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:Trigger:I'm sick of me. I'm sick of the lies that I tell myself and the inevitable end of the bender...the shame, self loathing and apologies. My fat wine belly...the fact that I'm sweating for a drink right now. Gritting my teeth...I can't give in, I can't stand this stupid cycle anymore. I know that I'll fall back in to binge land sooner or later. Am I suicidal? hell yes in a depressed totally inactive sort of way. I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this. I'm PTSD with a lot of cool add ons...I want to burn myself, to hurt myself to feel alive and real. I trigger, have really swell flashbacks, get into binging and generally bounce back and forth between being frantic, being angry,dissociating and going into limbo, getting suicidal which inevitably leads to long bouts of Dysphoric hell. I put down my last bottle of wine early this morning and am trying to find reasons to want to be alive. The only time I feel happy and alive is when I'm half blootered, but I can't do it anymore, don't want to do it anymore and am trying to stand my ground

Sorry to whinge and snivel. I'm going through some rough times. I'm upset and in a rut that I can't seem to stay out of. I'm too damned depressed to really kill myself right now.

Thanks for listening

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I can totally relate. Ialso live this hell. I stay locked in the prison of my house because I won't drive drunk and don't want to embarrass myself in public anymore. I can't sleep because I get the shakes all night and toss and turn. It is hell on earth.

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Hi Panz

I read your post and was so moved...I hope you won't mind me responding. I'm not really sure what to say other than I think I know how you feel and there is hope. I was right where you are. I drank wine all night, pretty much every night, for eight years, depressed sometimes, manic sometimes, blitzed out of my mind, ruining situations for myself, hating myself for what I was doing but not knowing how to stop. Every morning, I'd wake up and think, this has to stop! What the hell am I doing? Just look at me! I was an embarassment to myself. It just hurt all the time, but yet I could not imagine a night without my wine glass in my hand, that warmth surging through me, that woozy drunk coming over me and everything fading away.

One night, I got drunk and I went out in my backyard, climbed into my hot tub and nearly fell asleep. I decided, miraculously, that this was dangerous and climbed out. I missed the step and fell straight down. A couple inches difference and I would have hit my head and probably been knocked unconscious...no one would have known I was out there...or I could have easily been killed. Instead, I fell on my ass and was bruised so bad I could not walk for a week!

I know it sounds goofy, maybe, but I quit. I did not want to die and I knew my drinking was turning me into someone who could no longer think straight...I was a danger to myself. I quit. That was one year and ten months ago. Since then, things in my life were clarified to the point where I finally got a diagnosis I'd needed for years...of bipolar disorder...I'm on meds now and they help me not drink...it's not like I don't think about it anymore, though, 'cuz I do.

I'm not in ANY way proud of quitting. I'm not proud of what I used to be and I'm not proud of what I am now. I just want you to know that it CAN stop. It really can. That ache inside that says it will never, ever end, it's lying to you. It's a voice that wants to see you gone, it's some self-destructive worthless voice that isn't right, Panz. This CAN stop. You can PM me if you want. I'm not one to preach or push anyone into AA or anything like that (absolutely no offense to anyone who does AA or is helped by it, but I did not do it)...I actually used mindfulness techniques and stuff like that...but that's not the point right now.

The point now is that you see that this really, really can stop. I have been where you are. And I'm not saying I'm living on the Goodship Lollypop now or anything...Ha!...but I don't drink to make that pain go away anymore and I don't hate myself for drinking when I wake up every morning anymore and it feels really good. You can feel that good, too. I promise.

Hang in there. I'm thinking of you.

~Cat

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Hey guys:

The Life of the Party stopped drinking three years ago. That would be me. ;) I woke up one morning and decided this wasn't the person I wanted to be. So I stopped. I was lucky, it was easy.

But that wasn't the first time I stopped. I tried before and would last maybe a day. I drank A LOT in the end, but feel so much better three years down the road with no alcohol. Yes at times I think my life would be easier if I had a pop, but I won't do it. I have something better now.

That is the trick. You have to want something more than booze to really stop. I never attended AA, I never really did anything but stop.

My last drinks came on Christmas eve three years ago. Everyone at that party will tell you I was not drunk. But the next morning, I went to get my dog buddies and to take them to the beach. They were outa control. All I could do was sit on a log and watch them. I was so hung over I thought I would die. I decided then and there that it was over. I spent Christmas day with the hang over from hell.

I said I didn't do AA, but some of their stuff helps. The Serenity Prayer, and a few other sayings that people have told me really help. I am not religious, but I am very spiritual. And that helps too.

If you are having this much trouble, then you can't do it alone. Get your p-doc or t-doc involved. Mine was floored when I quit drinking. But she reminds me when I am overly frustrated how much better my life is without alcohol. And she's right. The thing is, I have never been serious or close to drinking again.

You need a "buddy" who can support you. I will be happy to do so with pm's if you want and can't find anyone else. I know you can do it.

And remember. If you slip? It's no big deal. Tomorrow is another day.

Breeze

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I definitely understand what you're going through. But you can stop I know it's really hard. Theres a yahoo group called aabeginnersclub@yahoogroups.com it's kind of cool because you can read and pick the stuff you need as you feel like it and disregard what might not work for you. Take it one step at a time. It sucks trying to stay sober but you can do it.

Lilie

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I totally second Breeze about the slips...it really is no big deal...some people go through slips, some don't...I know I did...but I kept saying to myself, this is like learning to walk, you fall, you get up, you take more steps, eventually you just walk away...

You can do it.

This isn't just cheerleading.

~Cat

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Panz,

It takes a lot of guts to say these things, so give yourself credit for that. I have make no secrets on these boards about my own love affair with drugs and alcohol. For me, the right receipe seemed to be AA for the first couple of years--during the time I JUST could.not.stop. I moved on to more open-minded forms of staying clean/sober after a few years of 12 steps.

Now days it's just a whole different world, I won't bore you with. But, IMO, as a died hard dope fiend and almost as committed alky, 12 steps are the best for the 1st year or 2 of soberiety.

PM me if you like. Unfortunately, I have TOO much experience to share in this area. But am glad to share it if it helps someone out who was in as much pain as I was when I couldn't stop.

S9

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As an alkie in the first flush of recovery I can identify with the misery caused by alcoholism. It destroyed my sanity (alcoholic hallucinosis) and almost cost me my family.

Unfortunately I think the only time when people feel really compelled to change is when they hit their personal rock bottom. This varies for everyone.

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So, Panz? Where y'at? Did you check in someplace? Did you get scared away? Come on back, we're wondering...

And Reba - why wait til you hit "rock bottom?" There's no guarantee that you'll bounce. It sounds like you're in hell already. What's it gonna take?

Millie

(PS - sorry if I'm coming on too strong. When I first stopped drinking about a gazillion years ago the only way to get through to me was to spell it all out in big bold letters so I tend to do the same.)

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Big scary steps

I am still drinking a lot, but I started in a processes recovery group (The local AA is big and scary, and i haven't managed to even go to a meeting) This is cool and is ran by my Tdoc, so I kind of had a standing invitation. I'm the only girl, which is cool with me. The funky part is that most of these guys regularly end up in jail and are in thier 20's. I'm 45 and feel like I could be mum to all of them, but I feel like a relic. At least I'm going, I'm public phobic and feel like a big brave girl for actually making it to this stage. Thank you guys for all of the support, I don't think I could do it with out your help

Peace and cookies

Panz

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Hi Panz,

I'm 50 and am sober today. there is alot of good remember whens for me as I read through this thread. I agree i could not get sober alone. And being a real isolator it is always difficult for me to go into crowded rooms, but eventually I began to.. Sounds like you are taking some steps to try and stop... The process group sounds like a step in the right direction, as does your honesty about your problem on this thread, and getting your doc involved.

I know how hard it is right now. I know for along time alcohol was the lifeline that was killing me. A love hate relationship. Good luck and keep reaching out YOU ARE NOT ALONE...

Scooterman

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I went to two AA meetings a couple of weeks ago and couldn't relate to any of it. I go back and forth about whether or not I have a real problem or I just like to have a few drinks. Right now I am at the " I just like a few drinks" more than "I have a problem". I have to be able to accept step one before I can accept AA as a way to quit. Right now I don't want to quit. I can't imagine life without alcohol. Sad but true.

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reba6465 Posted Today, 03:35 PM

I went to two AA meetings a couple of weeks ago and couldn't relate to any of it. I go back and forth about whether or not I have a real problem or I just like to have a few drinks. Right now I am at the " I just like a few drinks" more than "I have a problem". I have to be able to accept step one before I can accept AA as a way to quit. Right now I don't want to quit. I can't imagine life without alcohol. Sad but true.

I couldn't relate to AA either, I went to two meetings and they were all rejoicing at their sobriety - all happy at giving up booze and I was in the depths of the most terrible alcohol cravings. You are right, you can't give up alcohol unless you really want to. When you're ready you will.

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Panz:

I'm reading and I wanted you to know that I hoping you can stick with the group and beat this thing. I'm not an alcoholic, so I won't say that I know what it's like, but I can see the pain in your posts and it gets me in the heart.

So, with Millie and S9 and the others here, I'm pulling for you and hoping for the best. I'm sorry the AA group is so big and intimidating, so maybe this other group will get you started.

Young guys, eh? Need any help with that? ;)

olga's evil twin

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I never went to AA meetings. Way too much anxiety and, I'll just be real super honest, my dad went in and out of AA while I was growing up and I was jaded I guess. And for me, I didn't want to give up my power. I had spent my whole life feeling powerless. That's part of why I drank, for crying out loud.

So I never did admit I was powerless over alcohol. I got fed up and said, with the little tiny bit of power inside me, I can do this. I can quit. I am not powerless over this shit. For me, that was what it took. Everyone is different. It doesn't have to be AA. I say that not to put down AA at all...I am in total support of people that take that path...but I am always going to throw out a line to those that say, umm, I'm just not sure I can go to AA, it might not be for me. Because it wasn't for me. And I made it. So far, anyway. A year and ten months.

The main point is, do you want to keep drinking? Is it doing for you what you want it to do in your life? If it's hurting you and you want to stop, there are ways to stop. It's not impossible, even when it totally feels like it is impossible. I felt like it was impossible for years. But when you're ready, when you've had enough, when that drunk is just not worth it anymore, you really are stronger than the alcohol.

...that said...if you're experiencing physical symptoms like blackouts and shakes and whatnot, you should probably be in touch with your pdoc about quitting, esp if you are on meds while drinking, because quitting cold turkey without some help when you're genuinely hooked is not smart. Be careful, everybody.

I am thinking about all of you and am really with you on this. Quitting drinking was one of the hardest things I ever did. The steps you're taking, whatever they may be, wow...

~Cat

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Big scary steps

Hi Panz,

I can almost guarantee that the first step, which you've already taken, is the biggest and scariest. From here on in you can take baby steps and it will all work out. The big scary AA meetings ARE big and scary. If you're still interested in AA I'm sure there are smaller groups around somewhere - step meetings, for example, or big book meetings - but if you don't want to do AA that's ok too. There are many ways to stop drinking. The hard part is to stay stopped but even that can be done in baby steps. It sounds like the recovery group is a great start. You're talking to your tdoc, you're going to the group, you're doing great. It's ok that you're still drinking. You'll stop when you're ready and only YOU can decide when you're ready. I swear, I thought about getting sober for YEARS before I actually did it. Keep checking in. You're not alone.

MillieO

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Check out Moderation Management (www.moderation.org). It is an organization of people who want to control their drinking---or who have decided that abstinence is the best route for them.

I've been a part of the group for about 4 years. My drinking was not at what I would consider a dangerous level, but it was making me miserable. With MM, I reduced the amount I was drinking. It's not an easy process, but definitely is possible.

Now, I abstain because of my medication and the fact that my husband is AA.

Best,

Dianebea

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Okay, this is my first morning with out wine. I have been on a hell bender. Thursday I drank 6 litres of wine. I'm sick, I have the chills and sweats, I want to just run back to the bottle. But my Doctor has tossed down the ultimatum : Stop drinking entirely or no more Clonazepam...Dear god! I want off of these addictions.

small steps, one day at a time. Wish me luck. I am tired of missing my life due to dinking

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We're here, Panz.

Can you get out of the house at all? I don't know if it would help you to walk or something, but I need to get away from the thing I'm avoiding. (Ex-smoker and former binge eater, here).

Good on you for trying, and we're all pulling for you. That wine is the enemy, not your friend.

I hope S9 and Breeze and some of the others come by. Stay with us here on the boards if that helps you.

Hugs--

olga

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