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taking a ride with ya

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Hello. I guess I am on the elevator going down.

i feel so fat and ugly and stupid compared to the rest of the world. i have some great qualities, but it is these that i focus on.

watching people function normally, meaning, able to do what needs to be done. this even means people who are less fortunate, yet they can work two jobs, support a family and have outside interests. i know these normal people have problems, too, but it is the ones who can just keep on existing, moving about this world with ease. i see it everyday and it is driving me nuts!

i don't know anything. i don't remember things. details go in one ear and out the other. i cannot hold a decent conversation about anything but my problems and love and compassion and what i think is wrong with the world. which is fine, i guess, but i don't have any one subject that i know oodles about. well, maybe those things, but i cannot support with facts and it is such a small amount.

i have had low self-esteem since i was a kid. picked on all the time. i have forgiven them because i know that they are a product of a society that does not emphasize respect and tolerance. the low self-esteem sticks with you for a long time.

i am stable on drugs. I guess i just don't know what to do from here. i have so much i want to accomplish, but no drive. doing anything other than watch tv has not been a part of my life.

just feeling lost and inadequate right now. waiting for wellbutrin to kick in to complement my lexapro.

most of the time i am pretty even tempered. happy. haven't felt that way.

i am also impatient. hard to sit still.

i have been eating fast food out the wahoo.

the world moves too fast. i am left behind.

there is so much information out there. i am overwhelmed by it.

ok, thanks for listening.

oh, and i am not so down to remember that i have come a long way and that this is just a bump in the road. could be a lot worse.

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My head is so fuzzy this morning. I have no answers for you.

Already have phone calls this morning, told the finance guy I'm too busy to talk.

coffee needs to be IntraVenous this morning.

Solution: I"m going to go get a chili dog, and have it with a big glass of cold milk.

Wanna ride along?


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my cousin visited me yesterday and then told my mom that she didn't stay too long because i was crabby. so i'm crabby. so what!

i'm going to just curl up and take some klonopin and hope the world just goes away. i don't have a job, so maybe it will just go away.

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Be it good or bad, I'm right there with you. ;) I was on this wonderful high for about 3 weeks, where I could finally write again, and a week ago I crashed. Four hours locked in the hotel bathroom crying while my friends sat outside the door asking me what was wrong. I was damn sure that I was gonna kill myself once my vacation was over. I spent the whole week sobbing in my boyfriend's arms. I feel for you, down is a horrible direction to be headed in, let's just hope we've already reached the bottom floor.

Can I borrow some of your appetite, though? I can't seem to eat anything but onions. Lots and lots of lemon-sauteed onions. It's hard to even choke down a jolt to keep me awake, despite last night's 9 hours of sleep. Really shouldn't be drinking this, but I figure if I drink it slowly it's okay, and I don't have much of a choice anyway.

I'm bored out of my mind at work and can't even get the drawings done that I'm supposed to do because my art skills aren't functioning.

I'll sit here in the corner punching all the buttons till it heads back up, eh?

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god, i wish i could cry! no outlet, can't do it.

i guess if you are stupid, there is not too much help for that. and i mean this from an anaylitcal view. i know what i lack. it is obvious.

i don''t even see how i will attract a mate. they want someone smart. should i settle for a stupid guy?

sorry, just feeling really down on myself.

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Jesus, I am earing like a run-away Hoover, too. Its miserable--I will eat till it hurts

I have decided that me and pdoc are gonna chat about rearranging something--I start out the day feeling great, and by 4 PM have crashed like a bomb.

I take my Wellbutirin in the AM, Zoloft at night--now logic would tell you that the wellbutrin must be working better than the Zoloft--but I know it ain't that simple, as it takes a while for each to get into my system. So we gotta make some sort of change.

This happens even when I am on the up elevator (which never really gets to the top floor--please, no jokes_) And when I have pushed the "down button"- (Oh, Mr. Tyler--going---down???) I really crash in the late afternoon.

Suggestions? I am also gonna talk some more to him about the ADHD, but I know not to take the Strattera at night. But it works great about 4--

But enough about me--

I know so well that horible pain, that feeling that you are on the outside looking in, no matter what you do or say--

We're here, we all know, and we care-- hang in there, kiddo--


P.S. You sure don't sound stupid to me, a stupid person would not be able to articulate his feelings so well, and most likely wouldn't even consider being so open with a bunch of looney strangers. You put yourself outthere for us, seeking help, and that is the LEAST stupid thing I know of!

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