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broke down

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I woke up incredibly restless at 3 am this morning. Took double dose of Ativan and still couldnt calm down...the fucking paper I have to write, oh, I tried so hard!!!

By aternoon I broke down in frantc crying that would not stop...been feeling like hurting myself etc. I have an appointment tody 3 30 with the social worker (child protection) so in desperation I called my pdoc at his office (still crying) and asked what could I do to calm down, the social workers were coming...

Twenty questions later he was talking hospital (what??? Saturday is my son's birthday! and Monday is my final exam!!!).

Now, he has called the social workers and will be here as well when they show up at 3 30. I am terrified. hospital and foster care again? just now? why...

I'd rather be dead/ At least then this crap would have an actual end.

He had me take Zyprexa so I'm no longer crying now, just zonked.

My kids will be here in 15m (last time I see them for how long, maybe...) and the social worker and doctor rigth after. Wish me luck. Please pray for me.

oh god I'm so, so so scared...

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I know how hard you've worked. You did the right thing calling your p-doc. This isn't punishment. This is to help you and keep the kids safe. It'll all work out. Maybe a few things need to change for awhile, but let us know.

We care and we're here.


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