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this is how it is...needing to get this out...


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When its hot I get more aware of my body.

And that is uncomfortable.

Always on edge, but more so.

Low energy, but lots of screaming inside.

can't take the pain.anymore.

who's speaking?

needing free expression.

scared.

conflict surrounds.

I've done nothing wrong.nothingnothingnothing.

maybe I am nothing?

no. no. no.

my hands are numb. trying to keep with the feeling, the flow.

birth hurts.

my birth hurt.

itwasrealitwasreal.I'm real. am I?

feel constantly likeanotherspecies.

I'm not human.

amI?

hurting

hurtstoomuchtofeelpain

daddydon't.

nodaddy,

stophurtingmummy.

mummy lost to me behind her book and knitting.

escaped.

pleaseplaywithmemummy.

please be with me.

longing.

where do I belong?

scared.

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You belong right here in the world with us, dear. Birth hurt, but you came through it and lived. You are right when you say that you have done nothing wrong. There was conflict all around you, but ut was not your fault. Dad was angry and Mum was distant because they had their own problems. You were thrust into the middle of it, a tiny innocent babe. There was nothing yo could do but listen and watch, and it was very scary.

You are now a grown woman in controll of your own life. If your parents were fighting now, you would be able to tell them haw it makes you feel. Or get up and walk away. Try to imagine how it would be if grown up Katie was there to protect little Katherine. Can you change the outcome?

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Relax. Let things hapen one at a time.

There is much hurt, no doubt about that, but try to let it flow through you rather than getting dammed up partway through.

I hope that makes some sense. Otherwise, just hold on, you will feel better.

Fiona

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thank you Fiona.

yes, it makes sense.

I'm kind of overloaded at the moment (what with my mum's illness, on top of what's there already) I feel I'm having to try and let a little through at a time, like clearing a road block....

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  • 3 months later...

Fiona is right. Trying to fight will cause more damage. My mume always tells me to live through whatever I'm feeling when my moods are up, rather than trying to stop it or deny it.

I know that this is an easy thing to say as I often ask myself "maybe I am nothing" but you are worth so much more than you think, and you deserve to be acknowledged and treated well not just by others but by yourself. It must have been horrible for you to have had such distant parents. I won't pretend to understand what it felt like because I don't know, but I'm here for you.

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