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I know you guys are tired of me--


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But I am dealing with the really pits of depression, the ugly, mean, hate-yourself, whats-the-point kind of depression.I cleaned my house today, even worked in the yard. But I still am an "invalid" and I am at my wits end, I just can't keep on like this. I am juggling money around so my husband won't know just how bad things are--no one's fault, except I guess mine since I can't work at least for another month, probably--if I can get a job then.

I keep thinking I'll wake up and feel like my "old self", funny and scarcastic and mad about this whole mess, but able to do what I need to do--and I don't. Or if I wake up that way, its gone in a flash.

I just lay on the couch and cry and count the hours till I can take my Lunesta and go to sleep. I said I was gonna call the pdoc--guess I will tomorrow, but he'll want to see me, and how the fuck can I get there if I can't drive?

I just can't do this any more--I have really tired to be a good "patient" but I don't know how and I'm just tired and want to sleep. I'm too depressed to even be scared--

I don't have anyone to talk to down here, except my husband, so you guys got the lucky draw. I just don't know what to do any more. This is so awful--I just hurt all inside, my soul hurts and I want it all to stop.

Thank you for listening--

china

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I hear ya china. I'm still recovering from a horrible depression along with anxiety and all the shit that goes

along with this damn disorder. I'm sorry your problems are compounded by the physical shit too.

I have no advice but I am listening.

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Hi China,

Calling the doc is a good idea even if you can't drive. Maybe he can talk to you over the phone.

And even though you are juggling things to protect hubby, I bet on some level he knows.

(My husband always knows when something is up with me.)

If you need to, talk to him and give him the real deal. Often what a person imagines is wrong is not nearly as bad as reality (even though reality is not great).

I know things suck right now, but this is just a moment in time. It will pass.

Last year hubby was certain we would be living under a bridge. Today, he is getting ready to open a new office.

I know it sounds stupid when people tell you to "hang in there" but what else can I say? Hang in there.

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My neighbors have Harleys. They're cool people.

I'm sorry, China. Words fail me, like usual, but I'm listening too. Please take care of yourself, get thee to a pdoc. Depression sucks. I hope you can crawl out of this pit quickly.

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China, I don't think anyone here is tired of hearing from you. We've all been down in the pit, and a lot of those days the only thing that kept me going was hearing from my CB friends.

Is there any temporary welfare for folks who can't work in your state? Have you called the county to ask? Just a thought---sometimes there's a stopgap benefit you can get if you physically can't work and you're not receiving disability.

Keep posting and your friends here will keep reading. I hope things trend up for you soon--

olga

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China -- I'm also here and listening, although I know I don't have anything terribly helpful to say. You're in a very tough situation and I'm not surprised it's hit you like this. I agree with the suggestion that you should talk to the pdoc asap - perhaps call and set a time when he can do a telephone session. (He must understand your circumstances right now??) Or take AM's suggestion and call a cab.

I'm keeping you in my thoughts,

Skittle

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I have decided that CB and you guys are the univerdr's gift to me, to let me know that I am not existing in a complete void.

I deeply appreciate everyone's notes and suggestions--and yes, perhaps its just time for the universal elevator of BP's to be "going down"--I am going to call pdoc this AM, I promise--

I feel like such a whiner--when I think of my hubby going thru about 6 months of real pain and adjustment after he lost his leg--and I sit here whining after 5 weeks. Last nite, I just took all my meds--some a bit early, took 2 pain pills (tho I don't hurt) and called DH and told him on his voice mail I'd be in bed when he got home, dinner was on his own. He didn't mind a bit--and I could just lie on my bed, half asleep, NO BRACE, and watch stupid TV. But alas, morning came around, and even the two wonderful hours we spend together, every morning,drinking coffee outside and walking around our little house and making plans we can't afdford --he had to go to work and here I am, crying before 11AM, which is NOT a good sign.

But I love yall, and I thank the goddess daily that CB came into my life and gave me my little community who cares and understands.

blessings, and may all our elevators say, in a very sexy voice, "Going up???" It IS a waxing moon which should mean that we are all going "up", by my calculations--waxing means bring things to you, adding things t your life, not losing things or leaving things--make sense??

china

P.S. Oh, great, the 90 lb. balck cat that shares my name is now too fat and lazy to evem jump out of the litter box, so she just turns it over--kitty crystal litter everywhere. She is so fucking dead--

;)

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china i don't think we could ever be sick of you.

well, ok, maybe if moved in with me and kept taking the last popsicle and drank all but the last of the OJ and put the carton back, maybe then i'd be sick of you.

maybe can you come and play in chat? it helps me when i'm lonley. i can't say i've ever been in the type of pain you're in now, but i was sick enough to be bed ridden for a good long while and it's boring and depressing and lonley. and sometimes seeing people typing to you is nice. though i don't know if you're well enough for that yet or if you're still having to lay completley flat and can't see the screen.

anyway, please keep posting. i love hearing from you, i wish you weren't so sad but i like to hear from you even then.

best,

penny

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that sounds like my life....just when i feel like hell, the universe literally dumps kitty litter on top of me. i have to admit i laughed though, having had my own problems with self absorbed animals.

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I can't do chat, I can't get in, I am techno-stupid beyond belief, and every time I tryu, I forget the instructions before I get to the next screen--

The cat still lives, she is too fat for me to choak--life is conspiring against me. She is watching me now with those evil green eyes, I would worry but she is too fat to pounce.

But chat sounds fun--chat for me and about me if you like--in my stead, as it were--

china, the computerly challenged

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China:

Be nice to the cat. She is there to help you. Hard as that may sound. I think they make litter boxes for cats that can't make it in anymore. Spare her life. She loves you.

I am sorry you are so down. This sucks. I know the money juggling. Been doing the same thing. However my husband suffers bad depression ( I am just a jumpy anxiety mess) and so to tell him really makes things worse. So I operate alone there.

I am no one to give advice on depression, but the p-doc plan sounds good. Mine will call me when I need her to and it really helps me to re-focus. Maybe that would help you too. Or get you some other inter-rim meds.

We are never sick of you. Keep writing.

Breeze

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Heya ChinaRN,

Never could tire of you hon.

CBers are most of my only friends (please look at my ghost-post, really).

I PMd you with this silly quote that makes sense even to my literal brain.

When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.

See? Silly eh. But really.

Any luck with psych?

(And I got banned from chat when I finally figured it out, but that's actually okay with me b/c it's too much like a conversation and I hate conversations.)

--ncc--

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