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Lifeless, I felt like you did last night. I still feel like you do today, to a lesser extent.

Please do not kill yourself. I hate hearing that other people are in pain. Tell those voices to "shut the fuck up, now" and then slap them around the room (granted, I have difficulty doing that myself).

I'm sure the staff at the hospital will not think it is not serious or ridiculous if you go to the hospital. I went with a cut that I wanted stitching, but didn't necessarily need stitching. It's somewhere that you can just go for help. If you tell them how you are feeling, they certainly will not send you away or make it out to not be serious. What do you have to lose? You have nothing to lose by asking anyone for help. I wish I could help more myself, but I feel so similar. It hurts.

Seriously, please do not harm yourself badly. Call your pdoc. Call a "crisis team". Call me if you want to. I will even call you if you like.

Please let me know what you're thinking....

Edited by easyrider1984

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Well, the reason why I'm beyond hesitant to get my ass over to the hospital, is because I have had a staff or two make it out to be not serious. If they felt that way, I'm sure others have thought that about me as well.

I know I should probably ask for help, but how do I feel about asking? It's very childish, and goes something like, "but I don't WANNA." Voicing that I need help, means they'll be working towards helping me stay alive. I really don't want that.

I don't mean to be saying all this to shoot your suggestions down, or seem rude about what you have typed. It feels like that's what I'm doing ( ;) ), but please know your response is appreciated.

I'm not sure what to say. I don't know what replies I expected to get out of what I posted. Of course, replies telling me not to go through with this. I should have known nobody is going to encourage me to kill myself.

I just.. feel that my mind is made up about this. No going back type of thing. It's a matter of how and when. Oh god I'm a wailing mess.

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This will pass -- I know, I've been there.

But until it does pass, it's a nasty lousy ride.

Please do something to help yourself. This is serious! The hospital will agree that this is serious, no one will treat you lightly. They'll be fairly grateful that you walked yourself in and sought help rather than them having to haul you in with an ambulance. Besides, the ambulance will be expensive, much cheaper to walk in yourself.

Sleep is important, it gives your brain a way to try to deal with some of this and gives you some respite from it. Do you have a sleep-aid? Ambien or something? Don't stare at the ceiling or fuss half the night, take it! If you don't have anything and you're having this much trouble sleeping, it might be time to talk to your pdoc -- just call. Your pdoc would rather have another appointment or talk than have you dragged into the hospital, or worse by far, dead.

Meanwhile, breathe deeply, call your pdoc and therapist, sleep!

And remember that this will pass. And we care.

Fiona

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Lifeless, I sent you a message.

I hope you read it and respond.

Take care!!

Read and replied.

Hope you got it.

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Sleep is important, it gives your brain a way to try to deal with some of this and gives you some respite from it. Do you have a sleep-aid? Ambien or something? Don't stare at the ceiling or fuss half the night, take it! If you don't have anything and you're having this much trouble sleeping, it might be time to talk to your pdoc -- just call.

I did have a sleep-aid, but I ran out.

I think a call is definitely necessary for more sleep medication.

Thank you so much for your reply.

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Hi Lifeless,

I'm a bit new to the forum, but I am very sorry to hear that you're feeling as bad as you do. I also noticed that you've tried pretty much every drug from your sig. Without getting any relief I'd suspect?

Depression is a very hard thing to live with. And to live with it for most of your life is even worse.

I know what that is like. It's not in my sig but my depression is also dysthymia. I just don't like using the term because it's supposed to be a minor constant depression & mine has not been minor since grade school. I guess folks just don't understand that you can be majorly depressed all the time. And being depressed, regardless of type for that long gets to be very untolerable.

I know you said that you've made up your mind and that's that - I'm not going to try and talk you out of it.

Instead, just wait.

A few weeks.

Go to the Hospital & make it absolutely clear how you feel and what you are prepared to do. If you've had problems with the staff before - go to a different Hospital. Let them try to help, it's what they're there for.

Then, just see how you feel.

I'm not saying that you'll necessarily feel better... but at least it will give you time to re-think and see if that's really what you want to do.

Consider it your suicide "waiting period".

Do you think that that's something you can do?

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I also noticed that you've tried pretty much every drug from your sig. Without getting any relief I'd suspect?

You're absolutely correct.

Instead, just wait.

A few weeks.

Go to the Hospital & make it absolutely clear how you feel and what you are prepared to do. If you've had problems with the staff before - go to a different Hospital. Let them try to help, it's what they're there for.

Then, just see how you feel.

I'm not saying that you'll necessarily feel better... but at least it will give you time to re-think and see if that's really what you want to do.

Consider it your suicide "waiting period".

Do you think that that's something you can do?

I'm pretty damn discouraged about hospitals due to being accepted into the best (supposedly ;) and it was a huge waiting list to get in) hospital in Ontario, Canada called the Whitby Mental Health Centre. A 2 month stay didn't help me at all. I've been to the hospital here in Ajax, and one in Pickering (I think that's where it was), called Rouge Valley. I guess I could try one in Oshawa, assuming there is one.

I don't know. I'm fed up with all of this.

I think that's something I might be willing to do. I'm supposed to be doing a major move within the next month or so, however long it takes after I take in my filled out passport application on Monday. I guess I could wait until I get settled in, see how I feel about my new surroundings. I don't believe it will be much different, but I'll see. It feels like I've been doing so much waiting, like I've been waiting to die for far too long.

For now, I think I'm going to go take a shower. Feeling clean might improve my mood a bit at the moment.

I noticed you said you're fairly new to CB though, Cetkat. I hope you've been enjoying your time here. :)

Edited by x_lifeless

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I'm pretty damn discouraged about hospitals due to being accepted into the best (supposedly ;) and it was a huge waiting list to get in) hospital in Ontario, Canada called the Whitby Mental Health Centre. A 2 month stay didn't help me at all. I've been to the hospital here in Ajax, and one in Pickering (I think that's where it was), called Rouge Valley. I guess I could try one in Oshawa, assuming there is one.

Ahhh... that's understandable. I'd say then that if you think it would help, even in the slightest - do it. Otherwise you can skip this portion of the request.

I think that's something I might be willing to do. I'm supposed to be doing a major move within the next month or so, however long it takes after I take in my filled out passport application on Monday. I guess I could wait until I get settled in, see how I feel about my new surroundings. I don't believe it will be much different, but I'll see. It feels like I've been doing so much waiting, like I've been waiting to die for far too long.
I'm very glad to hear that. And a change of pace can sometimes help.

I understand about the waiting... (I myself actually have a bit of a deathwish) but after so many years with so much pain, a few weeks is pretty minisule, right?

I noticed you said you're fairly new to CB though, Cetkat. I hope you've been enjoying your time here. :)

I have. I was lucky to find a place with such kind and caring people who don't shy away from the issues. Thanks for noticing! B)

Hope you enjoy your shower..

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