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Tell me everything is going to be FABULOUS.


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Naturally, as summer session progresses, my anxiety climbs to vast heights in my conscious and subconscious. I've been a sturdy little mountain climber with my backpack and water bottle. Yesterday, I dropped the bottle, and the backpack somehow managed to smack me over the head.

In non-metaphorical terms, mania. Mixed. Classic. Mixed. Classic.

Earlier in the day, my hands were shaking so badly, I filled a script for Topamax I haven't taken in 6 months to get them to stop. I had a feeling bad news was to follow. Later, I was sooo ready to fly through my front door and see if I could run (barefoot, of course) to... don't remember now, but I had a plan. I settled for intense situps, push-ups, and other assorted things I don't think I've done in a year. I had a feeling bad news was to follow. I thought if I made something to eat... Hmm, chocolate cookies, ice cream, and more cookies sounded GREAT! Also, bad sign. I took 300mg of Seroquel, 150-200mg more than usual. Nothing. My brain was thinking so fast, that any remnants of concentration I may have had were hiding under the porch.

Did a little ballet. Calming, centering. Got 5 minutes into it, and... hmm, maybe if I cut myself I'll feel better. No. Called the Crisis Center to be told to take a warm bath, read, and perhaps try some guided imagery? Um, no. The sneaking anxiety attacks that have been working on me for the last week or so, were bubbling up in my chest. Couldn't call anyone of course, didn't want to bother anyone, was too hyped up to even try to get to Crazyboards. The ER triage nurse informed me she couldn't advise me to take more meds (as I asked her in a relatively long and probably confusing rant) and connected me to afterhours nurse at my gp's office who had to page the afterhours gp. Who called me back. I was slurring by then, and promptly told him so, and would I die if I ate some more meds because I really wanted to sleep, because I had stuff to do tomorrow, and ........

Chomp, chomp. Now up to 400mg, and two hours later wonder if another 100mg would help. Then I got bored and went to sleep and woke up 5 hours later. HOORAY! Then decided to go back to sleep, because I didn't want to watch morning cartoons.

So, here I am. I'm taking 100mg AM, 100mg, 100mg 4pm, and 200-400mg at HS. With the slew of other drugs.

I have to get through this semester. I am graduating in August and already got into a superfantastic grad school.

Whoever took the time to read the whole spiel, and its so cool if you didn't ;) I need massive amounts of support. I will pull Synthetic's line and be an extreme attention whore now. I can't pretend I can do this alone anymore, or I will end up back in the nuthouse either sedated, chained to a bed, or obsessively trying to break out through the windows and running like a madwoman up and down the halls.

Summary of above:

HELP!

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Everything will be fabulous again. Seriously. It's a hump, a hill, a slope, whatever you want to call it, and it's a temporary setback, although I KNOW it doesn't feel like it now. It will pass in time. Do you have a pdoc, and can you get worked in, or at least talk to him/her on the phone? Can you get in to see your GP tomorrow?

Congrats on getting into the grad school, that's great!

I wish I had words of wisdom, but just wanted to drop you a line to say "I hear you", and please keep us updated. Take care of yourself today.

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I hear you, I've been there, and it will slide off into the sunset, I promise. But you need a pdoc, not a GP. Or, in case of emergency, an Emergency Room !! (novel concept) You can get their attention by taking a harmless overdose of something--like 10 Klonopin--sitting in their parking lot, or in the waiting room,. Do NOT take asprin, Tylenol, etc.

And I am NOT advising you to OD on anything, really--but I am worried that you ARE OD's ing yourself and you need somebody with some responsiblity to say, "Stop that, you fool!!" You ARE NOT a fool, you are just like all of us, but you need some backup--and we're awfully far away. Damn--PM me if you want. Thats the closest I can get right now--

The grad school thing is groovy--and is, in the long run, probably the root of all this weird-ism (Stress, elation, etc. etc)

This makes little sense, I note, as I re-read--but I care, and I want you to find somebody who will physically be there tohold your hands and wisper soft, soothing words, and all that.

Please take care--and please keep posting.

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I took my Seroquel this morning uh, laaaate morning, and I feel far better. Still a little panicky, but hey?

I love you guys.

I did think of going to the ER last night, but at the very least they'll talk to me and let me go, and at the most, send me inpatient which I really don't have time to do. ;) A major surprise to me: My pdoc's office was the first place I called and I was electronically told very gently to LEAVE A MESSAGE or call the Crisis Line where I was gently told to take a bath, read, and image guide. Um... All they could do was transfer me to my gp's office. The hospital wouldn't do anything either. I was shocked. And manic, so that was way too much dialing and way too much talking IMO.

I'm no fool. I know I'm still balancing one-footed on the edge of a nasty precipice and being held together with cheap yarn.

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Hiya J-

anxious hypomania in a person with ADD...sounds like me sometimes...

Everything WILL be fine. It will ALL be super. You're going off to grad school soon! Great! You're taking the meds as prescribed, taking good care of yourself, and reaching out for help.

The problem is that when you call the Crisis people, they're really idiots. I've given up hope on them. My nutjob friends are better at helping me than those assholes.

If you don't already have crazy friends besides us who are there physically with you, then join a community support group and you'll meet LOTS of them. Many will be lower functioning, but they're also crazy and some are even educated as well. I've met 2 boyfriends, both with Master's degrees, at the pdoc's office. They are both great people and we keep in touch.

For that anxious hypo land support, get some people you can rely on NOW and AT ANY HOUR to hold your hand. Even if you just rant and rant and rant and talk talk talk what you're talking about in your head and talk and talk and talk, at least you're getting it out and doing something non-destructive.

You may want to consult your pdoc on the Concerta and the role it can play in your cocktail. Do you like Seroquel? It gave me nightmares, made me a cow, I slept 16 hours a day, and made me a fat cow. And I had to take 800mg for it to work. Fascinating. But all of us are different.

If Seroquel isn't holding, you may want to explore other options with your pdoc. Up the dose, add or subtract from the med list, swap, whatever.

Feel free to rant here. Feel free to PM me. Looks like we have many of the same afflictions. I'm also a grad student.

light and blessings-

loon

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I'm new here, but I'm here for you. 'Cause I know just what you're going through (yeah, I know plenty of other people do, too, but anyway...) Congrats on getting into grad school. I have a little more than a month left of grad school, and then I'm finished with school for a good long while (I know I shouldn't say "forever" because you never know... what if someday I decided I desperately needed to do a Ph.D.?). And it is driving me nucking futs at the moment, because I'm taking a summer course and looking for a summer job and attending a day hospital program, although at least I am finishing the day hospital thing this week. And right now I can't concentrate and am trying to do a billion things at once. But at least I FOUND THE GLUE! Oh, sorry, I'm making a collage as a therapy exercise, and I couldn't find any glue, but now there is glue.

Okay, that was all rambly and stuff, but what I meant to say was, Post here all you want, 'cause I'll listen. I mean I'll read. I know that sometimes often things are tough and it sucks.

Oh, yeah, and stuffed penguins help anything. At least a little.

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Hi Bella

How are you doing, honey? I've been manic/mixed this week, too. Ouch! It's so hard, running around like this. I know. I don't know where you're at with the Seroquel...that's my drug of choice, too, for the mania. I can go up as high as 800 mg if I'm really super nutty and it can knock me out. I know what you mean about the "yeah right" about guided imagery and doing all the relaxing stuff that normally helps. I have been feeling like every cell in my body is vibrating. Relax?? How??

Good news for us? This will pass. It has to! I'm in grad school right now, actually, so I know the student thing, I know that deadlines and ends of semesters are wack-out time for me...so are season changes...the sun is shining like mad here in southern California and I am feeling so wild but this is what we need to remind ourselves...it's brain chemistry...it's not us...this is going to end...we're going to get evened out...

I know, my hands have been shaking, too. I find it hard to type. And my mixed states have sent me out for a drive to feel the breeze in my face (I have a convertible) and next thing I'm convinced I should drive off a cliff. What can we do? Hang in there. We have to hang in there. Keep checking in. Don't do anything too outrageous. Any voices in your head that tell you to do anything really bizarre, check them with someone else, check them with us here, check them with a doc on the phone, anyone, you know? Mania's so seductive. Let's be careful. You're doing okay. You're going to get through this.

Do what you need to do to sleep, Bella. That's number one. That's what I've been focused on. That and not letting myself be alone with my thoughts too much.

Hanging in there with you,

~Cat

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Hmm. Still barely sleeping. The noise in my head is so fast that I'm having trouble sorting it out. So far, no "kill yourself" voices. I never considered myself an anxious person, but geez.

Thanks for the vibes and the commiseration. I'm going to go to work and hug kids.

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I like the sentiment in Samwise's speech in LOTR.

It's like in the great stories Mr. Frodo, the ones that really mattered."

"Full of darkness and danger they were."

"And sometimes you didn't want to know the end."

"Becuase how could the end be happy."

"How could the world go back to the way it was, when so much bad happened."

"But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow."

"Even darkness must pass."

"A new day will come."

"And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer."

"Those are the stories that stayed with you, that meant something."

"Even if you were to young to understand why."

"But I think Mr. Frodo, now I do understand."

"I know that folks in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they didn't."

"They kept going, becuase they were holding on to something."

"There's some good in this world and it's worth fighting for!"

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I can understand about all the head noise and horrible anxiety. It landed me in crisis. I was fortunate

enough to get some real help. If it gets any worse the ER may be the way to go.

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Hey y'all. The Seroquel in the AM seems to be overtaking the crazy motor spasms and overly conversational voices in my head. Nothings helping the sudden and seemingly unavoidable anxiety that clutches at my heart like a vise.

I love the sun, but it probably is making me crazier. And while I have only seen one LOTR and don't really remember it, my favorite part of that quote is: "had lots of chances of turning back only they didn't."

One foot in front of the other. So...tired...

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Hi Bella

I love your description of the "overly conversational voices" in your head. Yes! That's so right! And yes, the Seroquel helps me with those, too. What to do with the anxiety? For me, it sits like a huge boulder on my chest. My pdoc said to pop an Ativan, but I've yet to do it--never tried a benzo yet. The pill bottle sits in my nightstand drawer, waiting. It seems like such a commitment.

I'm a goof, huh?

Feeling any better? The sun has calmed down a bit here and so have I. I think it was the three nights of decent sleep...

~Cat

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I'm with ya. No benzos for me. Not after I've been working soooo hard on curbing my addictive personality.

I was at the tdoc today, and I was having trouble answering her questions due to multitude of thoughts fighting with each other in my head. By the time I tried to grab one, I sort of forgot what the question was.

And just knowing I have to start my homework is bringing back the FIGHT or FLEE response I seem to have acquired. The tdoc asked me if I needed a "cheerleader" like, "yay, you can do it!" sort of support person. Um, kind of? But not standing over me with pompoms? I am desperate for attention?

Oh goddamn it, anxiety attack. I HATE talking about my feelings!

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Heya JBella,

Yah I hate talking about my feelings, I like to make them all into ideas or thoughts.

Any word from your family doc or psychiatrist?? You sound like seeing someone who can look at your meds would help.

At any rate.

I like the invisible quiet cheerleaders on CB.

No pompoms, just virtual warmth.

--ncc--

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I hate talking about my feelings, too. Blah. Especially when I am anxious. I was the one who posted under the Therapy section of CB this week "I Want to Lie to My Therapist." I have a super rough time on that therapy sofa.

We can't lose sight of the chemistry sets gone awry in our heads here. How are the meds? We get those right and we can get a better handle on the feelings...

Hang in there, everybody. Breathe. Smile. Breathe. Smile. Repeat.

~Cat

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Smiling. :) Smiling. ;)

Went to the gp today with a laundry list of tests I wanted done. They had down to only run a Free T4, Total T4, and TSH. That isn't working for me. I made them take 4 gallons of blood and gave the list to the dr with this reason. I'm so tired of taking 11 different meds. Half the time I think I'm taking meds to counteract the side effects of the meds I'm on. If there is ANY underlying condition, I want to know what the hell it is. If there's nothing, then I'll accept it, but I want to know.

I told my therapist that I didn't feel comfortable talking about certain things, because I didn't trust her. She seemed surprised and asked why. Simple: I don't know you.

The panic was overwhelming last night. I thought I was going to die. But I didn't.

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