?

I keep recommending this idea to people, even though I've no idea if they have tried it or not. I find listening to Pink Floyd helps because I can relate to the lyrics (and it's just so damn cool!).

Take care!!

I'm not the best advice-giver, but I hope this helps you, however little, so so much.

Please let me know how you are doing.....

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i knew it would not stop. i am having so much trouble controlling my impulses... with cutting, with other things... once i start, it is so hard for me to get a handle on things again and i don't know how long it is going to take me to fucking gain control. i have no control over myself.

i feel really bad right now and i'm just... ugh... i feel triggered right now and i dont *want* to do anything, but I just don't know what i'm doing...

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Hello!!

Do not feel guilty or bad for not been able to stop cutting once you started. None of this is your fault at all.

I'm just.... I'm sorry I can't find the right words to make you feel better. I wish I could. I just want you to know and remember next time you feel like cutting that you can re-gain control, you don't deserve this, you can close the box again, and that it is your brain talking and not you.

I hope you feel better, really soon.

(((((Ophelia)))))

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now i have made it through a week... and i am using ALL and I really mean ALL of my strength to keep myself safe.... but the thoughts are so strong that I am scaring myself and don't think I can even make it the next few days.

I feel so week and drained

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