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Bipolar Express Elevator


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Gee it seemed like things were going so good.

Got to March and for the first time in years could say that I wasn't really depressed. And no hypo/mania either.

April hits with a no shit real mania... Bump to BPI.

Dont' really get back up after getting knocked down by this. Dragging my ass all the time. Anxiety building back like it hasn't been in ages...Pdoc actually gives me Xanax again and says 'Take it". After months off it, it kicks my butt, but doens't really help the anxiety much. huh.

Mom has been having more chest pains, goes in for umpteenth stent, and the doctors stop things on the table and refuse to do it. Multiple trips back and forth to hospital. I instinctively know that this is not good.

Memorial day weekend Mom goes back into hospital (120miles from home) and they put her in ICU till docs return. More wrangling, one doc will operate, two others won't, start procedure, stop procedure. Start procedure on next day, stop it, won't continue till another surgeon is available in other OR as backup. He arrives checks films, refuses to be standby, too risky. Lovely.

Decision point: Go home and await the inevitable, or else my 74 yo mother in frail health has 3 way bypass,with an 80% chance of surviving surgery. Next day have surgery, on ventilator till next day. Ok. Has been up and down each day, irregular heart rythms, docs busting their humps to get it beating normal again. My mom is so weak, that docs say she needs a rehab home for weeks. Rah. None in our hometown.

Good news, sister's first AD working with relief from depression she has had for years. In talking she tells me several more stories of how mom treated her badly after I left home. There is more but she suddenly stopped talking. Yeah well, it wasn't much compared to others, besides we are living functioning adults. big deal.

The arrythmias are still unstable, unpredictable, she can't leave yet. Dad is playing hero, sleeping in a chair in her room 24/7.

***************************

Stressful? Yeah, I've done worse. Besides once she was talking on the phone and out of bed, its all better from there, right? It ain't helping. The big stress is off, but my anxiety is going up, chest hurting more and more. I lived like this for years and I'm not going to tolerate being in pain all the time again.

Saturday the elevator fell. I know this feeling. I know this feeling. I know I can't control it...the elevator is going to whatever floor it wants, no matter what button I push. I don't have a 'happy pill" dammit. I broke down and bought some wine last night....not good and doesn't last very long...$8 vs. $83 for a bottle of Xanax.

I haven't slipped too far. Its such a palpable feeling, on my shoulders and chest. Like a heavy weight dragging my body down. But enough that I was having practice conversations in my mind with the Pdoc...are you suicidal? No. Will you promise me that you never will? Eh, hem, haw... I don't even think about it when I'm feeling good. Its so nice.

I did finally sleep in bed last night with my Cpap, probably only second time this week. I don't feel quite so strained and thin today. I promise I will go to bed again tonite. promise. I'm taking everything I have this afternoon. Better to be sedated than panicking and agonizing with chest pains like last night.

I've been holding this in all day. Its just whiney and self serving.

There are several others who got thrown onto the same elevator this week in a worse way.

a.m.

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Nothing wrong with being whiney - we all get that way. Obviously any kind of stress on top of the "stress' of these disorders is just "too much" but family health stress, especially that of parents, is really difficult. I wish I had some answers for you except you seem like a smart guy/gal with a lot of common sense. In these times you are doing a great job of evaluating where you are and how you are dealing with it. Obviously alcohol is not the key with the meds you take but I doubt you need that lecture from me. Try to get some rest and have faith that all will work out as intended.

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Yes, you need more sleep. Rest. Take care of yourself. It's alot to take care of everybody else, and you're doing a great job, but don't forget yourself. It is very stressful under the best of circumstances. Add in your MI, your family, the doc's not agreeing, the drive itself, and not enough resources to help. Well, shit, I'd be a damn mess that's for sure.

Vent, get it all out. Whine, cry, pout, scream. That's what this place is for. Use it. And if it does get bad enough again where you start contemplating suicide, call pdoc immediately please.

And again, take care of yourself. Good luck with your mom. I'll pray for ya'll.

Croix

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I've been holding this in all day. Its just whiney and self serving.

If you have to get it out, you have to get it out. And I am pretty sure you have said something at one point or another about how we all need support and it doesn't mean we are being whiney.

Not the same words, but same idea.

And it's true. Human beings need support and attention and it's something that is hard to acknowledge But "self serving" is literally doing something for yourself, which is ok.

If you need to write here and express your anxiety and stress and that weight that you are feeling, I don't see the reasons to put yourself down for it. I can feel anxious about feeling nervous and worried and feel bad about feeling depressed.

I hope you can get some rest.

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Whiney and self-serving? Give me a break. Your mother's in the hospital, your father's in the chair, your sister's spilling her guts, and you're having a huge crash. Jee-iminy AM, give yourself a break. (Sorry for the jee-iminy - I can't seem to help it). Do you always crash in the Spring? I do. Don't drink, it makes things worse. Call the pdoc. Tweak your meds. Drink lots of water. Take a nap. Sheesh. You're not whining.

Millie

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You consider it whining. I consider it expressing intense emotional views on screen from brain via keyboard. But what do I know? I'm climbing up the elevator shaft with my bare hands while smoking a cigarrette.

Grab my ankle and I'll get us to the floor where there's a cafeteria.

I realize I may not be making much sense. But I'm with you.

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Hi AM,

I'm sorry for all the troubles and I hope your mom gets better.

I know about the weight on the chest and shoulders, and monster anxiety blob that ate Chicago and I'm next. I sure hope the xanax and stuff works.

And maybe your sister wants to be closer. It's hard to hear when siblings talk about bad stuff. It's kind of like a helpless and mad feeling for me. Cause it was long ago; why did I not know?

And I am glad you wrote about what is going on for you.

Take care,

Luli

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thanks I didn't expect so many comments. Millie you had a good way of lining things up.

finished off the one glass of wine left. Otherwise I'm just pumping the meds and staying much calmer. Better to be sedated I guess... Pdoc said she didn't want me to let everything run away from not taking the tranqs and have everything blow up.

I haven't sunk any lower today, at least. Thats good. Mania and mixed states are ferocious, but the depression sucks all energy from the soul. Ok, won't dwell on that.

Off to bed, I promise myself. I will try to walk tomorrow in the sunshine, gain as much energy as possible from old Sol.

a.m.

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Well, gee, I guess we could change the initials A.M. to "Atlas Magnified" or something like that......

Sorry, that's supposed to be funny but it's hot here and my brain may not be functioning properly, which leads me to point out that if we had properly functioning brains none of us would be here.

I wish there was something I could do to make things easier for you. You're in a hell of a tough spot. Having your mom in the hospital is hard and you must be worried too that if your dad keeps sleeping there he'll end up compromising his own health on top of everything else.

You always are here giving such good support so I hope that in turn you can come here and post and at least relieve some of your own tension and pain.

We're purring for you.

"And now for something completely different...."

Just as I was about to hit the "Add Reply" button I got to thinking about how these messages in bottles get from here to there and thought of this goofy thing that happened to me that you, especially as an AirMarshall, might find amusing and might lighten your load for a few moments:

I was working on the reconstruction of Iraq for a private contractor and my part was to write, negotiate, and administer contracts and subcontracts. We were putting together the subcontract for our communications system and comparing proposals so I spent a lot of time talking with the tech experts; my own background is in structural engineering so I was way out of my league.

Forgive me but I can't think of the name for the ground unit that sends and receives signals with satellites - teleport, maybe? Anyway, one company had its teleport in Europe, in a longitude near to Iraq, while another had its teleport stateside and said it would be an advantage because from there all our traffic could go on landline fiber optic to all our various home office locations. It sounded good to me, but the tech guys weren't buying into the idea.

Most of these conversations occured via e-mail as we were all traveling between Iraq and home, and because our project was just getting underway all the big bosses were still very interested and had to be cc'ed on everything. I sent an e-mail that asked, "Why can't we use a teleport in the U.S.?" and the response came back, "Because the earth is round," with copies to lots of senior VPs and others with the power to decide my fate.

I still haven't completely lived that down, although I did resist the urge to reply with the web address of the Flat Earth Society. We went with the teleport in Europe.......

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I sent an e-mail that asked, "Why can't we use a teleport in the U.S.?" and the response came back, "Because the earth is round," with copies to lots of senior VPs and others with the power to decide my fate.
I really hate to be dense, but I don't get it. Is it a metaphor or not?
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I sent an e-mail that asked, "Why can't we use a teleport in the U.S.?" and the response came back, "Because the earth is round," with copies to lots of senior VPs and others with the power to decide my fate.
I really hate to be dense, but I don't get it. Is it a metaphor or not?

No, you're not dense, and it's not a metaphor, I just didn't explain it well, I guess figuring A.M. would get it and forgetting everyone else, oops!

If you think about the earth with a bunch of satellites in orbit around it, they can only send signals back and forth to earth in a limited area. That's why if you're in Iraq, roughly on the other side of the world, your satellite communications can't go up to a satellite, and then land at a base station, or teleport, in the U.S. The satellite has to be able to "see" where the signals from earth come from, and also "see" the spot that it sends them onward.

That's why I looked like an idiot asking about having a teleport in the U.S. If you're on the other side of the world in Iraq, a satellite signal would have to either bounce up and down from several satellites to work its way around to the U.S., or it could go up to a satellite, go down to a teleport that the satellite can "see" in Europe, and then come to the U.S. via cable connections on fiber optic lines.

Either way works, but satellites are owned by different companies and they lease out their space. Our tech guys wanted to use just the one satellite because there's less chance of something going wrong getting the message from point A to point B when there are fewer players involved. With different satellite owners carrying the signal you have less control over things. Think of it like a plane flight - you have a better chance arriving on time on a direct flight than you do on a flight with lots of stops. Our tech guys wanted a direct flight.

I've probably now inadvertently given A.M. something else to laugh about, since I have a very rudimentary understanding of satellite technology. Ask me something about concrete and I'll be fine!

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Not whiney and self-serving in the slightest - it really is better to get some of it out rather than letting it all fester inside you. I'm sorry you're in such a lousy space right now... and I'm hoping that you did manage to get some rest.

Take care of yourself,

Skittle

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A.M., it breaks my heart to see you going back down again. It does sound, maybe? like the elevator has slowed or stopped for a while? You've got so much going on, be sure and take care of yourself first, so it'll be easier to take care of other important things, like your mother. It'll be hard to be there for her if you're going off the deep end. But, I know you know that, you're one hell of an intelligent guy. So, use all the wise advice that you pass on to us, take care, and ummmmm.... I can tell you firsthand the alcohol won't help matters any. I hope the sunshine lifts your spirits today.

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hey AM - sorry for everything youve got going on right now. i hope you were able to get a good night of restful sleep and that things are looking more manageable today. everyone else gave good advise so i'll just say we're thinking of you! {{hugs}}

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Heya AM,

Whine as much as you need to, that's what we're here for.

You do so much to help us (esp. me -- thanks friend) how would you think we wouldn't respond to your own pain??

(OK I know how -- it's called depression and I've been there, even though now I'm more of the mixed variety.)

I'm glad to see things are looking up a bit and you (like me) didn't give in to the need for multiple bottles of wine. Self-medication backfires, eh.

I like sunshine except when wasps come around b/c they can kill me, and when I'm depressed I think they *want* to.

(Not WASPs -- *wasps,* the flying stinging evil kind that die off in winter, yay winter.)

Keep painting and get some sleep however you can.

--ncc--

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