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i am posting this here as an acknowledgment to myself that this a borderline issue regarding my ability to be in a relationship.

Today i sat down to lunch with my ex. its been almost 2yrs since we split but today was the first real time we have sat down together and been able to talk like friends without me ending up in tears or yelling and screaming, or threatening cutting myself or suicide.

He did some mean things to me, deep down i dont think he didnt them with any intention of hurting me. But i did some HORRIBLE things to me.

What breaks my heart is the night we broke up i had gone to tell him i had finally decided to get help and had made an appointment to see a shrink, but he had came to end our relationship cause he just felt like he couldnt help me.

Fast forward though a lot of bipolar,borderline ups and downs in the last two years and we come to today. He seemed genuinely happy to see that i am doing well and staying out of trouble. I was really honest with him, something as a borderline i have a huge trouble with (lying to loved ones) and i told him i still had VERY strong feelings for him, that i would probably even date him again if he wanted to, but most of all i wanted us to be friends and hang out. i dont really miss the relationship i miss the friendship, having someone to go to the movies, beach, lunch with. he said he would be my friend and the only reason he pulled back was because he felt like he was causing me too much pain, which was true at the time.

we left on happy terms, a kiss on the cheek, a hug, a promise to catch up soon.

i cant do it though, im not that stable, i want him so badly, i want him to be with me, i want him to want me, i want to trick him into having sex with me. i want to figure out how to manipulate the situation so i can be with him again. All those unstable borderline relationship traits are shinning through!!! i know i will be so sad if he rejects me again, even though i know he probably will, but i want him so bad. i cant let go, i dont want too. What should i do.

im trying not to think about it, but the only way i can think to not think about it is to go out on date with another guy i know tonight to take my mind off it. See how crazy is that!! i want one guy to like me, but might go out with another guy to take my mind of the one i like, while the one that is supposed to be my boyfriend is working! crazy! BTW didnt tell ex about new boyfriend either.

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have you told you doctor about these feelings you have been having? i think that this is something that you really should consider talking out with a professional and not acting on. All of this can be hurtfull to yourself and other people and can only lead to worse things. please consider it...

~Ophelia~

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i cant do it though, im not that stable, i want him so badly, i want him to be with me, i want him to want me, i want to trick him into having sex with me. i want to figure out how to manipulate the situation so i can be with him again. All those unstable borderline relationship traits are shinning through!!! i know i will be so sad if he rejects me again, even though i know he probably will, but i want him so bad. i cant let go, i dont want too. What should i do.

im trying not to think about it, but the only way i can think to not think about it is to go out on date with another guy i know tonight to take my mind off it. See how crazy is that!! i want one guy to like me, but might go out with another guy to take my mind of the one i like, while the one that is supposed to be my boyfriend is working! crazy! BTW didnt tell ex about new boyfriend either.

it's good that the two of you had a nice lunch together, but it sounds like you really have to leave it at just that. maybe at the most send him an email every other week or once a month. it sounds like whatever happened between the two of you was powerful and unhealthy. and anything you do to try to get him back will be detrimental to your mental health.

remember you have borderline personality disorder, it doesn't have you. don't let it have you.

if you feel like you'd want to trick him into sex and manipulate him, then you need to stay away. period.

focus on what you have now. sometimes we crave the unstable: the screaming, the drama, the high stakes. but a relationship filled with high emotions and drama isn't a more fulfilling relationship than one that is quiet and supportive. i understand the draw of an ex, the want to have him again... but for yourself and for the chance that at some point to two of you can be able to have a friendship, stay away.

distract yourself. get a facial or your hair done. go on a run. bake yourself cookies. make your current boyfriend dinner. rent a movie. take a long bath. their are otherways to distract yourself from your ex than by going on a date with another guy.

i tend to demonize my exes for a a long time after the break up, but it is just as easy (and i've done this too) to idealize the relationship. i know you've written about this relationship before, and i can understand the want to have him back in your life. but don't idealize what you had and minimize the bad aspects. i know it's really hard but you have to see the shades of gray here and remind yourself that he isn't perfect. he isn't worth throwing yourself into bad behavior patterns for. and, if you do manipulate him back to you, you'll never have the chance at a friendship. it doesn't have to be all or nothing.

you are aware of what the potential dangers are. listen to your mind. don't forget what you know. don't let yourself go to that bad place.

take care of yourself. treat yourself for recognizing the bad behaviors you want to engage in, and treat yourself to remind yourself to not do them.

be good,

penny

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thanks penny and ophelia, u guys seem to get it its not actually anything to do with the relationship so much as in my complete lack of coping skills in dealing with the relationship/friendship.

as someone who is still learning and recovering i tend to sometimes take that step back into what i call "borderline reality" where life becomes like a game that u can manipulate, play and destroy. and thats what i was doing. im looking at it as a game like "how can i win this round" but at some stage i just have to throw in the towel i guess, and that doesnt mean i have won or lost it just means im not playing to my illness anymore. How come somedays i can have such clarity and others are like a black flog.

and it doesnt help having to spend the last 7days in bed with a terrible dose of the flu!

Thanks again for your advice, wishing u well.

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oh no! i'm sure being sick in bed does not help at all! I know how bad i feel when that is the case. I'm sorry ;)

but, yes, sometimes you have such clarity while other times it can seem as if you are still way in the dark. the good thing is that you are recognizing these things, you know?

take care of yourself and feel better!

~Ophelia~

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"doesnt mean i have won or lost it just means im not playing to my illness anymore"

Sounds like a great piece of insight.

Recognising the unhealthy feelings an emotions AS unhealthy is a fantastic step.

And Penny and Ophelia had very good advise.

Between the 3 of you I think you have it covered!

Get well soon.

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