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Just feeling blue and guilty


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Today I'm just feeling a little bit blue. It has been raining for days.

The other thing is that I had dates with three different guys in three days. I know that might sound good, but I feel rather guilty about dating so much. The thing is that I don't want to bother getting excited about one person who may or may not be right for me and may or may not dump me. The way I've gotten around this is by dating different people. I'm not being dishonest and this is all casual dating, but still it's something that makes me feel guilty sometimes.

Do you feel comfortable getting to know more than one person at once?

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Every woman I go out with, usually fellow students, always talk about wanting to have my babies.

It really pisses me off sometimes.

I will never understand women. I am a Sith Lord in the art of seduction (because I have studied it - I had to, I used to be useless with women. LOL), but when it comes to maintaining long term relationships without feeling trapped I can't do it.

It just adds to my depression.

So I'll just stay single and "happy" for now.

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I wonder why it evokes so much guilt for you. You sound like a conscionable person who cares about setting appropriate boundaries and doesn't want to take advantage of others. I think your guilt is unwarranted, but that's just me. I think it's good that you recognize this as a defense mechanism, too. Maybe you feel like you're betraying yourself by setting yourself up to not get close to any one person in particular? *reclines in my armchair shrink armchair*

ETA: I assume when you say "casual dating" that these guys know you're seeing other people. :ph34r:

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Every woman I go out with, usually fellow students, always talk about wanting to have my babies.

It really pisses me off sometimes.

I will never understand women. I am a Sith Lord in the art of seduction (because I have studied it - I had to, I used to be useless with women. LOL), but when it comes to maintaining long term relationships without feeling trapped I can't do it.

It just adds to my depression.

So I'll just stay single and "happy" for now.

If you were capable of giving birth you would understand the timeframe and planning involved. Those women were probably seeing if you fit into their schedule because after a certain age it is hard to conceive.

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Hello!!

Have I missed something!? Am I even more socially inadequate and inferior than I thought I was?

I can't get a date or a girlfriend. I'm 21 and I've never had one girlfriend, ever. I had sex once with one woman, three times, and it was unco-ordinated, crap and I was so nervous in a way that affected me sometimes.

I don't see what the problem is with dating three men in three days. It means you're a likeable, attractive woman. Don't feel guilty for it. Get to know them and you will know who is right or not for you. There's nothing wrong with casual dating.

Take care!!

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You don't have to hide. You can laugh out loud on the boards at me if you want to. You won't be the first person, nor the last, in my life to do that.

EDIT: Just so you know I feel more embarassed and pathetic about the sentence before that. I feel horrible. Feel free to add to it. I could use the ammo for myself.

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OP here. Thanks for your thoughts, everyone.

The thing is that I think I have some difficulties in relationships. I'm Basically I feel that because of low self esteem I'm a tiny bit of a control freak. Plus I have anxiety. Not exactly great qualities for a healthy relationship. I am however, reasonably attractive and well put together. So I get asked out all of the time but in my mind, I must be inadequate because I haven't found anyone with whom I've shared a mutual desire to be in a long-term relationship with for quite some time.

Maybe I really haven't found the right person yet--but I wonder if the real issues it that *I* am not the right person yet. Know what I mean? Until I am able to get healthy, I don't think love will happen for me.

I've gotten "healthier" in so many areas of my life, but romantic relationships are soo hard because they stir up so many feelings of inadquacy and loss of control for me. Because when you really truly deeply love someone, you really are no longer in control...they can hurt you, they can leave you and stop loving you. This terrifies me!! So I think I react to this fear by trying to read into everything the person says and trying to control things...like if I'm dating a smoker I'll bug him to quit. Yes, smoking is very bad but it's a personal choice and who am I to try to change someone else, you know? I think the control issue is really because of fear more than anything else.

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I think the control issue is really because of fear more than anything else.
Sure. As a fellow control freak, that is exactly what drives my compulsion to grab ahold of the reins. I have to restrain myself from trying to mold people according to my specifications (it's getting easier), but I am still terrified by potential rejection and, thus, need things to go according to the script in my head. I think that just knowing these things are issues paves the way for healing.

So I get asked out all of the time but in my mind, I must be inadequate because I haven't found anyone with whom I've shared a mutual desire to be in a long-term relationship with for quite some time.

Maybe it's because you have high standards, and that's not a bad thing at all. How easy is it to find someone you click with on every level? It's like fishing for bass in a one-bass lake that's populated with trout.

Until I am able to get healthy, I don't think love will happen for me.

A contributing factor could be that you aren't yet "healthy" enough to find your ideal someone. Giving it a positive spin, I think it could become a motivating factor in therapy. Get healthy, meet Mr. Right. If only we were given a guarantee that would be the case! ;) Still, your odds are increased with every therapy milestone. I hope that doesn't sound discouraging... I meant for it to be uplifting, but sometimes things that are personally motivating bum other people out.

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A contributing factor could be that you aren't yet "healthy" enough to find your ideal someone. Giving it a positive spin, I think it could become a motivating factor in therapy. Get healthy, meet Mr. Right. If only we were given a guarantee that would be the case! ;) Still, your odds are increased with every therapy milestone. I hope that doesn't sound discouraging... I meant for it to be uplifting, but sometimes things that are personally motivating bum other people out.

I think this is a good perspective. I believe that if I had been mentally healthy when I met my husband, I would not have married him. At the time, I was very needy, had low self esteem, abandonment issues, etc. I "settled" for someone who is very needy himself and didn't recognize it in me. We're a real piece of work together! But we're both in therapy at present (different therapists).

best,

dianebea

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The thing is that I think I have some difficulties in relationships. I'm Basically I feel that because of low self esteem I'm a tiny bit of a control freak. Plus I have anxiety. Not exactly great qualities for a healthy relationship.

Not really. I'm in the same boat you are though. I also think it's important to wait for the 'right one'.

Maybe I really haven't found the right person yet--but I wonder if the real issues it that *I* am not the right person yet. Know what I mean? Until I am able to get healthy, I don't think love will happen for me.
That makes sense. You attract what you put out & someone you could get now could be very wrong for you in the future. So it's better to wait, in that regard.

I've gotten "healthier" in so many areas of my life, but romantic relationships are soo hard because they stir up so many feelings of inadquacy and loss of control for me. Because when you really truly deeply love someone, you really are no longer in control...they can hurt you, they can leave you and stop loving you. This terrifies me!! I think the control issue is really because of fear more than anything else.

It is. It's a fear of abandonment along with dependency issues (I think). On the latter, it's possible that you fear going into a relationship beause you worry you'll lose your independence. That your needs would be subjugated & after all the work you've put into yourself, that would be bad to lose. (But that's just a guess..)

I, myself, have a huge fear of abandonment. I just don't trust people with my feelings. Yet, I would never love someone halfway. It's all or nothing. And when you give that 'all' , you open yourself up to the things you've described. That's a terrifying prospect, and not a decision to be taken lightly. Once you let someone in that far, they can hurt you more than anything else can.

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easyrider

Oh heh, you'd have no idea. I'm only one up on you (one serious girlfriend and minimal dating afterwards with other girls in college, and the one serious girlfriend cheated on me 2 months after we started dating, but I still stayed with her since she felt suicidal b/c of cheating on me, and she has a nasty history of attempts and MDD in general, and definitely is NOT the histrionic/borderline type).

And, I'm still a virgin at 22.

That said, all this talk about "the right woman/man" isn't all BS. There is one. Trust me, even as a brick wall Aspie, I've had some women practically worship me. (Well okay, that's annoying as well.) Especially underage women. =P

You've got some strength many women will find very attractive, but you haven't discovered and/or used it yet.

Might I suggest you start exploiting your own sensitivity. Trust me, chicks dig that, I've seen it. All this "chicks like the dumb tough guys" is total BS (unless all you want is a one-night stand). They like intelligent guys like you a hell of a lot more.

(Sort of ironically and hypocritically, I've played 'hitch' for so many of my guy friends, often successfully, and yet haven't had a date for myself in 4 years.)

stag with antlers and all,

--herrfous

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Every woman I go out with, usually fellow students, always talk about wanting to have my babies.

It really pisses me off sometimes.

I will never understand women. I am a Sith Lord in the art of seduction (because I have studied it - I had to, I used to be useless with women. LOL), but when it comes to maintaining long term relationships without feeling trapped I can't do it.

It just adds to my depression.

So I'll just stay single and "happy" for now.

If you were capable of giving birth you would understand the timeframe and planning involved. Those women were probably seeing if you fit into their schedule because after a certain age it is hard to conceive.

I'm only 20! And some of these girls are looking to have great careers as I am.

I just don't get it.

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I think this is a good perspective. I believe that if I had been mentally healthy when I met my husband, I would not have married him. At the time, I was very needy, had low self esteem, abandonment issues, etc. I "settled" for someone who is very needy himself and didn't recognize it in me. We're a real piece of work together! But we're both in therapy at present (different therapists).

That's what I told my pdoc, that the reason my marriage didn't last is because we were both too "needy". We were definitely not right for one another but stuck together, more like clung together, out of a deep-seated fear of being alone. She wasn't too impressed with that answer and I have no idea why. Seems perfectly explanatory to me.

I'm glad to hear you're both working out your issues. I tried to get my ex-H into marriage counseling, but he refused to go.

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