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I'm paralyzed. I'm trapped. I'm sinking. God damnit, why do I let this happen? Well, could I even prevent it? I'm alone all damn day and I don't see what I can do about that. I'm unemployed. Bad for my brain. Real bad.

It starts with a little bit of procrastination (almost always in the form of surfing the internet). Then I must subconciously think, "Well, you've fucked it all up now. Might as well give up" Or something. I really don't know. Then the procrastination latches on to me like a death grip. I become more and more miserable but I am unable to stop it. All I can do is watch. My fiance actually has to turn off the internet because I can't control myself. Pathetic. My hands start to feel grubby and sticky (no, I'm not a guy and I'm not jerking off to porn, lol.) I'm disgusting. I have no self-control.

It's so senseless. It doesn't make any sense. It's my own fault. I am making myself miserable through inaction. I'm so fucking tired of it. I don't understand why it's so hard to just do the things I should be doing. Why is it such a struggle?

My pdoc thinks I have problems with perfectionism, OCPD, what have you. How did he have me so pegged on the first visit? I was astounded.

Like, I'll just sit here and starve because I can't decide what I want to do for dinner. It really IS that hard for me to decide. Like today, for instance, I have this rigid rule in my mind that I HAVE to pick a food off this particular website and base my meals around it. It's so dumb. Arbitrary self-imposed rules: the bane of my existence.

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I have to agree with Libby; I wonder if your depression has rebounded.

My pdoc thinks I have problems with perfectionism, OCPD, what have you. How did he have me so pegged on the first visit? I was astounded.

You may have problems with perfectionism, and it sounds like you do--I feel for you, being a fellow perfectionist--but there's no way a pdoc can "peg you" on the first visit. Pdocs, or tdocs, should not be handing out personality disorder diagnoses on the first, second, or maybe even tenth, visit. That's something that requires time, therapy, and observation to discern. My first pdoc did that. That isn't why I switched pdocs (he was crazy, and his proclivity for jumping to diagnostic conclusions was just one part of his overall incompetence), but it was reason enough on its own.

Procrastination and indecisiveness aren't confined to OCPD. Neither is compulsiveness.

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He didn't tell me I had a personality disorder on the first visit; just that he believed that I was of a subgroup of depressed patients with a tendency towards perfectionism and obsessive compulsive personality traits. I think he got that from my GP because I authorized him to transfer his treatment records to my pdoc. I think my GP was concerned because I would come in with piles of research and questions and was clearly obssesed with and concerned about the state of my health (as I should have been, I was fucking nuts) but at the same time extremely afraid of treatment.

Oh I feel a lot better today btw. Just writing that out yesterday made me feel somewhat better immediately. There is scientific support for the idea that writing out your concerns helps you stop ruminating about them (and they reccommend that you take the opposite approach with positive feelings--just think about them, not write them down, because then they'll retain that magical quality.)

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hey hollywood freak

right now you need to ask your fiance to help you

you need his help more than anything right now

ask him to support you, to drag you out of bed in the morning, help you look through the classifieds, find a job, work out with you, go for walks, get out of the apartment/house.

i read a lot about adult identities.... and an adult finds it hard to be happy without employment.... you need to identify with something, meet people, etc. its hard to start

but that is where the fiance comes in... he can't make you, but he sure can help... but he also cannot read your mind, ask him....!

i hope all turns out well

i really do

love -

nightowl

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Sorry, HF, I misunderstood what you were saying. I didn't mean to be so brusque, either. I'm not too keen on psychiatrists at the moment. ;) My first pdoc dxed me as OCPD during the first visit, and we hadn't even finished the evaluation. It was his specialty, he'd written a paper on it and given speeches, so his enthusiam for dxing me with his pet PD was highly suspect. Now it's in my chart and probably screwing with my treatment plan (more like lack of a treatment plan) and so I have a tendency to go on mini-rampages when I read posts like yours. I'm sure I do have OCPD traits, I know I do, but talk of PDs so early on will always set off alarm bells in my head because of my first pdoc experience.

I think my GP was concerned because I would come in with piles of research and questions and was clearly obssesed with and concerned about the state of my health (as I should have been, I was fucking nuts) but at the same time extremely afraid of treatment.

I always take lists with me, too, but it's because I have a really shitty memory and blank-out when I'm nervous. The question that comes to mind is: Why do you take these things with you to appointments? Educated patients with a vested interest in their health should be armed with a list of questions. It says "I take my health seriously and want to know I'm getting the best care possible."

It probably is true that people with anxiety disorders are more aware of their physical quirks and suffer more distress than the general population when ill, and obsess over these things. That doesn't mean you aren't sick (physically). Anxious people get sick and deserve the same degree of respect and care as the rest of the population. Just saying.

Glad you're feeling better :)

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