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Since its only the first time posting here i really have no right to sayy ne thing i suppose ?

i dont know but i feel if i dont type out something anything im just going to keep cutting more and more until i have nothing left. Sounds stupid of me, but knowing that maybe "someone" out there in might actuallyy have something to sayy makes typing a whole lot more comforting.

If i could just erase my whole life i could, go back and make everyone forget i existed. Its not liek they already dont know me, its just easier to pretend im invisible then have to deal with them everydayy. Sometimes it gets so bad it feels like my chest is caving in on me, i cant breath and my lungs are being gripped tightly with a strong hand, my throat starts to close up and i cant breath. It takes hours for the breathing to become normal again. The last "attack" was probably a few dayys ago, im scared for the next one to come. I've probably mutilated almost everyy part of my bodyy, now theres no where left taht doesnt have a little scar of remembrance on it... just erase it all.

heh i really have no idea where im going with this, in small circles always coming back to the same starting point, i really have no point.

just stupid wandering thoughts of some random person typing random things, random i dont know

ugh just nvm

the whole stupid idea.

of trying.

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Hello!!

Welcome!!

I hope you're feeling better.

You posting here isn't stupid and doesn't sound stupid at all. I'm glad you did if you feel this way. CrazyBoards is such an amazing place. I hope you stick around and keep posting. People here will always be there to help you. It doesn't matter if the post is random with no point.

I hope you're online later so I can talk to you..... (I missed you.....)

((((((((((soundless-screamingxo))))))))))

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Hi and welcome.

there is no reason for you to feel that you have no reason to say anything since this is your first time posting. I would have to vehemently disagree with you on that one. If typing is comforting to you then, by all means, do it! It is much better and healthier than the alternative.

This is hard, I know all too well. All of the intense emotions that cause and come with self-injury are by no means easy to deal with.

Do you talk to a therapist and/or are you taking any sort of medication? You have to find out and learn to recognize the underlying issues and triggers before you can stop cutting. Cutting is inflicting pain on the outside of ourselves, physical pain, in order to deal with our immense internal pain...

Have you every tried any alternatives to cutting when you feel the urge?

Let us know how you are doing...

~Ophelia~

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Hello and thankk yu for the welcome Ophelia.

It feels easier now to at least be accepted in some terms ?

To reply to questions yu asked no i dont talkk with a therapist. i have tried methods liek that and have been to several different ones and i found i couldnt trust them or they just mdae me feel worse then i was. (The one i went with through my school actually abused me) ... after that incident i just gave up trying to trust them. I have been denied medication also. I went to the hospital this weekend to take a serious of tests and the doctor just told me that they were to busyy to help me ... and sent me away.

Todayy was an okii dayy besides it being so hott :| "they" kept away from me so i had no reason to hurt myself when i came home. I only just wish they would stayy away forever so i did not have to deal with it ever again. My mood is just i don ktnow , its not happy but not sad, just in the middle. I hope it stayys like this for awhile so i can start to studyy for exams and not be distracted ... sigh.

Cutting is usually my last resort unless i cannot deal without doing it. I tryy to write out my feelings/thoughts in poems or songs, then i tryy playing guitar or piano then i tryy going for a run or just getting out and away from them so i dont have to hear it. cutting only comes when the darkness completly incloses me. thats usually when i cant breath either.

i hope all is well for yu

and thankk yu again

tc xo

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"they" kept away from me so i had no reason to hurt myself when i came home. I only just wish they would stayy away forever so i did not have to deal with it ever again.

when you say "they" do you mean the attacks? because that almost sounds like one of my wonderful ( ;) ) panic attacks. maybe you could try to figure out what causes the attacks and if you can get rid of those, maybe you could start to work on stopping cutting?

I'm always suggesting and trying to make everyone's life better, so I'm sorry that's the first thing that came out of my keyboard. but... I don't know. it sounds to me like you need professional help, but it also sounds like you've had a lot of bad luck. you mentioned school counselors -- I have never met one that I didn't dislike. don't base your opinion on them. I have an awesome therapist now who I love, and I think you should look for one. but, I don't know. your choice.

I'm going to stop suggesting and just restart.

hi, I'm vunja. I'm a cutter too, and I'm a really good listener. feel free to contact me, and good luck.

take care of yourself.

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Sorryy by they i mean people, they are a great manyy ppl in my life that shouldnt be in there and who are hurting me ...

yur suggestions are appreciated vunja

Rite now i feel tired spent the whole nite awake becuse of stupid stomach pains, i guess my stomachs telling me to eat, altho i cant force myself to do it,

sorry for complaining tho.

tc

xx

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Help just doesnt want to find me, ive been trying for awhile now but im getting sickk of the setbacks, everytime i reach out for help my finger tips get nicked by some one and i have to reach back and start again. I broke my finger last nite, baby one on the right hand ... on purpose in a way ;) although i havent told ne one that. Ripped the entire nail off too ... mom diddnt even want to takee me to the hospital. had to show her that i was in pain and then she was reluctant to go. Everytime i cut to deep and have to go sit in that dark fricking emergency room all they do is tape me together and just tryy to ignore the fact that i did this to myself :) they are quick and impatient with me. Just tape me up tell me to talkk to some one and boot me out.

i guess im just going to be another teen suicide statsic

take care

xx

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no no no! you will NOT be just another "teen suicide statistic." you know why? because i said so...

I really hope that your finger is doing better today. I'm sure that that must have hurt. ;)

I know how hard it is to really want help and not have it accessable to you... for whatever the reason, idiot doctors, *parents*, whatever...

would you consider trying to talk to someone again, even though i know that you have trouble trusting therapists. I know that i have trust issues and it is really hard, but sometimes it just takes time to break through that and you have to be patient instead of giving up so quickly... even though it sorta sucks.

there are also some SI alternatives you can try when you get the urge... suicide hotlines you can call if you feel like it is going to go further and really hurt yourself...

just take care of yourself and dont be afraid to write what you feel, k?

~Ophelia~

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Im trying to get on better todayy, except i have moutain loads of homeworkk ... i dont understand how every teacher can all of a sudden decide to hand out ISU's on the same dayy !! and then make then due on the saem dayy UGH. Have a gym project on how the media affects us due fridayy, a gym test on drugs and alcohol on fridayy and a 5 apragraph essay due fridayy for gym !!! Talkk about giving us enough time. Also have to do a 3 part ISU for english and tryy to get my g

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"they" kept away from me so i had no reason to hurt myself when i came home. I only just wish they would stayy away forever so i did not have to deal with it ever again.

He got out again and is mad as hell, if he finds me i dont know =( he makes me want to cutt and scream and just run and run further and further away but he's always there, always hurting and taking away form me . i already started cutting todayy un aware of wat i was doing just slipped with the sharp end of a pen lid, scratch scratch scratch ... i just want to give up on this whole pointless hting we call life ....

If you don't mind me asking, who are "they" and who is "he?"

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hey Soundless, sorry i didn't reply before. please believe me when i say there are lots of people who give a damn here & will be willing and able to provide support & advice.

i hope you stick around & stay with us.

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Lets just sayy i have not gotten into great tihngs, i was doing drugs and i go veryy deep into that pattern ( i started abusing about 2 years ago around this time:() ive stopped just recently becuse ive realised they arent helping me get ne better.

As id fallen into the drug habbit id also fallen into other things, i couldnt payy for the drugs i was needing. They and refer to the "bad crowd" i fell in with they constantly bug me to give them drugs or for me to buy them from them

they dont get it , how ever manyy times i asyy no they come back back back again and again . They can get violent and suchh too ;) been beat up quite a few times by the "drugged out" crowd.

Last mondayy i was arrested for possesion (one of the gang, stole my locker combination and they did a dog search and i got busted .. only the weed was mine)

so i got arrested last mondayy morning but i decided to come out and tell them that it was mine it was my (ugh horrible word) "pimps" :'(.

so thats who they and he refer to,

hes on bail

and hes mad

and im scared

im also and idiot

im sorry for taking up time and space

xx

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Heya soundless,

You're for sure not wasting anyone's time over here.

You can say anything and people here will be so understanding.

The only people I really trust, which is funny I guess in a way b/c they're all invisible.

***Are you safe?*** Is there someone somewhere who can help you make a plan for safety?

And, nice to meet you.

--ncc--

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Thankk yu ncc, nie to meet yu also

last nite was just bad for me, my parnets dont know about this "second" life i have or ne thing,

they dont know i cut or feel suicidal sometimes or do drugs or ne of the bad stuff liek that. They only part of me they see is the fake face i put on for them. They are too busyy to notice any wayy. Sometimes i dont see my dad for weeks at a time and my mom and i dont get along at all, she thinks that yelling and screaming and hitting me are ways of getting my attention but they only add feul to the fire.

hope all is well for everyone todayy

take care

xx

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what do yu do when everythings fallen apart,

people yu care about are suddenly gone,

im just ugh i want to scream kick tear scratch and HATE

but i cant

im to tired

my bodyy wants to layy down and sleep

but my brain wants to fight Fight FIGHT

i cant do it ne more

im 16 years old

i weigh 98 pounds

im to tired to even touch food to my lips

everytime i do

i throw it up

again and again and again

it seems easier to lay down and let the tide sweep over me and drag my worn bodyy away

everynite

horrible thoughts cross my mind

nightmears scream through my dreams

and i wake up breathless and alone

and i realise

this is how its always going to be

for ever and ever

giving up

yes,

lets give up

and my fingers type thoughts and feelings out into nothing

i jsut feel alone

just alone

trapped in my broken bodyy

alone

- sigh -

dayys fade inot weeks that fade into months,

will these thoughts never go awayy :'( :@

- sorryy

-tc

-xx

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last nite was just bad for me, my parnets dont know about this "second" life i have or ne thing,

they dont know i cut or feel suicidal sometimes or do drugs or ne of the bad stuff liek that. They only part of me they see is the fake face i put on for them. They are too busyy to notice any wayy. Sometimes i dont see my dad for weeks at a time and my mom and i dont get along at all, she thinks that yelling and screaming and hitting me are ways of getting my attention but they only add feul to the fire.

I know what this is like and i know how hard it is to... i dont know... hold up...

as for the last thing you wrote, dont ever be sorry for writing here and expressing yourself. it is better that you do it here than do something harmful to yourself... and i hope that maybe that has been working a little for you. i'm really sorry that you have to be going through all this shit because you do not deserve it.

keep writing and don't ever feel that you have to be sorry... we have a lot of space here...

be well and *please* take care of yourself

~Ophelia

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- sigh

i must seem like a selfish bitchh, i never post to other ppl but its becuse im afraid ill sayy the wonr ghitng ;)

i had a slip up todayy,

cut my lips up

dad started to freakk iut on me this morning saying how i was a selfish whore and that he shouldnt drive me to school even tho it was pouring and i hate being late so he made me 20 mins late on purpose just sitting in the car waiting for him,

while i was wiaiting i jst grabbed the nearestes sharp thing and just sliced my lips.

i just

i cant htinkk whe nthose stupid thougts come over my head

and i just want too

i dont kno w

but im scared

of myself.

...

take care

-xx

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dont worry about seeming like "a selfish bitch" or anything like that. that isn't what being here is supposed to be about. it isnt supposed to make you feel bad. sometimes we just aren't capable of giving others advise at certain times... like when we are feeling particularly shitty.

im sorry that things got so bad today that you slipped up. it can be really painful to have your father freak out on you and act out in a malicious manner. I know that i still can't handle it.

i really think that it would help if you would reconsider talking to someone like a counsellor or therapist. trust issues and being fucked over in the past are really hard to get over and i can most definately attest to that... but being scared of yourself... it is hard to deal with alone...

take care of yourself and keep writing

~Ophelia~

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Good dayys;

the past 3 4 even 5 dayys have been wonderfully high, like im floating. No fights, no stupid nonsense at school or at home and things are going well with my classes. i guess im just happy becuse there is only a week or so left of school ;)

i havent even thought about hurting myself over those dayys. Been actually called out by my friends want to be with me ! imagine that !!! i spent the passing weekend over at my old best friends house and we did talked and did all the things we used to when we were younger :) i really did miss her.

I hope everyone else is doing oki and that things start to look on the bright side

tc

- xx.

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