Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org

Guess I belong here now/again


Guest annonymous

Recommended Posts

Guest annonymous

I guess I belong here now. (actually all of this happened a few days ago, but I was too scared/confused/ashamed to come here) I am not new to CrazyBoards, though I guess I am still to ashamed to use my regular log in. I have a long history of MI, though only within the last year and a half or so have I really known my true dx. I am also no stranger to SI. I have been cut free for approximately five years (though not SI-free.) I had a really bad day a few days ago, was very stressed about my pdoc appointment coming up, was very paranoid, very anxious, having hallucinations, family stress, and stressed about some deadlines coming up. I had an appointment with my therapist at night, and got through the day knowing that I would have some one to talk to and it would all be ok. My therapist then failed to show up for my appointment. Not a first, but still very hard to deal with. I went home and cut. I didn't really think about it, I just knew I had to do it and did. It's been so long, I didn't even have a blade ready, that didn't even slow me down. I try not to listen to them when they tell me to do things, but I just didn't know what else to do. Why couldn't I have just banged my head instead? Five very hard fucking years. Over. I am sickened by what I have done after such a long fight. Like I said, I haven't been SI free, but I still thought I had made more progress than this. I guess I'm here because I am so sick of being sick and scared and alone. And I don't want to be where I used to be. So anyway, I guess I'm here now, and starting over. Day 1.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi.

No, not day 1, you are where you are with all your experience of the past years.

5 years is awesome.....but you're under a lot of stress just now, and its understandable that your body would resort to past defence as a protection....

I know that the prospect of seeing my pdoc a month or so back nearly unhinged me. well. efexor withdrawal didn't help, but I had lots of what you're describing, the paranoia and such.

can you describe what it is exactly about seeing your pdoc that is worrying you?

also, being let down by your therapist is a biggie, didn't they let you know it advance?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest Guest

Thank you nestling for your support. It was really hard to write here. Yes, I have learned a lot in the past five years. Strategies I never believed would work before. My goal right now is to avoid cutting even if it means hours at the punching bags and walls. I know that replacing one SI behavior for another isn't *ideal* but it's something, right?

I'm trying to go back to school, but my psychotic disorder has put a substantial barrier between me and school. In order to go back, I need my doctors' support. My pdoc has been a little hesitant about me going back full time but I can't be part time because I need health insurance that I can only get if I'm full time. So, I guess I've been obsessing a lot about what she'll say. I made a promise to myself and my best friend that I wouldn't lie to her, but in order to go back I need to be hallucination free and compulsion free. I haven't yet figured out how to explain to her that I have figured out ways to cope such that I can now work while wigging out where as before I was incapacitated.

As for my therapist, no she didn't call and cancel and hasn't called since. I have had some issues with my therapist. If I weren't trying to go back to school, I would have left her a long time ago but I need to show consistancy with one therapist and I've already switched a few times. She has repeatedly not made appointments. Some times she has a good excuse (disaster seems to follow her everywhere) other times, she just never says anything. This time she told my pdoc that I no-showed, but I was there and waited for 35 minutes. Her office is also right across the street from a liquor store. A really bad idea. I have a history of abuse and a lot of trust issues. She knows about the trust and abandonment stuff, so I really thought that she wouldn't keep doing this to me. We actually go pretty far back, from high school. The previous week I had made a pretty significant breakthrough and shared something that I don't talk about in this town, so it was *really* hard when she wasn't there. I think that was the final straw in not being able to resist, it threw me back to when I was completely alone years ago.

Tonight, instead of cutting, I'm trying to figure out why I want to and coming here. I think right now I am feeling really out of control. Ironically, I think of cutting as being even more out of control even though it make me feel more in control.

Sorry this was kind of long. Thanks for listening.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey there,

just zipping thru. I have an idea on school and the insurance.

I can agree that it is often better to do part time /partial load when starting. I was wondering if you register with the school as having a legitimate disablility with documentation from your doctor, you could be declared as 'full time equivalent" and be able to use that with the insurance company to validate a full time equivalent status.

worth investigating.

best,

a.m.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...