Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org

i wanna be bipolar. no i don't. yes i do. no, i don't. yes.


Recommended Posts

okay, there. i'm making a stupid post about be being bipolar maybe. i got fired by my tdoc/pdoc cos i missed sessions. it was going nowhere though cos i need deep one on one therapy not seeing a tdoc once every two weeks and my pdoc once every two months.

me angry? i dunno. pissed off i guess cos i wanna be bipolar cos i'm just like that. i always wanna be more or better or worse than i am. i'm always not good enough. i have always thought i have depression, well, since i finally gave in and started getting 'help'. i would tell therapists that i had depression and we would go with that assumption. i NEVER got an official diagnosis from anyone. not even my most recent tdoc/pdoc clinic. "we don't believe in making diagnoses. we prefer to treat symptoms as we see them."

"well, what's been the point of psychiatric and psychologic research? isn't it in part to discover links between symptoms and discover illnesses? doesn't a diagnosis establish a treatment plan and suggest other symptoms to look for?"

fucking morons.

so, two years down the tubes. plus we can throw ptsd on the pile now thanks to personal shit i endured during that time.

the only drugs i've found to be useful are seroquel and alcohol. seroquel kept obsessive thoughts at a more manageable level and alcohol would break up the daily hell with a bit of heaven. otherwise it was just purgatory. i'm getting off effexor finally. currently down to 150 mgs from 225. my gp is going to start me on lithium. and i have a new pdoc that i see on june 22.

so, yeah. hi.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I hope this new cocktail works out for you, grouse. I thought you were doing really well on the one you had, but maybe this will be even better.

Weird what you said about alcohol. Since i started Seroquel, alcohol has zero effect on me. Not relaxing, not anything. So, I'm having a happy hour for my birthday, and I'll watch everyone else get drunk!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

For selfish reasons of my own I'll say it's nice to see you back around, grouse, although I knew when you weren't it probably meant you were feeling better so knew I should be glad not to see you. Did that make sense? Maybe the other thing CrazyBoard's initials can stand for should be "Convoluted Bullshit."

I hope you new doc turns out to be good. I also go to a new pdoc here at about the same time so maybe we'll both get lucky.

Won't it be nice when one day they'll finally be able to stick a plug in your ear and look at a screen and say, "Yep, you're crazy with [insert diagnosis], here, take these pills, you'll be fine in two weeks, see ya."

In the meantime we're all stumbling along like Alice in Wonderland in that hallway she lands in at the bottom of the rabbit hole where she's too big or too small and there are all those bottles labeled, "Drink Me."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

As I said before, I really think the lithium isn't the best choice.

There are other things that would be better for your symptoms- which include mostly depression.

I don't know why ythis would be prescribed for you as first choice moodstabilizer.

If you are seeing a pdoc so soon, you may end up changing meds anyway.

I don't know what you would be able to do until then though.

Starting over with a new doctor will be good.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

just want to throw in my 2cents about lithium for depression- it has been the best antidepressant ever for me- and i've been on a ton different ones. since adding lithium to my cocktail i've had the most stable 2 yrs of my life! ( no hospitals- yay!!)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

hey grouse, long time no see!

i guess i kinda get you about "wanting" to be bipolar. a diagnosis can mean the right kind of help. geeze i don't know what i'm talking about, but i'm hoping you get better. glad to see you got a new pdoc/tdoc.

here's crossing my fingers to lithium being your next miracle! ;)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've missed seeing you around grouse. I think the bipolar thing is a good thing to look into. I noticed that on the days you shook off the depression, you seemed to be really way up there, without much room for "just okay" in between. That doesn't necessarily mean it's bipolar, but a mood stabilizer is a good place to start if you need to chop off the highs and lows a little bit.

Good luck with the lithium, I hope it makes a world of difference for you! It's good to see you back, even if the reasons for it are less than optimal.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

hi guys, thanks for your thoughts.

i remember your comments navy. yours and other people's comments have made me rather hesitant about lithium.

robot, my thoughts on wanting yet not wanting to be bipolar stem from what feels like an infinite mountain of things. but i guess that it can all probably be summed up as one thing. fear.

fear of what i can't describe. some simple fears, yeah. but some fears so complex i can't begin to understand them myself - these fears are the result of obsessive thoughts and subconcious shit.

so maybe when it comes down to it i'm really deeply scared of a lot of shit. maybe that's why i'm a walking angerberg.

i guess this kind of thing really belongs on my blog and not the bipolar forums.

and on that note, one other thing i did is start a profile on the online mood journal thing. i should probably go update my mood there cos i'm kinda flushed with energy and my social distortion just isn't going loud enough. grrr, stupid earphones.

anyway. thanks for your comments. i'll read bipolar people's posts and see if anything chimes right for me.

grouse.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi,

You can be king of whatever you want to be.

and today I was told "take more seroquel" heh heh. seroquel it is great. but i fear it's pooping out even though others have said they have been on it for years and no problem. "just keep raising the seroquel then you can sleep."

"House" is on...at least a doctor I like.

db

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Heya grouse,

Heh.

I know. Took me forever to get it. I carried the screen-floridly-positive MDQ in my (literally) scrubs pocket for months before I wordlessly handed to my family doc.

If bipolar makes sense to you and your doc it might be bipolar instead of unipolar.

Lithium is a good and much-maligned drug for unipolar and bipolar both. Plus the only drug with anti-suicide effects, we don't know why ;) .

If you and your psych agree to a trial it's probably worth a trial.

At any rate.

Good luck for sure with psych. Mine is great, even if his insane (heheh) work schedule and mine don't exactly match up too often

In other words, hi there.

--ncc--

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Grouse,

I would say "good to see you back", but of course not if you're hurtin'. I hope you can get the meds squared away, and get some relief. Glad to see you started an online mood chart; I've been trying myself but keep slacking. (hmm, is that part of my moods?)

Hope you find your answers in bipolarland... see you around...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hiya, grouse. Sounds like hard changes but hope for easier ones coming up soon. I sure hope so. I'm all for having a working diagnosis to start with, even if it's just a menu of possibilities. It gives you some framework to work with. Symptoms are important, sure, but if you are BP-ish you can read up on bipolar spectrum, helpful treatments, and look at what the first line treatments are.

As for lithium, it's gotten a very bad rap, but all the literature, from the 2000 Expert Consensus report to Dr. Phelps's website, lists lithium as a first-line med for both BPI and BPII. It sounds like it does have AD properties, too. Good luck with it.

And we love you no matter what your dx is.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

hi guys,

and thanks nars.

i've started the lithium. day four now. and am titrating down off effexor. i haven't really noticed any major changes so far aside from tiredness during the day and a headache from the effexor.

i hope it doesn't make me fatter though. that would continue to depress me.

take care,

grouse.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

good luck on the lithium. im on it, too and have just increased my dose. no side effects and since im taking wellbutrin as well, im actually losing weight! good luck to you!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...