Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org

Recommended Posts

Hiya-

I have these gay friends, both male. They're married (gay marriage is illegal in my state, but they consider themselves married).

Anyway, one will not let his partner be friends with me or hang out with me without him being there. It is really annoying. The jealous partner even sent me this text message saying that hanging with his partner without him present will not be necessary.

Now, this is their relationship, and the one has to stick up for himself.

But how can I handle this on my end? I hate being told I can't be friends with someone because his husband is jealous. And jealous of a female?? That's just too odd! THEY'RE GAY!!! LOL

Link to comment
Share on other sites

But how can I handle this on my end? I hate being told I can't be friends with someone because his husband is jealous. And jealous of a female?? That's just too odd! THEY'RE GAY!!! LOL

robot1.jpg

Danger, Will Robinson.

It's not at all odd; the fact that they're gay is actually a secondary consideration to the fact that they're in a relationship. If you think about it, what makes one person feel insecure in his or her relationship? It's usually about fear that the Significant Other will withdraw affection and/or transfer that affection to another person. Perhaps he's afraid his SO will find you more interesting than him. Perhaps he has deep-seated fear that he is somehow inadequate or undesirable as a companion (sex aside), or not fun enough, or witty enough, or smart enough, or blahblahblahenough, and feels threatened because he perceives some quality in you that he believes he lacks in himself that would attract the SO.

Moreover, if you read around the GLBT board long enough, you'll realize that it's pretty widely conceded that sexuality is something like a spectrum rather than an either/or proposition. Most people actually have same-sex attraction to some degree, even if that degree is small, or they never thought about it, or they felt it and shrugged it off. Anyway, it's possible that the SO has some bisexual history you may not be aware of, and the fear is that he might be tempted to swing the other way.

Regardless, I would tread warily. Inserting yourself in someone's marital relationship (legally licensed or otherwise) is just not on. This is for them to work out. Now, if the SO wants to be friends with you, it's going to be up to him to stand up for his rights and demand that his partner treat him like an adult. Should the SO try to talk to you, you should simply let him know that his partner has requested that you not do so in his absence. From that point on, it's between them to work out. You could end up losing them both as friends if you press.

All this having been said, that kind of possessiveness is not healthy, and bodes ill, IMHO.

Cerberus

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hiya-

I have these gay friends, both male. They're married (gay marriage is illegal in my state, but they consider themselves married).

Anyway, one will not let his partner be friends with me or hang out with me without him being there. It is really annoying. The jealous partner even sent me this text message saying that hanging with his partner without him present will not be necessary.

Now, this is their relationship, and the one has to stick up for himself.

But how can I handle this on my end? I hate being told I can't be friends with someone because his husband is jealous. And jealous of a female?? That's just too odd! THEY'RE GAY!!! LOL

Birds of a feather . . .

Link to comment
Share on other sites

What happens between your two friends is their business. It is not for you to interfere on one side or the other.

If the one partner wants to be friends with you, and his partner doesn't approve it is still between those two. As Cerberus said, there is something going on that has nothing to do with you except you've been drawn in sideways as representative of who-knows-what. If the one partner contacts you, it's fair to say that his partner has asked you not to talk to him alone -- but I don't necessarily think you should refuse to see him either. I do think you should encourage him to work it out with his partner and to hold off on seeing much of you until that's settled. You don't want to be in the middle of their 'stuff' -- you're as likely to get hurt as anyone else.

The real question, though, is: why do you want to be friends with guy so much that you'll deliberately do things to upset his partner? If he is feeling insecure, as Cerberus suggests, you trying hard to spend more time with the one guy will only make the situation worse.l

So, again, you might want to check out your own motives and rewards here.

Fiona

Link to comment
Share on other sites

There are some good responses here, but one other not-pretty scenario to consider is abuse.

The classic profile of an abuser is someone who forces their victim to cut off all contact with the victim's friends and family. I'm not saying that's what's happening here, but anytime one side of a relationship seems too controlling over who the other side can be friends with, it's something to think about.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree with Catnapper. The person who is out of line is the one who won't let his partner hang with his friend(s). Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do about it. It has to be worked out (or not) between the two spouses.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

hmm, I'm going to agree that it's a problem for your friends to deal with. Honestly, I'm not sure if you're wanting to be friends with this other guy, or just annoyed that you're being told what not to do. Honestly, I'd just make nice for now, and wait and see if other gayboy wants to be friends with you outside the context of trio.

I'm not really going to theorize about why your friend doesn't want you talking to his boy, but I'm hoping it's not something bad.

Sorry I don't have something more useful to say ;)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

"Danger, Will Robinson."

I had the same thought...but not enough brain cells firing to articulate WHY I was seeing this little robot in my head. Good advice Cerberus.

Actually you all made some great points.

(I'm glad someone's brain is working today....sure isn't mine.)

I also had a quick flash of a scene from Monty Python's Holy Grail....

"Run away! Run away!"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

all of you have made good points. i haven't called or texted my friend all week, since that nasty one from his SO.

i'm afraid that the one partner, as catnapper said, is being controlled and abused by his SO. but that isn't my business. gay or straight or kind of lop-sided, it is their deal and nothing to do with me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

Still no word from either partner. Perhaps one is banned from communicating with me. Well, that would be funny and sad at the same time. I mean, I'm not out to steal anyone's spouse or draw their attention away, nor am I interested in gay men! I have ENOUGH problems with the guys I've got going on right now! You all know that!

but hey, birds of a feather... ;)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...