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empty, sad, anxious..need support...


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I'm feeling really down today.

I'm also scared of being ignored. Sorry to start a new thread, but I really do need support...some reassurance that I am a real human being and that I exist and that I have feelings.

I feel so empty inside...ate a load of chocolate, and feel sick now, I know its a futile attempt to fill the emotional hunger inside...I know in some part of me that chocolate won't fill that...but I feel so...anxious....its a Sunday, no work, I'm alone, and no people to cause anxiety, but I'm thinking of taking a propranolol anyway....

I..... know that this depression feeling is a defence against deeper feelings I have yet to identify and feel.....I feel how hard I'm defending myself against it...

I can't seem to find the words....

I feel Iam unable to reach anyone. Its an awful feeling, I know the feeling, but that doesn't make it any easier.

Sorry to ask for help. I really am. Please don't be angry with me.

..and, its a really warm day today, but I am really cold. wooy jumper and socks and still I'm shivering...

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(((((nestling)))))

never ever angry with you. you're always so lovely.

even when you're in pain.

now i'm a bit spacely so i might not be of much help

but wanted to say i'm here and listening.

i see you and hear you and

respect you as a person

you

in pain

not in pain

anyway you are

continuing to heal.

much LOVE.

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Yeah I woke up today at 6am and just forced myself to sleep til 11 because well there just wasnt anything to get up for. The persistant loneliness is becoming unbearable. Sundays I have no where to crash at outside of the apartment, I want to belong somewhere and be around people I know. I feel weepy and lost. Driving makes me feel aimless and like whats the point. I'm moreso lonely than depressed. I want to just sleep the day away but I will feel disappointed in myself that I cant get out of this rut. I thought of going to the Borders bookstore and lounge around and read for a few hours but seeing couples and families may make it miserable and envious. I think I need to take a adderall to jumpstart or I would end up sleeping for hours...

yes you are human

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Hello!!

Of course I'm not angry with you. How could I be? ;) If you need help and support, you should always, always speak up and ask for it. There is no ignoring to be had.

I'm sorry to hear you feel down today. A day always seems that much harder when you have no plans or there is no-one around. It's really warm here too, though inside in my room it feels OK. Not too warm, not too cold.

Anyway, try listening to some music. I know that always calms me down. Choose some music that suits your mood. Try to find a way of getting the anxiety and sadness out in the open. Whatever you do, don't just keep eating and eating. Eventually, that will make you even worse, especially with chocolate.

Take care!!

I am thinking of you. I really wish I could help you more..... :)

((((((((((nestling))))))))))

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thank you ML.

I feel really shaky...a bit spacey too, myself...but like I am lost in space...I know these are very early feelings...and I have to go through them to get out the other side....

I haven't eaten any lunch. Just had fruit juice and then the chocolate later.

I had 12 hours sleep (much needed) last night...I 'should' be feeling better....'should', but....

Like nothing can satisfy me...I know where its coming from, but find it hard to reassure myself...can't quite reach my inner therapist type...

Trying to remember my pdoc saying I need to learn to tolerate the despair etc....but I find I'm like gritting my teeth and holding on.....work exhausts me but keeps me occupied....days off ought to be refreshing and rejuvenating...but I'm not finding that...I feel trapped....

I will get through this...I will.....

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Thank you Sensation and ER...sorry you're feeling down too, Sensation...I know what you mean about seeing families and such...I get really annoyed right now at couples - esp those with kids - who take up the whole pavement and will not move aside for one little me with shopping bag, unless I ask them too...like I am invisible and don't need room... (I know this is connected to jealousy and other feelings around my flatmate being pregnant....)

music....definitely a Wagner day....Tristan Und Isolde. The original German. Its the only music I know that soothes and echoes the sorrow and heartache in my heart and belly. *sighs*

Flatmates are out...but could return any moment which means I have to get offline...The cat is totally unresponsive and runs away when I approach...rarely does he let me pick him up. and then my flatmates are on hol for 2 weeks at the end of the month, guess who has to look after fur-petals? (who has anxiety/PTSD of the feline variety). Now, if he was the cute and cuddly kind.....

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Yeah living around a couple can stir up feelings. I hate being around family members who have ready made families cause I feel inadequate with just me, plus I feel patronized by them somehow. Maybe going for a walk would push those feelings out that you are having. I just have no where to go right now that I am motivated for.

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Thank you Sensation.

I've had my 'out' time for the day...walks are hard right now, as I'm always looking behind me still....

I'm going to have dinner soon, along with a propranolol I think. And then listen to Wagner and do some colouring. Then read, remeron and bed.

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Thank you ML.

I'm feeling a little better now...there's more room to breathe....more space in my heart....

Therapy tomorrow...and I guess I'm scared as I need to talk about my feelings about the break....that's part of it, I feel...also, its hard for part of me to believe that I do actually still have therapy....the break feels like its already started...the sense of 'rejection'. and of me pushing away before to lessen the pain...but it doesn't make it any less painful...I know that from painful past experience....

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~nestling~

I hope in therapy tomorrow you'll be able to talk to your therapist about her upcoming holiday like you did that woman at work recently that had been a jerk to you. That turned out so well I can't help hoping that your therapist will react in a similar fashion. I don't think it's right for her to just leave you to yourself for five weeks. I remember at one point when I was in therapy going twice a week and when the therapist wanted to switch to once a week I about lost it, especially since the reason for the change was the insurance company and had nothing to do with where my head was at.

Tell your therapist that you've started hanging out with a whole bunch of rude and obnoxious Americans (gasp!!!), and besides being typical Americans who will all show up on her doorstep in their trainers and awful ill-fitting shorts, this particular group is certified crazy! That should make her think twice about leaving you high and dry! ;)

Seriously, I hope you can reach some sort of arrangement with her. Good luck tomorrow, hope you have a good day at work and at therapy.

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Thanks Catnapper.

Uh,

I am tearstained.

Spent most of the session in Kleinian Hell (persecutory projecting paranoid schizoid prison).

It did ease towards the end of the session...

She said the break is something we can talk about.

wasn't in fit state today.

cried off and on all through afternoon at work, but they were healing tears.....

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thank you ER. I've updated in brief in my Springer thread, but here is a longer version...

First, more explanation of therapy yesterday....apparantly I am always 2 or 3 minutes early. According to her clock. My watch shows I am on time. My watch as far as I knew was exactly right. Especially as the clock at work is 5 minutes fast. But. She says she's checked her clock and its right. So. I have changed my watch so it matches her clock. (although I've done that before and by the next session its back to being the different time again.)

Lately I've needed to use the toilet quite urgently when I arrive. I have a weak bladder, and anxiety, and need to go several times in the hour or so before therapy, and the station toilet I pass on the way has been closed the last few weeks. I can use the toilet, fine, but in *my* time from now on.

Its just so 'new' its hard to accept. I feel that it could in part be because she herself is stressed just now, but also she's exaggerating things to help the wounded and immature part learn boundaries. maybe. that feels about right. otherwise I am just so so confused. it was never like this 'before'.

she did say that its hard for part of me to understand that she can be concerned about me as well as set limits. that means a lot to me. that she's actually concerned about me. I need to hear that.

its so hard when my borderline part comes out under stress. like now. and I hate it. but....I recognise that I need to get to know this part, and learn about it, and not judge it.

Plus, my flatmate's baby is due in August, and I have many issues around that. So I need support then, I really do. Hopefully we can sort something. I understand she has to have a break. so long as I have some support, somewhere to reach to and help keep me steady...

Throughout today I found I'm starting to incorporate the sense of boundary myself more now, feeling its safety. I never knew safe boundaries when I was growing up. So I am starting to shift the internal perspective, it still feels a little tenuous and not firmly embedded yet. I just must keep holding onto the thread and following it....its a very delicate process...

I've arranged tomorrow off work, and to leave early on Thursday, and some hours off next week as well.

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Hello!!

Time off work is always good ;)

If you feel that incorporating the sense of boundaries into yourself more helps you, then that is great!! It seems like progress is been made. I don't really understand the methods she is using so I don't want to comment too much :embarassed:

I don't understand why the clock or toilet issues seems to matter though. Going the toilet only takes a few minutes (and it's not your fault or choice either) and if you're a few minutes early then at least you are on time. It's better than been late. But yeah, it sounds like I'm trying to create a conflict when I'm not and it's probably part of creating boundaries, so er..... yeah, that's what I was thinking anyway :embarassed:

I'm glad you're better right now. That's wonderful!

Take care!!

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hello my little chipping sparrow! keep building and lining your nest, and one day you will have a soft little nest all your own.

boudaries = very hard hard work. it will be worth it.

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ER, its ok. my thoughts also were pretty similar. (I am never ever late anywhere...am always early, or 'on time'.... I was born 2 months early, and it feels innately programmed in me as being impossible to be late. I get very very anxious if lateness is likely.) but also there is the deeper layer, which I think/feel I can understand more now. I hope I've got it, its all I'm holding onto right now....

reddog.... my OWN nest? really?....ooo can I???? you see, there is a part of me that is always summing up others for mummy-bird status, a little cuckoo who quietly crawls into other's nests because she has never known a home, not a real safe, secure nest of a home.

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Hello!!

I agree with reddog. Boundaries sound like very hard, hard work, but it will definitely be worth it!! If the deeper layer is what you are holding onto right now, then take a tight grip and do not let go. Whatever you feel comfortable with and helps you is good. I wish I had your sense of been "on time", though mine is often due to compulsive behaviours before I leave the house. Eek!

Stick at it! I know you will pull through this rough time you're having.....

Take care!!

P.S. Two months! Woah! ;)

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