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Hello!!

I passed my motorbike test this morning (wa-hey!). I've been learning for about seven months. I have finally passed my test on the 2nd attempt. It's such a relief. I love motorbikes and I can't wait to get out on the road and riding. I just need to get insurance and I am away.

Anyway, I don't feel happy at all and I don't know why ;) For about an hour after I passed my test, I felt like two people, completely separate from each-other. Person number one was happy and cheering that I had finally done it. Person number two was depressed, sad and anxious, and could only think about what a bastard I was and how I didn't deserve happiness for what I have done to people (and someone in particular, despite that I know she was lying). Then I was watching TV and saw the video for "Everybody Hurts" by REM. All I could think was how it was time for me to go and leave this world, although I know I won't do it today. I haven't taken my Sertraline today yet, but my psychiatrist said to take it at 6pm from today and that isn't the reason either.

I don't know what is wrong with me :) I should be so happy, but I am not. I had an hour of mild happiness and then BOOM!

I feel lost.....

:cussing:

Also, I suck ass.

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I'm so selfish too. I always try to help but I don't reply to everyone, which I should do.

;)

You sure expect alot of yourself. You've probably heard this a million times before, but what makes you so special? I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just trying to make you see that you're no worse, or better than anyone else. Everybody's done lousy things in their lifetime, but if you spend all your time beating yourself up about it, you won't have time for a life. (And it IS a life, whether you like it or not).

I'm sorry to be so hard on you and I hope I'm not hurting you. I had to respond to your posts because I really, actually care. Hang in there.

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it sounds to me like u better get that god dammed insurance for your bike! it appears that may be something that will give u pleasure and take your mind off your other downer thoughts! I wish I could be so enthusisastic about something, anything, anyway congrats on passing the test, get on the phone to that insurance company and happy motoring.

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dude, you're depressed & have just started treatment. go easy on yourself & don't expect instant results. sometimes we depressed folks just have to ride the wave (of bad emotion) out, ya know?

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I don't know what is wrong with me ;) I should be so happy, but I am not. I had an hour of mild happiness and then BOOM!

its this great thing some moron made up called depression. yeah, it sucks ass, hard. happiness, what's that? ...but you being depressed isn't something you can really control. meds, therapy, support groups, they can all help you deal with it and maybe eventually get it to where it's not taking over your life, but. you'll always have this thing called depression looming over you. besides, you're only starting to get help now. you have to give it some time to work. just remember, it's not something you have much control over.

and -- I know, I know, wait six weeks and all that stuff -- your meds really don't seem to be doing anything for you. personal experience, I've never had to wait six weeks for something to start working. but, I dunno. you just -- you might mention to your pdoc that they aren't helping much and see what s/he says.

good luck. take care of yourself.

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Hello!

It feels like I have this big, full-to-capacity balloon full of my thoughts and feelings that I just want to jab with a needle and burst!! That's why I am so anxious and worried that I won't say everything I want to when I go to see my counsellor or psychiatrist. I just want to get it all out so badly and so fast. I could spend all day talking to my counsellor or psychiatrist. When I first went to my regular doctor, I thought that in a few months I would be getting better and feeling fine, but I have realised I was wrong. I was also against medication then, as I felt I didn't need it, and in total denial about it been anything other than simple pent-up emotion.

I keep looking for a quick fix, and I'm slowly realising it's not that simple and easy. I'm still so embarassed with my parents about it.

I'm starting to realise (with the help of people here) that I have no control over it too. It just comes and go when it pleases ;) I wish I did so badly. I wish I had a "Memory Erase" button on my head. Sadly, and rather commonly, I don't :) Anyway, I just sometimes get fed up with crashing down again anytime anything good happens. A lot of the time it is the intrusive thoughts that I know are not true. I need to be more resilient. I am just so scared of what my brain is capable of doing :cussing:

I haven't been very good to myself today. I did order my scar-healing cream and buy a concealer, but I did more more damage to myself this afternoon than I did good :wtf:

Take care all!!

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you know, it's really really soon in your treatment to expect major results, given the depth of your depression. really. i mean, if you had a major operation on your knee, would you expect to be out of a cast and fully rehabbed in just 2 weeks? some things do take time.

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Ah fuck it, I sound ridiculous everywhere I go, both in cyberspace and real life. If I go back to all my posts, I sound immature, pathetic, unhelpful and ridiculous. I mean all my topics and all my replies.

I give up. You're all better off without me.

This world is better off without me, though that's probably a completely different story (< see, ridiculous, again!).

Goodbye

*Signing off completely*

---------------------------

^^^

That wasn't a response to your message, reddog. I was typing whilst you were.

(Just wanted to say that)

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Heya easyrider,

Heh.

No more pathetic than the rest of us.

This is the best place to get all those thoughts out in the open.

Awhile since I was deeply depressed but it *can* get better and you *can* give it time, keep reaching out.

(Plus, I like your use of smilies, I sometimes wish I had them on stickers so I could show everyone when I'm trying to be nice)

--ncc--

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