Alcoholism sucks

[Panz]

:Trigger:I'm sick of me. I'm sick of the lies that I tell myself and the inevitable end of the bender...the shame, self loathing and apologies. My fat wine belly...the fact that I'm sweating for a drink right now. Gritting my teeth...I can't give in, I can't stand this stupid cycle anymore. I know that I'll fall back in to binge land sooner or later. Am I suicidal? hell yes in a depressed totally inactive sort of way. I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this. I'm PTSD with a lot of cool add ons...I want to burn myself, to hurt myself to feel alive and real. I trigger, have really swell flashbacks, get into binging and generally bounce back and forth between being frantic, being angry,dissociating and going into limbo, getting suicidal which inevitably leads to long bouts of Dysphoric hell. I put down my last bottle of wine early this morning and am trying to find reasons to want to be alive. The only time I feel happy and alive is when I'm half blootered, but I can't do it anymore, don't want to do it anymore and am trying to stand my ground

Sorry to whinge and snivel. I'm going through some rough times. I'm upset and in a rut that I can't seem to stay out of. I'm too damned depressed to really kill myself right now.

Thanks for listening

[reba6465]

I can totally relate. Ialso live this hell. I stay locked in the prison of my house because I won't drive drunk and don't want to embarrass myself in public anymore. I can't sleep because I get the shakes all night and toss and turn. It is hell on earth.

[CheshireCat]

Hi Panz

I read your post and was so moved...I hope you won't mind me responding. I'm not really sure what to say other than I think I know how you feel and there is hope. I was right where you are. I drank wine all night, pretty much every night, for eight years, depressed sometimes, manic sometimes, blitzed out of my mind, ruining situations for myself, hating myself for what I was doing but not knowing how to stop. Every morning, I'd wake up and think, this has to stop! What the hell am I doing? Just look at me! I was an embarassment to myself. It just hurt all the time, but yet I could not imagine a night without my wine glass in my hand, that warmth surging through me, that woozy drunk coming over me and everything fading away.

One night, I got drunk and I went out in my backyard, climbed into my hot tub and nearly fell asleep. I decided, miraculously, that this was dangerous and climbed out. I missed the step and fell straight down. A couple inches difference and I would have hit my head and probably been knocked unconscious...no one would have known I was out there...or I could have easily been killed. Instead, I fell on my ass and was bruised so bad I could not walk for a week!

I know it sounds goofy, maybe, but I quit. I did not want to die and I knew my drinking was turning me into someone who could no longer think straight...I was a danger to myself. I quit. That was one year and ten months ago. Since then, things in my life were clarified to the point where I finally got a diagnosis I'd needed for years...of bipolar disorder...I'm on meds now and they help me not drink...it's not like I don't think about it anymore, though, 'cuz I do.

I'm not in ANY way proud of quitting. I'm not proud of what I used to be and I'm not proud of what I am now. I just want you to know that it CAN stop. It really can. That ache inside that says it will never, ever end, it's lying to you. It's a voice that wants to see you gone, it's some self-destructive worthless voice that isn't right, Panz. This CAN stop. You can PM me if you want. I'm not one to preach or push anyone into AA or anything like that (absolutely no offense to anyone who does AA or is helped by it, but I did not do it)...I actually used mindfulness techniques and stuff like that...but that's not the point right now.

The point now is that you see that this really, really can stop. I have been where you are. And I'm not saying I'm living on the Goodship Lollypop now or anything...Ha!...but I don't drink to make that pain go away anymore and I don't hate myself for drinking when I wake up every morning anymore and it feels really good. You can feel that good, too. I promise.

Hang in there. I'm thinking of you.

~Cat

[Breeze]

Hey guys:

The Life of the Party stopped drinking three years ago. That would be me. I woke up one morning and decided this wasn't the person I wanted to be. So I stopped. I was lucky, it was easy.

But that wasn't the first time I stopped. I tried before and would last maybe a day. I drank A LOT in the end, but feel so much better three years down the road with no alcohol. Yes at times I think my life would be easier if I had a pop, but I won't do it. I have something better now.

That is the trick. You have to want something more than booze to really stop. I never attended AA, I never really did anything but stop.

My last drinks came on Christmas eve three years ago. Everyone at that party will tell you I was not drunk. But the next morning, I went to get my dog buddies and to take them to the beach. They were outa control. All I could do was sit on a log and watch them. I was so hung over I thought I would die. I decided then and there that it was over. I spent Christmas day with the hang over from hell.

I said I didn't do AA, but some of their stuff helps. The Serenity Prayer, and a few other sayings that people have told me really help. I am not religious, but I am very spiritual. And that helps too.

If you are having this much trouble, then you can't do it alone. Get your p-doc or t-doc involved. Mine was floored when I quit drinking. But she reminds me when I am overly frustrated how much better my life is without alcohol. And she's right. The thing is, I have never been serious or close to drinking again.

You need a "buddy" who can support you. I will be happy to do so with pm's if you want and can't find anyone else. I know you can do it.

And remember. If you slip? It's no big deal. Tomorrow is another day.

Breeze

[lilie]

I definitely understand what you're going through. But you can stop I know it's really hard. Theres a yahoo group called aabeginnersclub@yahoogroups.com it's kind of cool because you can read and pick the stuff you need as you feel like it and disregard what might not work for you. Take it one step at a time. It sucks trying to stay sober but you can do it.

Lilie

[CheshireCat]

I totally second Breeze about the slips...it really is no big deal...some people go through slips, some don't...I know I did...but I kept saying to myself, this is like learning to walk, you fall, you get up, you take more steps, eventually you just walk away...

You can do it.

This isn't just cheerleading.

~Cat

[reba6465]

The biggest obstacle is wanting to stop amd I'm not there yet. I guess i need to hit " rock bottom" as they say. Thank you for the replies

[celestia]

Panz,

It takes a lot of guts to say these things, so give yourself credit for that. I have make no secrets on these boards about my own love affair with drugs and alcohol. For me, the right receipe seemed to be AA for the first couple of years--during the time I JUST could.not.stop. I moved on to more open-minded forms of staying clean/sober after a few years of 12 steps.

Now days it's just a whole different world, I won't bore you with. But, IMO, as a died hard dope fiend and almost as committed alky, 12 steps are the best for the 1st year or 2 of soberiety.

PM me if you like. Unfortunately, I have TOO much experience to share in this area. But am glad to share it if it helps someone out who was in as much pain as I was when I couldn't stop.

S9

[blackbird]

As an alkie in the first flush of recovery I can identify with the misery caused by alcoholism. It destroyed my sanity (alcoholic hallucinosis) and almost cost me my family.

Unfortunately I think the only time when people feel really compelled to change is when they hit their personal rock bottom. This varies for everyone.

[Millie_O]

So, Panz? Where y'at? Did you check in someplace? Did you get scared away? Come on back, we're wondering...

And Reba - why wait til you hit "rock bottom?" There's no guarantee that you'll bounce. It sounds like you're in hell already. What's it gonna take?

Millie

(PS - sorry if I'm coming on too strong. When I first stopped drinking about a gazillion years ago the only way to get through to me was to spell it all out in big bold letters so I tend to do the same.)

[Panz]

Big scary steps

I am still drinking a lot, but I started in a processes recovery group (The local AA is big and scary, and i haven't managed to even go to a meeting) This is cool and is ran by my Tdoc, so I kind of had a standing invitation. I'm the only girl, which is cool with me. The funky part is that most of these guys regularly end up in jail and are in thier 20's. I'm 45 and feel like I could be mum to all of them, but I feel like a relic. At least I'm going, I'm public phobic and feel like a big brave girl for actually making it to this stage. Thank you guys for all of the support, I don't think I could do it with out your help

Peace and cookies

Panz

[Scooterman]

Hi Panz,

I'm 50 and am sober today. there is alot of good remember whens for me as I read through this thread. I agree i could not get sober alone. And being a real isolator it is always difficult for me to go into crowded rooms, but eventually I began to.. Sounds like you are taking some steps to try and stop... The process group sounds like a step in the right direction, as does your honesty about your problem on this thread, and getting your doc involved.

I know how hard it is right now. I know for along time alcohol was the lifeline that was killing me. A love hate relationship. Good luck and keep reaching out YOU ARE NOT ALONE...

Scooterman

[reba6465]

I went to two AA meetings a couple of weeks ago and couldn't relate to any of it. I go back and forth about whether or not I have a real problem or I just like to have a few drinks. Right now I am at the " I just like a few drinks" more than "I have a problem". I have to be able to accept step one before I can accept AA as a way to quit. Right now I don't want to quit. I can't imagine life without alcohol. Sad but true.

[blackbird]

reba6465 Posted Today, 03:35 PM

I went to two AA meetings a couple of weeks ago and couldn't relate to any of it. I go back and forth about whether or not I have a real problem or I just like to have a few drinks. Right now I am at the " I just like a few drinks" more than "I have a problem". I have to be able to accept step one before I can accept AA as a way to quit. Right now I don't want to quit. I can't imagine life without alcohol. Sad but true.

I couldn't relate to AA either, I went to two meetings and they were all rejoicing at their sobriety - all happy at giving up booze and I was in the depths of the most terrible alcohol cravings. You are right, you can't give up alcohol unless you really want to. When you're ready you will.

[olga]

Panz:

I'm reading and I wanted you to know that I hoping you can stick with the group and beat this thing. I'm not an alcoholic, so I won't say that I know what it's like, but I can see the pain in your posts and it gets me in the heart.

So, with Millie and S9 and the others here, I'm pulling for you and hoping for the best. I'm sorry the AA group is so big and intimidating, so maybe this other group will get you started.

Young guys, eh? Need any help with that?

olga's evil twin

[CheshireCat]

I never went to AA meetings. Way too much anxiety and, I'll just be real super honest, my dad went in and out of AA while I was growing up and I was jaded I guess. And for me, I didn't want to give up my power. I had spent my whole life feeling powerless. That's part of why I drank, for crying out loud.

So I never did admit I was powerless over alcohol. I got fed up and said, with the little tiny bit of power inside me, I can do this. I can quit. I am not powerless over this shit. For me, that was what it took. Everyone is different. It doesn't have to be AA. I say that not to put down AA at all...I am in total support of people that take that path...but I am always going to throw out a line to those that say, umm, I'm just not sure I can go to AA, it might not be for me. Because it wasn't for me. And I made it. So far, anyway. A year and ten months.

The main point is, do you want to keep drinking? Is it doing for you what you want it to do in your life? If it's hurting you and you want to stop, there are ways to stop. It's not impossible, even when it totally feels like it is impossible. I felt like it was impossible for years. But when you're ready, when you've had enough, when that drunk is just not worth it anymore, you really are stronger than the alcohol.

...that said...if you're experiencing physical symptoms like blackouts and shakes and whatnot, you should probably be in touch with your pdoc about quitting, esp if you are on meds while drinking, because quitting cold turkey without some help when you're genuinely hooked is not smart. Be careful, everybody.

I am thinking about all of you and am really with you on this. Quitting drinking was one of the hardest things I ever did. The steps you're taking, whatever they may be, wow...

~Cat

[Millie_O]

Big scary steps

Hi Panz,

I can almost guarantee that the first step, which you've already taken, is the biggest and scariest. From here on in you can take baby steps and it will all work out. The big scary AA meetings ARE big and scary. If you're still interested in AA I'm sure there are smaller groups around somewhere - step meetings, for example, or big book meetings - but if you don't want to do AA that's ok too. There are many ways to stop drinking. The hard part is to stay stopped but even that can be done in baby steps. It sounds like the recovery group is a great start. You're talking to your tdoc, you're going to the group, you're doing great. It's ok that you're still drinking. You'll stop when you're ready and only YOU can decide when you're ready. I swear, I thought about getting sober for YEARS before I actually did it. Keep checking in. You're not alone.

MillieO

[dianebea]

Check out Moderation Management (www.moderation.org). It is an organization of people who want to control their drinking---or who have decided that abstinence is the best route for them.

I've been a part of the group for about 4 years. My drinking was not at what I would consider a dangerous level, but it was making me miserable. With MM, I reduced the amount I was drinking. It's not an easy process, but definitely is possible.

Now, I abstain because of my medication and the fact that my husband is AA.

Best,

Dianebea

[Panz]

Okay, this is my first morning with out wine. I have been on a hell bender. Thursday I drank 6 litres of wine. I'm sick, I have the chills and sweats, I want to just run back to the bottle. But my Doctor has tossed down the ultimatum : Stop drinking entirely or no more Clonazepam...Dear god! I want off of these addictions.

small steps, one day at a time. Wish me luck. I am tired of missing my life due to dinking

[olga]

We're here, Panz.

Can you get out of the house at all? I don't know if it would help you to walk or something, but I need to get away from the thing I'm avoiding. (Ex-smoker and former binge eater, here).

Good on you for trying, and we're all pulling for you. That wine is the enemy, not your friend.

I hope S9 and Breeze and some of the others come by. Stay with us here on the boards if that helps you.

Hugs--

olga

[Millie_O]

Hiya Panz,

You must feel terrible. 6 liters of wine? Ouch. So listen, take some advil and drink some water and go back to bed. Can you sleep? Is there someone you can talk to? Did your doctor give you any numbers to call or anything? You will survive this. If one day at a time is too hard just do one hour at a time. We're here. I can't speak for anyone else but I know I'm not drinking today. Hang in there. It gets better.

MillieO

[Breeze]

Panz:

Sometimes when we're in pain, we have to take it an hour at a time. Try not to think about the ultimatum. Try to think how much better your life will be without that crutch. You don't need to drink, you just have the habit of it.

Millie's right. Drink a lot of water. If you have some Clonazapam, take 1/2 pills every few hours. That will keep the anxiety down. If you have anxiety, with a horrid hangover, you have "anxiety on top of anxiety" This will pass. Try and do some slow breathing. This isn't the end of the world, this is a really bad hangover.

Then. I would look into AA online. They have tons of meetings, for free, online. I checked them out myself for someone who was reluctant to leave the house. You can attend several meetings. To-day. On your computer, right where you are sitting now. By the end of the day you'll feel like you have started. And that's what you need to do - start.

Come back and tell us how you are, but google "AA meetings online" and you'll be amazed how many there are. It's a start. You may want to eventually attend live meetings, but for now, today, and we're concentrating on today - go on line.

And hang in there - the best thing for a hang over is "tomorrow".

Breeze

PS If you are having trouble finding a meeting online - pm me and I'll find you one. I need to know where you are in terms of time zones.

[frosty]

Today is Saturday and for me is was big time "lets get all dressed up to the nines and drink till you drop... or till you forget how miserable you are..

No more ..I quit since the incident 2 weeks ago.. i am afraid now.. I crave for that shot like crazy..

But I need to remind myself pills and booze don't mix... It is like smoking I guess... a hour at atime, and it will get better.

I quit that as well ...5 years ago a 2 pack a day habit... Even if I am offered a drink it is NO. I hate the

impression people had of me.. I was a weekend drinker.(mostly) a couple of drinks maybe during the week

if upset but people thought I was a drop dead drunk... I hated that. People said SHE HAS A DRINKING

PROBLEM.. i COULD HAVE KILLED THEM. A true addict in my opinion is defined this way.. if you would rather smoke.. or drink.. rather than eat a nice meal... I would rather smoke before.

If lets say my urge to drink gets to be unbearable for me.. That pill they give(name forgotten due to brain

malfunction) I will ask for it. I will take it to help myself.. If you really want to quit.. You can and use all the availabe resources out there for you Panz... You CAN DO IT. WE CAN DO IT TOGETHER... luV fROSTY.

[lilie]

Frosty I think you mean Campral (for the alcohol cravings to stop them) I am contemplating it myself. Let's just say Fathers Day wasn't as I'd hoped(lecture on how much weight I'd gain and that I looked "exactly" like my Mom before she had a heart attack and died.) and I drank a "little" more than absolutely necessary. and I'm drinking today. Maybe a group effort will help us all.

Lilie

[Panz]

You guys are all just awesome! thanks to everyone of you for helping. I'm on day four and holding steady. Scared to death of groups of people and sometimes just any people at all, but I'm going to my "Processes" group in about an hour. I want to beat this thing. I want my life back

[olga]

Panz, I was thinking aobut you today and came here to see if you posted. Good for you---4 days!! That's terrific! It's a wonderful start and don't worry about being terrified of groups. Just keep your eyes on the prize.

Are you feeling okay? Do you have any medication to get through this early part? I always thought people got horrible withdrawal stuff. Anyway, I'm SO glad you posted and checked in with us because I was worried.

olga

[Breeze]

And AA didn't have it so wrong with their motto: "one day at a time"

We're proud of you!

Breeze

[CheshireCat]

Hi Panz....was just thinking of you and was so happy to see you here and to read that you're on day four. Wonderful. You're still wanting it and that is great. So, so great. I really hear you about the fear of people...I was there, too. It's okay. We're here. Hope your process group goes okay. You're brave.

~Cat

[CheshireCat]

Hi to you, Lilie...

Sorry Father's Day sucked.

People just open their mouths without thinking about the hurt they're going to inflict. Sorry it had to go that way for you when you just didn't need it. But don't let it count you out in any way...each day is a new chance to think about what you want and need.

One little aside...I've heard that Topamax can help some with the alcohol cravings and the impulsivity, too. I don't know if you're on Topa or have tried it or whatever...just a little mention...

Take care, Lilie,

~Cat

[lilie]

Thanks Cat and good wishes to everybody. We can get through this. We're mentally Interesting we've got extra fortitude

Lilie

[frosty]

Hi Panz

Just checking in.. Hope you are getting stronger teeny bits at a time.. Nothing ever happens overnight..

It took 2 years to finally kick a 2 pack a day cig habit, I would stop, get stressed out in a month , start for a week stop and the cycle all ways continue until the day it stopped.

I don't know whether I am giving you the right advice, but my attitude when I finally decided to stop was That I could always wait another hour or so.. see what happens..and If I really needed to have one. I would. It never happened..

I did that for months until I forgot... Hope and and if there is any luck in me to give... I send all your way..

Frosty..

[Breeze]

Topamax DOES work to reduce alcohol cravings. My friend took it and was totally blown away.

Of course she stopped and now is a practicing drunk drinker again.

Breeze