Panz Posted June 7, 2006 Share Posted June 7, 2006 :Trigger:I'm sick of me. I'm sick of the lies that I tell myself and the inevitable end of the bender...the shame, self loathing and apologies. My fat wine belly...the fact that I'm sweating for a drink right now. Gritting my teeth...I can't give in, I can't stand this stupid cycle anymore. I know that I'll fall back in to binge land sooner or later. Am I suicidal? hell yes in a depressed totally inactive sort of way. I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this. I'm PTSD with a lot of cool add ons...I want to burn myself, to hurt myself to feel alive and real. I trigger, have really swell flashbacks, get into binging and generally bounce back and forth between being frantic, being angry,dissociating and going into limbo, getting suicidal which inevitably leads to long bouts of Dysphoric hell. I put down my last bottle of wine early this morning and am trying to find reasons to want to be alive. The only time I feel happy and alive is when I'm half blootered, but I can't do it anymore, don't want to do it anymore and am trying to stand my ground Sorry to whinge and snivel. I'm going through some rough times. I'm upset and in a rut that I can't seem to stay out of. I'm too damned depressed to really kill myself right now. Thanks for listening Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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