I am sorry

[easyrider1984]

Hello!!

I couldn't wait to get back home this morning so I could post this. I felt I needed to get it off my chest.

I am sorry about last night. I made the mistake again of making judgements when I was so tired. I hadn't slept for 18+ hours and I only had 5 hours sleep the night before. On top of that I had a stressful morning and I cut in the afternoon, so it probably wasn't the best day. I only had 5 hours sleep last night too I still feel horrible, a little less suicidal, but I am better, at least, if only a little.

I just wish I could take it back. I have done on here what I do everywhere. I've made myself look stupid and blown it. I'm so embarassed. This place helps me so much to get through each day I'll be viewed in a worse light from now on, and I can't deal with that. It won't be the same and I feel shit for it. I am sorry. I... just... don't know what to say to make it right again. I feel like I can't be here anymore.

I just feel so unwanted and unloved. If people don't respond, or aren't even there to respond, I think that it's because they don't want to and that they don't like me and don't care like everyone else. I can't help it. It's just the way my brain works. My car is having a service today. I caught the bus back and I can't help but think people are looking at me and that I'm ugly and laughable to everyone. Plus a whole load of other stuff. I'm just so used to been disliked that I head straight for, and most of the time I am right But.... well, I don't think I can say anymore. It doesn't feel like anything more I say will do any good.

Take care!!

[stinky]

meh. you haven't embarrassed yourself or anything like that. and if you're going to insist on it, better here than anywhere else. we really do understand. don't beat yourself up about it. you obviously have more important things to worry about. worry about them instead.

honey, take it easy.

[Cerberus]

ER -

Apologizing for posting what you posted is like apologizing for peeing in the toilet. This place exists for you to post such things. That's what it's for.

Now see here, my friend; reading over your recent posts, it's pretty clear that the ol' Zoloft isn't cutting the mustard. Time to call the pdoc. Like, today. Your depression has got you by the neck and shaking you like a dog shakes a rat. You don't have to live like this. I've been where you are now, and relief is available. But it may take some more trials with different meds until you find what works.

1. Get up from your computer.

2. Go to the telephone.

3. Dial number for pdoc.

4. Make appointment, for the soonest available.

5. Return to computer and post confirmation that you have done this.

6. Do it now.

7. As in, now.

8. Yes, right now.

We'll wait here.

Also, are you seeing a therapist? Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can do wonders for the kind of negative self-talk you're enduring.

Cerberus

[easyrider1984]

ER -

Apologizing for posting what you posted is like apologizing for peeing in the toilet. This place exists for you to post such things. That's what it's for.

That was nice. Thank you. I like the "peeing in the toilet" equivalent

I would call my pdoc, but I had an appointment on Tuesday. I was there for two hours and I told her so much, all about suicide included. I don't think seeing her again will help. I have an appointment on 18th July and she will end up been sick of seeing me.

I've only been taking Zoloft for 3 weeks. I think she is waiting to see if it has more of an effect. It can take up to six weeks I am told. I am highly resistant to feeling better too, because then I get intrusive thoughts about things I know are not true. I don't know which is worse so I stick with feeling depressed. If it was up to me, I would stop taking Zoloft, as it does nothing for me, but I fear the side-effects if I do and do not like the idea of altering my medication without pdoc approval.

I am on the waiting list to have weekly appointments with a psychologist. I will be having CBT, but I have to wait about six months on the NHS. CBT sounds as though it might be helpful.

I'll try to take it easy but it's hard.

I really feel so embarassed that I posted what I did, though, still :embarassed:

Take care!!

[Cetkat]

You should never feel embarassed for saying how you feel. I don't think anyone here thinks it was any type of attention getting post. From the responces I've seen, people genuinely are concerned about you & want you to feel better. These boards are here for people like us to connect with other people going thru some of the same shit you are. At least we can handle it, right? Sometimes it's hard to find the support you need from those around you because you worry about bringing them down. I know I do. But everyone here already is down.. and if they're not, they still can decide whether to read a post or not. You're not forcing anything on anyone. I for one don't think any less of you for sharing some very *real* feelings. So what if you were tired? It was how you felt & it is never wrong for a person to feel the way they do. In fact, I admire the courage you showed in being able to post such thoughts here. That's right courage. It is never stupid to reach out for help & in all the replies I've seen, people are reaching right back. So what if you showed a piece of the real you - hurt and upset. I doubt that there is anyone here who hasn't felt this in some form or another. You're not going to be viewed in a worse light - just a human one. One who has feelings and ups and downs just like everyone else. Don't be ashamed of your downs. People are here because they want to be. The people that are responding genuinely care. And there are still more who haven't even read your post yet who would. Think back, has there ever been a time when the list told you to stop complaining and just feel better already? I doubt it. Depression doesn't work that way and we all know it. I understand that you feel unwanted and think that nobody cares, because they never have in the past. If I recall correctly, you've been treated like shit in the past & that's still with you. Nobody cared then so nobody should care now. I know you can't help but feel like your burdoning the list and people don't care here, but I want you to realize that your perception on this is skewed by the past. Take a step back to say "this is how I think they feel about me, but mentally I know that I have issues with this so I'm going to pretend that this is not true & act like it is not." Not as easy as it sounds.. but it could help. And as far as the people in real life go - you say that you're usually right that they don't like you. But do any of these people even know the real you? One of the advantages of the online world is that you can get to know people for who they really are, inside. Without any predispositions or opinions based on how you look or act. Those are just the outside things that cause petty people to do mean things. Who you are is found inside - not out. And I for one hope you don't shy away from posting what really matters to you.

No Sorry's! {{{{Hugs}}}}

[Cerberus]

I would call my pdoc, but I had an appointment on Tuesday. I was there for two hours and I told her so much, all about suicide included. I don't think seeing her again will help. I have an appointment on 18th July and she will end up been sick of seeing me.

If you're feeling that you may be in danger of killing yourself, then call her. I assure you, she would much rather see you between appointments than attend your funeral.

I've only been taking Zoloft for 3 weeks. I think she is waiting to see if it has more of an effect. It can take up to six weeks I am told.

Fair enough. It really does take about 6 weeks to give some of these meds a fair shake, which is part of why they sucketh so muchly. Have you tried other SSRIs before this one? I found that meds which only affect Serotonin did bupkiss for me, but finally found some relief with Effexor, an MRI, because my problem appears more related to Norepinephrine. Others swear by Wellbutrin. My flavor of MI is Refractive Double Depression (treatment-resistant MDD + Dysthymia) and Asperger's Syndrome, with a dash of Tourette's for seasoning. This makes for a particularly icky combo of vile biochemistry and bad wiring. Yet even I have been able to find some relief. You will too; just hang in there.

I am on the waiting list to have weekly appointments with a psychologist. I will be having CBT, but I have to wait about six months on the NHS. CBT sounds as though it might be helpful.

Every time I read about how our friends across the Big Pond have to navigate the Byzantine world of the NHS it makes me crazy(er). The health care system in the U.S. is seriously bolluxed up, but at least I can call a therapist when I need one. Given your conscious sense of the nature of the intrusive thoughts you have, it sounds like CBT could work for you. You don't have to wait for a tdoc, either - CBT is largely about learning to recognize negative thought (cognitive) processes and intercept them. You might try going to the library and find a book on CBT while you're in the queue.

Cerberus

[Unregistered]

Every time I read about how our friends across the Big Pond have to navigate the Byzantine world of the NHS it makes me crazy(er). The health care system in the U.S. is seriously bolluxed up, but at least I can call a therapist when I need one.

Cerberus

Ah, but we feel the same looking at your medical system when we read of people who can't afford a pdoc, or who have to choose between paying for meds ar paying for food. At least we have a bad, slow safety net. We too can pick up the phone and see a therapist tomorrow - just as long as we can pay or have additional private medical insurance, but not everyone does.

[reddog]

Duuuuuude! you're back! tres cool.....

here, i'll do you a deal: you promise to pee in the toilet instead of offing yourself, i'll clean it for you afterwards. promise. you can rant all you want & i'll get your back.

cbt rocks. the book i used was The New Mood Therapy & they have a workbook too (The New Mood Therapy Workbook). check em out.

have you mentioned the intrusive thoughts to your doc? you may need a med to block them.

[Lily]

Easy my boy, you're in the nuthouse, remember? It isn't possible to embarrass yourself too much here.

Remember, we are batshit. So you can't assume to know what we think. Hell, we don't even know what we think! So no more of this thinking we're sick of you, or you've worn out your welcome. No such thing!

Repeat after me: "Sure, I'm nuts. But so is everyone else here. So it's all good."

lily

[punky]

Yeah, what everyone else said. Don't feel guilty or embarrassed about reaching out for help. I'm glad you posted again. Thank you.

[easyrider1984]

You should never feel embarassed for saying how you feel. I don't think anyone here thinks it was any type of attention getting post. From the responces I've seen, people genuinely are concerned about you & want you to feel better. These boards are here for people like us to connect with other people going thru some of the same shit you are. At least we can handle it, right? Sometimes it's hard to find the support you need from those around you because you worry about bringing them down. I know I do. But everyone here already is down.. and if they're not, they still can decide whether to read a post or not. You're not forcing anything on anyone. I for one don't think any less of you for sharing some very *real* feelings. So what if you were tired? It was how you felt & it is never wrong for a person to feel the way they do. In fact, I admire the courage you showed in being able to post such thoughts here. That's right courage. It is never stupid to reach out for help & in all the replies I've seen, people are reaching right back. So what if you showed a piece of the real you - hurt and upset. I doubt that there is anyone here who hasn't felt this in some form or another. You're not going to be viewed in a worse light - just a human one. One who has feelings and ups and downs just like everyone else. Don't be ashamed of your downs. People are here because they want to be. The people that are responding genuinely care. And there are still more who haven't even read your post yet who would. Think back, has there ever been a time when the list told you to stop complaining and just feel better already? I doubt it. Depression doesn't work that way and we all know it. I understand that you feel unwanted and think that nobody cares, because they never have in the past. If I recall correctly, you've been treated like shit in the past & that's still with you. Nobody cared then so nobody should care now. I know you can't help but feel like your burdoning the list and people don't care here, but I want you to realize that your perception on this is skewed by the past. Take a step back to say "this is how I think they feel about me, but mentally I know that I have issues with this so I'm going to pretend that this is not true & act like it is not." Not as easy as it sounds.. but it could help. And as far as the people in real life go - you say that you're usually right that they don't like you. But do any of these people even know the real you? One of the advantages of the online world is that you can get to know people for who they really are, inside. Without any predispositions or opinions based on how you look or act. Those are just the outside things that cause petty people to do mean things. Who you are is found inside - not out. And I for one hope you don't shy away from posting what really matters to you.

No Sorry's! {{{{Hugs}}}}

This was so amazing of you to write for me. Thank you. I feel warm inside (as I do with other posts too). I just wanted to reply to the part I've put into bold. People do care - my family, though they don't show it very often. I do feel unwanted. I know that secretly they don't think anything is really wrong and that they will say that to each-other. That would never be admitted, but it's there. I imagine my sister's voice saying it, aggressively, and my Nan agreeing during their chats. My Dad already said "what events!?". GGGrrrrr..... Anyway, I will write a letter tomorrow for my Mum. Another letter. Heh. She is the most understanding, which isn't strange but is because she has neglected me the most in the past. I just can't say these things to them. I'll tell them of a few things, including compulsive behaviours I've had for years, and possibly the suicidal thoughts. Maybe. Anyway, thank you so much

Have you tried other SSRIs before this one?

No, this is my first medication. It appears to be a load of bupkiss for me too. Right now, I'm just doing what the pdoc says and continuing with Zoloft.

Every time I read about how our friends across the Big Pond have to navigate the Byzantine world of the NHS it makes me crazy(er). The health care system in the U.S. is seriously bolluxed up, but at least I can call a therapist when I need one.

I like the NHS. It's a free healthcare service, which I think should everyone should be entitled to. Yes, it is really under-funded, under-staffed, and therefore slow, but it exists which is nice (although the government is having a good go at wrecking it and privatising it once and for all).

here, i'll do you a deal: you promise to pee in the toilet instead of offing yourself, i'll clean it for you afterwards. promise. you can rant all you want & i'll get your back.

Thanks. I decline the offer, though it was very nice of you to make the gesture. I don't want anyone to have to clean up what I leave in there

have you mentioned the intrusive thoughts to your doc? you may need a med to block them.

I have mentioned them but she didn't talk about meds to block them or anything. I don't really know what is going on. I'm just talking, taking and feeling shit.

Remember, we are batshit. So you can't assume to know what we think. Hell, we don't even know what we think! So no more of this thinking we're sick of you, or you've worn out your welcome. No such thing!

Repeat after me: "Sure, I'm nuts. But so is everyone else here. So it's all good."

I can't help it. It's just how my brain is programmed to think and I can't stop it. If I try, I just end up with "meh, you were right the first time" anyway. Sure, I'm nuts. But so is everyone else here. So it's all good!! Thank you

Thank you all for been so kind and gentle with me

It really means a lot to me.

Take care!!

[Sensation]

awww (((easy))) you seem so cute !

[reddog]

hey, i didn't say you didn't have to flush!

[Cetkat]

This was so amazing of you to write for me. Thank you. I feel warm inside (as I do with other posts too). I just wanted to reply to the part I've put into bold. People do care - my family, though they don't show it very often. I do feel unwanted. I know that secretly they don't think anything is really wrong and that they will say that to each-other. That would never be admitted, but it's there. I imagine my sister's voice saying it, aggressively, and my Nan agreeing during their chats. My Dad already said "what events!?". GGGrrrrr..... Anyway, I will write a letter tomorrow for my Mum. Another letter. Heh. She is the most understanding, which isn't strange but is because she has neglected me the most in the past. I just can't say these things to them. I'll tell them of a few things, including compulsive behaviours I've had for years, and possibly the suicidal thoughts. Maybe. Anyway, thank you so much

You're very welcome.

I wrote it because it's the truth and you're worth it. I'm glad it was able to let you feel just a little bit better.

I understand what you mean about feeling "unwanted" by your family. But it's not that you're unwanted, just the feelings you have. Anything that disrupts the family is seen as being bad. Different people (family members) handle it in different ways and there will be certain people who "get it" more than others. Try your best not to let it get to you... though I know it probably will anyway. What's important is that you know that it's real. Let the rest of them come to their own decisions. Hopefully they'll come around... if not.... well... at least they aren't saying it to your face?

[easyrider1984]

awww (((easy))) you seem so cute !

Thanks

hey, i didn't say you didn't have to flush!

Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!! You know how it can be in the toilet though e.g. left-overs, splash

I wrote it because it's the truth and you're worth it. I'm glad it was able to let you feel just a little bit better

Awww.....

Let the rest of them come to their own decisions. Hopefully they'll come around... if not.... well... at least they aren't saying it to your face?

Over time, I plan to let them know more and more. The thing I hate most is that I get the feeling sometimes they, especially my Nan, put things down to "thinking too deeply". I reckon that is what they think all of this is - that nothing has happened in my past and that it isn't as bad as I'm making out (I make it out to be less than it is 99% of the time). Anywho, I am rambling and..... feeling embarassed. There I go with my thoughts again! Sorry.

Thanks you.

Take care!!

[Cetkat]

Over time, I plan to let them know more and more. The thing I hate most is that I get the feeling sometimes they, especially my Nan, put things down to "thinking too deeply". I reckon that is what they think all of this is - that nothing has happened in my past and that it isn't as bad as I'm making out (I make it out to be less than it is 99% of the time).

I'm glad you feel like you can open up with them. I agree that it needs to be done over time...dealing with major emotions and issues is hard & no doubt they'll need to come to terms with some things themselves...

Does that make sense?

What I mean is that:

1) They have to realize that your feelings are as you say & you're not making them out to be more.. that it really is that bad &

2) You've had some hard occurances in you life that they either didn't protect you from or had a hand in themselves.

My mom still thinks that depression is the same thing normal people get when they're sad.

She just can't contempate how low a person can really get.

...in a way I'm glad she doesn't get it..

Anywho, I am rambling and..... feeling embarassed. There I go with my thoughts again! Sorry.

Nothing wrong with rambling. It's one of the more healthy things we can do.

Take care!!

You too!!

[ravenonice]

Two books for you. I can't remember the authors but you will be able to find them on Amazon. You do have amazon over there?

1. Co-dpepndent No More

2. The Games People Play

Both great books.

raven

[Unregistered]

Every time I read about how our friends across the Big Pond have to navigate the Byzantine world of the NHS it makes me crazy(er). The health care system in the U.S. is seriously bolluxed up, but at least I can call a therapist when I need one.

I like the NHS. It's a free healthcare service, which I think should everyone should be entitled to. Yes, it is really under-funded, under-staffed, and therefore slow, but it exists which is nice (although the government is having a good go at wrecking it and privatising it once and for all).

Bit of a threadjack, I know, but WTF. I have to take issue with you ER: the NHS is great, but it is undrestaffed and slow. That's not because it's underfunded, because the NHS budget just keeps on going up. It's screwed up because the government is trying to manage it to death with endless targets and micromanagement. It now has more bureaucrats than doctors.

To get back on topic. I understand you passed your bike test recently - congratulations! So, do you have a bike yet? If so, have you figured out yet how therapeutic it can be cleaning it? I mean really cleaning it, old toothbrush in the nooks and crannies, Autosol on everything shiny...