needing some support...

[betcsu]

well, ive had a not so great few weeks that ended in an explosion of emotions this weekend.

everythings been in a frenzy. so much going on. no way to slow it all down. or pace myself. just kind of out of control. running running running and no time to slow down. of course the more i ran, the more i began building up internally. it was actually sort of fun thru my wednesday bathing suit shopping spree. fun except i was having a hard time falling asleep. it was taking HOURS.

i went to see my pdoc on thursday and he upped my lithium. i thought it would all be okay. but the running kept continuing and i kept running with it. i HAD to. one kid needed to be in once place. another kid needed to be in another. almost every day.

on friday i realized i had lost a day. didnt realize it was friday. couldnt believe it when i was told it was true. things were just SO fast...

then the crash came. by satuday afternoon i had NO patience with my family. screamed at them about everything. they wouldnt listen. hubby just thought i was crazy. (um, duh!) screaming some more. still not minding momma. i had to leave to pick up one son from work but took my lithium before i left. when hubby saw me getting my meds, he came over and hugged me and told me he loved me. i *think* by then he understood.

later that evening all is calm. kids are listening. all ready for bed. the evening is almost over. but then my youngest gets up and asks for dinner at 9:17 at night. when i tried to tell him its bedtime now and dinner is over, he throws a fit and runs and asks daddy who of course says that he should be allowed cereal.

of course this doesnt sound like such a big deal but to me as worn out as i was from all the running the last 2 weeks, the lack of sleep that was building up. i was done. spent. wasted. and all i could think was i have to get out more dishes after we had everything clean and put away and now my cleaned and ready for bed 5 year old was gonna get dirty, re-need to brush his teeth. and then im gonna have to put all the milk and cereal away, get the dishes put up, wipe down the table, etc.

but see???? i was DONE. i was ready for some rest. hubby was already in bed. he got to say with no doubt what so ever, that he was done. he had a beginning and an ending to his day. my ending was turning into a new beginning. and the more these thoughts went thru my head the more i felt my heart race, my body shake until i couldnt take it anymore and next thing i know i SCREAMING again. i mean raging out of control. i poured the fucking bowl of cereal and grabbed my keys and stormed out of the house. drove recklessly for about 1/2 hour and finally found a friend who was still awake at nearly 10:00pm who let me come over to try to calm down. i stayed till about midnight before i finally went home. everyone was asleep when i got here but i grabbed my pillow and blanket and slept in the basement away from everyone.

the next morning, yesterday, i was feeling foolish and guilty for my childish behavior and starting to feel somewhat depressed. while we were getting redy for church, i heard my hubby in the shower talking to himself. i couldnt make out most of what he said but there was no mistaking the "fucking bitch" phrase he said more than once.

i know im a fucking bitch. i realize that. and now he does, too. i took a klonopin from my hoarded stash and headed off to church. i just wanted to stay calm and not have anymore outbursts. i ended up taking 2 more throughout the day as well as smoking some pot. i ust wanted to sleep and stay asleep so i wouldnt have to piss anyone off and no one could piss me off cuz i just cant trust my reactions at all.

im awake this morning a lttle groggy from the pills and pot but im depressed. i feel sad about what i did on saturday and yesterday as well. im sad that my husband thinks i am a fucking bitch. when im not raging, im a nice person. at least i want to be.

why did this happen to me. im on the fucking lithium. my dose was just increased. it was increased on thursday. is it too soon to be effective at the higher dose yet? its funny (not in a ha-ha kind of way) but i was just joking with hubby last week about me being all wired and speedy and racy and i told him there wasnt enough lithium in the world to calm my ass down. can this be true? i am doomed to be this way. maybe im not bp. maybe i am just a fucking bitch. maybe thats why the lithium doesnt help. you can sometimes cure or at least help MI but aint no cure for just being an asshole.

im fucked. i dont even want to take the lithium anymore. whats the point anyway. anyway, im rambling now. thanks for reading, if you did.

[~nestling~]

I don't have any words of advice, if I did I would give them....But, I have read your post and send supportive thoughts.

and, no, you are not a ... bitch. at all. you're struggling with intense feelings.

[celestia]

it was actually sort of fun thru my wednesday bathing suit shopping spree. fun except i was having a hard time falling asleep. it was taking HOURS.

Hi Betcsu,

Wow, I think ONLY the ironic MI would get this one. Very funny.

later that evening all is calm. kids are listening. all ready for bed. the evening is almost over. but then my youngest gets up and asks for dinner at 9:17 at night. when i tried to tell him its bedtime now and dinner is over, he throws a fit and runs and asks daddy who of course says that he should be allowed cereal.

Of course then daddy should get his ass out of bed and FIX the cereal, and clean up the mess.

of course this doesnt sound like such a big deal but to me

this would have been a big deal from me. When I'm done in the kitchen (not that I ever am It's always a wreck, but when I FEEL DONE, the last thing in the fucking world I want to do is more work in the kitchen.

hubby was already in bed. he got to say with no doubt what so ever, that he was done. he had a beginning and an ending to his day. my ending was turning into a new beginning.

First I love the way you expressed this, and 2nd the "NEW" beginning should have been his. If he's going to veto a decision of your's, than without any question, he should get his ass out of bed, accompany his child to the kitchen and supervise while the child makes his cereal and cleans up--5 is plenty old enough to do that. In fact at 5 they should be making their own cold food snacks. (yes, I'm a mom my kids are 18 and 18 and I'm widowed).

i heard my hubby in the shower talking to himself. i couldnt make out most of what he said but there was no mistaking the "fucking bitch" phrase he said more than once.

yeah what an attitude to have getting ready to worship one's god (tongue in cheek). Don't let him manipulate you with that patriarchal bullshit. Lemme guess, you are a full time mom, ergo, he gets to over ride your decicisions (the cereal) and put the burden of the task on YOU and when you get pissed about it, you are the "fucking bitch." Let's look at this for a minute, I think he might have become the "fucking asshole" when he vetoed your decision with ya'll's child and didn't get his ass our of bet to monitor the task he just overruled.

i know im a fucking bitch. i realize that as well. im sad that my husband thinks i am a fucking bitch. when im not raging, im a nice person. at least i want to be.

I've bee accussed of being a fucking bitch so many times when all I've done was maintined my boundaried and stuck up for my self.

why did this happen to me. im on the fucking lithium. my dose was just increased. it was increased on thursday. is it too soon to be effective at the higher dose yet? its funny (not in a ha-ha kind of way) but i was just joking with hubby last week about me being all wired and speedy and racy and i told him there wasnt enough lithium in the world to calm my ass down. can this be true? i am doomed to be this way. maybe im not bp. maybe i am just a fucking bitch. maybe thats why the lithium doesnt help. you can sometimes cure or at least help MI but aint no cure for just being an asshole.

im fucked. i dont even want to take the lithium anymore. whats the point anyway. anyway, im rambling now. thanks for reading, if you did.

this is your disease fucking you in your ear, Give it a few more however long is recommended by you're doc!

Meanwhile, hang with us--we get it, and stay on your meds.

Suze

[Sylvia]

I want to tell you that being a mother is one of the hardest jobs in the universe. I can relate to your experience, especially the screaming and running out of the house. As a mom, I took on many varied roles and always had this need for keeping everything in place, cause working and having a child-husband, and a child were difficult tasks to balance. If things around me were orderly, then my mind could be. Does that make sense. Please don't beat yourself up. You are not a bitch. You are overloaded. Can't talk about your meds or bp, but I can talk about the very hard job of keeping a house and family together.

I send you peace, and please take care of yourself.

Love,

Syl

[scatty]

I understand where you're coming from. No advice, but I say give the lithium a little more time.

[Loon-A-TiK]

yeah, being a mother is super-hard. i had custody of my younger sibs after my dad died, and being their mother was such a trip. there were times when i just lost it, went in my room and sobbed, came out, and laid down the law. laying down the law for me means they are grounded for half of eternity. they learned that when i reached for the klonopin that they were in for it!

you're also getting used to new meds/doses. i always have a hard time with this.

keep up the good work. you'll feel better soon. hugs for you!

m

[lilie]

Your husband is an ass. He needs to keep those foul words to himself and help out more. Just like you were able to get up and fix the damn cereal he could have too since it was his son that asked. you're both parents he shouldn't get the easy bits. and everytime that fucking bitch shit came out of his mouth it would be quickly followed by lazy,selfish bastard. You take care of yourself as best you can. screw him. Or wait. don't. Because you're a fucking bitch. Maybe as a "bitch" you need to be "fucking" someone nicer than him. men suck sometimes.

Lilie

[Sylvia]

B

Sorry to chime in again, but boy after reading the replies I decided that things will never change in the roles women and men play out. I know that sounds negative, but him calling you a bitch was so fucked. That not only makes me angry, but sad, as well. (victim that I am.) I guess I don't need to add fuel to the fire but wtf, it is true what S9 said about maintaining boundaries, we pay a price for that.

Keep your chin up, you got lots of support.

Sylvia

[JBella]

You are not a bitch. Well, maybe you are, but you have a damn good reason to be.

"When I reached for the Klonopin, they knew they were in for it!" I can relate to that. My kids (not biological, but close enough sometimes) see me reaching for the med container and they either shut up or run!!!

Betcsu,

Sorry things are going so rough. You're a princess.

[betcsu]

everytime that fucking bitch shit came out of his mouth it would be quickly followed by lazy,selfish bastard.

now THAT made me laugh. thanks to everyone for all the replies. today hasnt been much better as ive had a few more set backs.

i had to take my 2 boys to the dentist today and since their appointments were back to back, we sat there for an hour and a half. then on the way home i stopped to get my rx for wellbutrin refilled. we waited a half hour for that and when they called my name it was to say they couldnt fill it cuz the insurance company requires fucking pre-authorization from the doctor and the pharmacist couldnt get a hold of them cuz theyre either closed today or they were out to lunch. either way, i came home empty handed.

then i find a bill in the mail from my doctors office saying i owe them $10. i have paid my co-pay each and every time and not once left owing a penny. i called the dr billing office and she gave some bogus excuse why i have to pay the extra $10. i freaked out and then she said she go back to my insurance company to find out for sure whats going on. she says she'll call me back tomorrrow.

anyway, im seriously on egde. wavering between crying and screaming to slamming things down to grabbing my kids a little firmer tha i need to.

and this isnt just cuz of what my husband says. he said what he did because of how i'm acting. in his defense, hes usually pretty good about tolerating my mood swings and trying to keep me from escalating. but sometimes i get the better of us both - thus his reaction yesterday.

anyway, i have to go back out in an hour & a half to take my oldest son to work so i think i'll go lock myself in my bedroom and try to chill out and rest. if i can.

thanks again for the responses.

[praxis]

This thread has brought back some not-so-happy memories from when I had a kindergartener, a toddler just learning to run and climb and an infant. These were some of the worst years of my marriage. My husband really withdrew during those years and left everything to me. I made the mistake of letting him get by with it for reasons I won't go into here.

You were right to get in your car and disappear. If you are not there, he can't abdicate his responsibility as a parent. Chilling out in your bedroom for a while is a good idea, too. Families can be so demanding.

I was getting more easily irritated a month or so back. Cranky, bitchy and getting angry at things I would normally let slide. I found it was because my wellbutrin was too high. A lower dose along with lexapro is helping with that (but makes me sleepy). Anyway, I think I know where you are coming from. Even though my bitchiness was largly chemical, I did have a right to be pissed off. Hubby still doesn't see his contribution to the problem. Everyone else gets to express their anger, whatever the reason for it. It's only a "problem" when Mom is vocal. I did adjust the meds because I wanted to feel better, but I still maintain I have as much right to be a bitch as he does. He does the swearing at me in the shower thing, too. Thinks I can't hear him. asshat.

Well, enough ranting about my situation. Do what you need to do to make yourself feel better. You are not responsible for anyone else's feelings. Yes, you do have to be responsible for your children, but perhaps not as much as you think. As long as they are safe and getting their basic needs met, you should be able to take as much time as you need for yourself. That includes sleep, time away from home, meds, therapy, whatever. Don't let him bully or guilt you out of meeting your needs.

[betcsu]

hey and thanks again for the responses. heres an update. last evening i took another klonopin, smoke a boat load of pot and drank one giant glass of wine. shortly thereafter, i passed out. had no problems with the kids or having to get them to bed or anything. its amazing what being unconscience will do for you. i slept well, too and woke up this morning amazingly hangover-free.

im still waiting to hear from the pharmacist about the wellbutrin rx. im discouraged and depressed today though and im feeling like if i cant get it filled, im just gonna quit taking the lith as well. what the fuck, right? there arent helping anyway. so maybe i really aint bp at all - just a fucking bitch for which there aint no cure. really. think about it. if i really were bp, wouldnt i be feeling better by now.

well, im not feeling better and im almost out of my secret stash of klonopin. only 2 left and then im really truly fucked.

anyway, as i said, im depressed today. i am gonna go lock myself in my room and hybernate there till i have to drive my oldest to work. im just so sad...

[Rabbit37]

I'm so sorry you're going through a rough time. I have kids, I know hard it can be, and yeah, being a screaming raging MI mom is about the worst. I agree with praxis, getting in the car (safely) and driving to a friend's is a good suggestion. Think I'll do that next time as well. I know, for me, there'll be a next time.

I hope that your meds kick in, and you can get some relief from the depression. Sending good thoughts your way.

[Shadowiz]

I'm just glad you were able to reach out. I've been lurking for a few days (maybe even a week -- who knows anymore) and it felt like this was a place I could get help. But, even though I'm having clear suicidal ideations, violent dreams, etc. until now, I couldn't even imagine having enough energy or willingness to write in.

I hope its getting better for you. And for what its worth -- your willingness and resolve to share your story has at least helped me with just making this one post.

Shadowiz

[scatty]

You sound so desperate. Have you considered calling pdoc and telling him about how horrible it has gotten for you? Maybe he could prescribe something that doesn't need pre approval. I've done the screaming fits & feeling like I'm losing control. Whenever I quit my meds it becomes even worse (which is not a pretty picture.) Almost lost my family a few times due to going off meds. I hope you can talk to pdoc honestly, even having hubby call might help. I could have written your post this past summer. I feel for you.

I should also add that finding the right meds can take awhile. And yeah, hubby has cursed in the shower only he prefers the C word.

[betcsu]

well, i didnt get as much rest as id have liked today but i did get to lay down and watch tv for a while. i called the pharmacy to see if they got the wellbutrin frx filled or not. the answer was no. the pdoc isnt in today.

so i guess that also rules out me calling in for any suggestions. the pharmacy said theyll try again tomorrow. i have one more pill left to take tomorrow AM so i hope the pharmacy gets it worked out by then.

im just so tired today. and i guess im not so much desperate as i am just sick and tired of the crap. i wouldnt mind the depression so much if i didnt have the swing in the opposite direction to contend with. i just dont like this swing i'm riding on and i want to get off now. thank you very much.

[lilie]

I'm so sorry you're riding the wave. Can you put on your walkman, send the kids to Grandma's (or whoever) and then veg out?

Lilie