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What the hell is wrong with me?!


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I was vaguely diagnosed with Bipolar II, then they wondered if I had Epilepsy and today my Pdoc's assistant told me that my mania is not consitent enough to be Bipolar Disorder and that she has no idea what's wrong with me. It felt like she wasn't taking me seriously and I even asked her if she thought that there was actually nothing wrong with me. She said she didn't know.

I was also supposed to have had an EEG by now but I was never given an appointment. They won't prescribe anything stronger than Prozac (which is pretty useless) until I've had the EEG, so I have to keep waiting whilst feeling terrible.

In a way I wish it was Bipolar II because at least everything would be more straightforward with regards to treatment.

I'm now feeling even more paranoid than normal. Maybe I'm not ill enough to be here on Crazyboards. Maybe you all think I'm just a silly whiney little girl who's playing up her symptoms for attention. I wouldn't blame you if you did - I'm such a completely annoying prat.

Whatever is or isn't wrong with me though I DO NOT want to continue feeling like this. I've always been prone to mood swings but it has become steadily worse in recent years to the point where I'm considering giving up University or at the very least taking a year out, because I cannot cope with my moods and feel incapable of working.

I told her I don't really know what it's like to feel normal and she basically said it was normal for me so I shouldn't worry about it. But surely, if it's affecting my life - and it has been, on and off, for a long time now then I should not just put up with it. If I do I don't see how I can ever achieve anything or feel good about myself ever again.

However "mild" my mania may be it still makes me feel very out of control. Just because I am not solidly manic for days does not mean that it isn't a problem. I loathe myself sometimes when I think of how I behaved when I was high.

Mixed episodes are a big problem too and they can last solidly for days on end. Depression can last for weeks.

I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like a complete failure because I can't handle my emotions and the slightest criticism makes me feel like I should give up because I'll never be good enough. I feel like everybody hates me right now, that I don't belong anywhere and that I'll never be able to relax. I can't stop the incessant chattering in my head as my thoughts whirl round.

I feel as if I'm having a mixed episode now (and for the last few days) I never feel calm or content.

I hate my life but even more I hate myself.

Row(ena)

I'm also feeling irrationally agressive with is very unlike me and quite scary

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Hi Row/Rowena, I hear your bewilderment and fear and anxiety. And the confusion. I'm guessing you're feeling pretty lost right now?

There's all kinds of diagnoses out there, including Atypical Depression, Depressive Disorder NOS, et al...

Even my diagnosis, Recurrent Depression, carries with it a risk of hypomania. (and yeah, I get paranoid too, though that's also more part of my PTSD)

Sending you good thoughts..

And I for one like you here, you do belong.....

love,

Katie

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hey. I'm officially double depression (major depressive disorder with dysthymia, basically I always feel like shit but sometimes it upgrades itself to just crap. heh.) but I have this thing with mood swings. I've never really been manic like I've heard it described in that I haven't so much done anything as just felt really, really high. I've been on mood stabilizers for about as long as I've been on antidepressants to help, which says something to me because I don't think my pdoc would put me on a mood stabilizer without thinking I had mood swings.

however, the DSM-IV says that the hypo/manic period has to be for four straight days, and that hasn't ever happened, so my therapist said "mood disorder NOS" to calm me down, but. eh. I agree that it would be nice to have a diagnosis, for me just to have proof that I'm not making it up. but, I have no answer for you, just a "me too" thing and my best wishes.

good luck. be sure to take care of yourself. as long as you can still get adequate treatment, it doesn't really matter having a diagnosis, although it maybe seems like it. and if you can't get good treatment, find a pdoc who will treat the symptoms, with or without a diagnosis.

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Thanks both of you. You've helped me feel a little better about myself.

Vunja - My original diagnosis was Cyclothymia, so maybe that's what it is, except that recently it's seemed worse than that. I'm pretty sure I have been hypomanic for four days consecutively - not at exactly the same height of mania at a constant level but certainly a chronic 'high' feeling just as I have had chronic mixed and depressed states and have sometimes felt suicidal.

I'm not trying to be Bipolar II, it's just that when it was suggested the diagnostic criteria fit me fairly well.

Nestling - as I have probably said somewhere before (so I apologise for repeating myself!) I most likely suffer from PTSD too, due to many things, the worst being having had cancer at 15.

As for atypical depression, well most of my problems have been atypical in some way: I had a rare variant of a Ewings tumour, I'm currently a normal weight anorexic, which sounds like a contradiction (although I'm desperately trying to lose weight and enjoy starving etc.) and my moods swings are can be so rapid that sometimes I can go from manic to depressed and back again several times a day. That's the worst thing - when I'm like that I'm not really sure how I feel about anything.

I have decided to stop taking Prozac. Obviously I may go completely round the twist again but at least I'll feel like me again. The Prozac has taken the edge of both the mania and depression and generally helped me to calm down a little bit but it's not enough for me to feel in control of myself. I've been on it for a good 6 months now. Plus it gives me this slightly deadened feeling - me, but reduced. I'd rather feel like me and run the risk of going crazy again than be drugged up. I suppose at this moment I feel as near to normal as is possible.

Good news is that I went back to hospital and enquired into when I could get an EEG as I'm (or rather my parents are) spending a lot on train tickets and I felt I'd had a wasted journey. They took pity on me and did it there and then. The only irritating part was the gunk in my hair afterwards from the electrodes.

Again thankyou both and everybody else who has been helpful and understanding. I'm glad I'm accepted here. Vunja and Nestling I sympathise with you both and hope things will improve for you.

Thanks for letting me ramble - you are all really kind.

Row (Boz etc.)

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Heya BozPot,

Well, I'm glad you're getting the EEG -- if someone thinks you have a seizure disorder, that's important!!

I wonder though.

I let my *own* BP with mixed eps go undiagnosed for years. Six months when it was *bloody obvious.* If you're having mixed eps, please write about them and bring that in when you see your psych. When I was straight with my psych it made a big difference.

Mixeds are weird and hard to assess when you haven't actually *experienced* them.

If you have seizures, you need specific treatment.

If you have mixeds, you need specific treatment.

Or both.

Good luck hon.

--ncc--

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Thanks ncc, I would be very surprised if what I've experienced wasn't a Mixed episode. Certainly nobody has tried to tell me that I was overreacting - it was just the mania side of things that the doctor had doubts about.

I think Mixed states must be the worst - at least when you're very depressed you feel vaguely calm on account of being so flat. With this you're sad but it's impossible to relax or think coherently. Paranoia is at an all time high and there are these contant rushes of adrenyline. I literally cannot stop shaking and juddering sometimes, and I ache due to being so tense all the time. It's quite frightening really. When I'm like that, the mania and depression are simultaneously so strong that I have no idea what I'm thinking or feeling anymore. I start to wonder what's real and what isn't, and I have difficulty sleeping.

I feel constantly tormented by nothing in particular, or perhaps constantly tormented by myself - there's no rest.

Boz

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